Journal

I just want to say hello again to all my DS friends and give a quick update on what is going n in my life as well as share with you all a precious, happy and sad dream I had Early in January.  Things are going well for me and I still face the daily struggles of being a single mom of 4 plus my step-son but I am feeling much more "Normal" than I have since the accident.

I remember the days of looking at the world and watching it all go by so fast and not feeling like I belonged.  Like I was waiting for life to end and feeling like no one noticed me there just waiting and watching.  I was disconnected from my surroundings and my emotions much of the time and on anti-depressants and xanax for the anxiety of everyday life.  I literally got up each day and went through the motions and "acted" as normal as I could be.  But people still knew I was a mess.  In retrospect I went back to work entirely too soon not knowing what else to do but go on one day at a time, one moment at a time and sometimes simply oe step at a time.  But now it is so different from those days and I have begun to really live again.  Oh I will never be the same but in some ways I have benefitted from the pain and suffering and sorrow I have had to deal with.  I can see with clarity now what is important and let the unimportant stuff go.  I pick and chhose my battles wisely and I can see that in no way will money, property, or physical things make me happy.  I know who I am now and I am a strong woman who will go on with her life, have true love gain, and will live again.  Not the same peron I was 21 months ago.  A new me.  And I am ready to make a new life for me and the kids and to move forward with living again.

In the area of changes and doing new things I am taking a trip to Africa in April to meet my new love, Karim, whom I met online last year.  We have been talking on the phone daily and conversing via webcam and text messaging and it is a blessing that I can go there with my tax returns.  My mom is going to care for the kids that week for me so I will not have to worry about anything where the kids are concerned.  She has been a big help to me and supportive of my decision to go.  And although we are not as close as I wouldlike to be she is still my mom and I know she wants the best for me and she did all she could to raise us kids to the best of her ability.  Right now this trip is a dream come true for me, to travel to another country and the break from the kids is a long and overdue one.  I love them all but they fight and argue like cats and dogs and it just simply makes me CRAZY!!! 

I had a dream in early January in which Greg released me to go on with my life, told me he loved me and the kids and he said goodbye to me.  I want to share my blog from my myspace page about it in hopes that it will be positive and insiring to some of you........

LAST NIGHT I HAD A DREAM.......
Current mood:  peaceful
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

Well, once again, those "precious memories" I have came flooding in like a storm and I had a minor emotional breakdown.  Although I see this happening much less in my life now they do still happen....and just when I pat myself on the back for doing so well and being so strong.  But they happen none the less and I am left feeling mentally and emotionally drained.  And wondering if this will ever end.

I am so glad for my kids and my friends and the new love in my life, Karim, for not running from me in these difficilt times and just letting me cry it out, talk it out or scream it out as I feel the need to work through it all.  And for my step-son for asking "are you ok mom?" and just walking away when I reply, "Do I look ok to you?" Hahahahaha!!!  I can laugh at it now but I'm sure at that moment that young man was thinking, "Why did I come here again?"  

There will always be times inour lives that we go through valleys of sorrow and pain and loss and times we will ride high on the wonder and beauty of our lives  and our mere creation.  We do not know the future and can not escape the past.  We learn to get through life one day at a time taking the good with the bad and knowing tomorrow will be another day filled with the challenges, joys, and sorrows that surround us.

Take each day as it comes.  Live the sorrow when necessary and hold on to the joy that comes however fleeting it may seem at that moment.  These moments of our life will never come again.

Have a beautiful day and take care, 

Jenifer

I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT OUR MEMORIES AND HOW PRECIOUS THEY ARE TO ME....I HAVE FOUND MYSLEF REFLECTING ON GRE AND I AND OUR LIFE TOGETHER AND I FIND IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS THAT BRING ME JOY AND I LOVE TO SHARE THEM.  BUT NOW I SHARE THEM WITH A SMILE AND NOT THROUGH MY TEARS.  LIKE THE TIME WE WER DATING AND WE WENT TO THE GROCERY STORE AND AS WE PASSED THE PRODUCE DEPARTMENT HE PICKED UP 3 ORANGES RIGHT THERE AND STARTED TO JUGGLE THEM.  I REMEMBER BEING EMBARASSED AND SCOLDING HIM WITH THIS SMILE ON MY FACE, AND OTHER PEOPLE WHO MUST HAVE SEEN WE WERE JUST DATING LAUGHING AT US.  OR THE TIMES WE WOULD BE WATCHING MOVIES AND WHEN ONE WOULD END HE'D SAY....LETS GOT TO REBEL (THE GAS STAION) AND GET SOMETHING TO DRINK.  AND WE WOULD COME HOME WITH 2 OR 3 LITTLE PACKAGES OF ZINGERS AND A QUART OF MILK TO SHARE.  AND WE WOULD EAT THEM ALL AND THEN COMPLAIN HOW SICK WE FELT.  I HAD A MOMENT AT WORK YESTERDAY.  A CUSTOMER BOUGHT CHOCOLATE ZINGERS AND MILK AND I REMEMBERED HOW MUCH HE LOVED THOSE THINGS AND SO I HAD TO BUY SOME.  AND I ATE THE WHOLE PACKAGE BY MYSELF AND DRANK MY MILK WITH A SMILE......

SO TELL ME DOES THIS MEAN I AM HEALING? I THINK SO AND I AM GLAD FOR THAT.  I AM GLAD THAT I CAN LAUGH AND SMILE AGAIN AND LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST.  I PRAY THAT EACH OF YOU FIND MOMENTS IN YOUR MEMORY THAT BRING YOU JOY AND THAT YOU CAN REFLECT ON THOSE FOND MEMORIES WITH A SMILE.....THEY WILL BE WITH YOU ALL FOREVER.

LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE........JEN