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daddyslittlegirl90 
12:11pm, November 11, 2009
ive done something hat i was trying to avoid doing. i was doing so well and now ive messed it up coz i did do it.. the people i could loose for this wasnt worth it but i couldnt help it and now i have to keep everything secret and try not to let it happen again but it did and im such a bitch. its not even like i can avoid the situation. i just gotta lie and pretend it didt happen then hope it doesnt happen again... why do i get things so wrong all the time?? well it isnt supposed to be wrong its supposed to be great but circumstancezs make it wrong and ahhh im a horrible, weak person grrrrrrrrrr
Comments
i really dont understaand how a grown woman can behave so pathetically.... i found a pregnancy test in my mothers bag yesterday. quizzed her on it and turns out its negative (i checked) but she must have thought she was, still drinking n taking shit.... not only that but she has been warned if she has another SHE WILL DIE!!!!!! shes not exactly leading a healthy lifestyle. shouldda seen the state she was in last night. taking all sorts. she was a righ mess. uncontrollable laughter, falling all over the place and she was flipping from back n forwards. she fell on way home came in laughing about it and then all of a sudden turned on me saying that i must have pushed her... she really was in a state. worst state shes came back in yet shes getting so much worse. i cat believe she came home expecting to be in any fit state to be around the kids. she truly is unbelievable.. why cant she see what lovely little kids shes got instead of doing this to them
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Hon,
She is really sick and doesn't even think at this point. I surround you with Angels to help guide you and to be strong for your brothers and sisters....Hugs With Love, Lee Ann
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i think your mother is an alcoholic. you may want to send her to aa and maybe she will meet a bunch of people there who DON'T drink anymore and know how to stay away from alcohol.
people who party too much shouldn't be around children at all. unreal that she is still hoping to be pregnant again. isn't she over 40?
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shes 43 and she doesnt want to be pregnant but was dissapointed with the negative rezult??? do i speak alien or summit. she makes no sense to me at all...
no shes not an alcoholic hun. she doesnt need the drink she wants it.. i know alcoholism very well. as you know daves in rehab n doing well. my dad was an alcoholic a real bad one, shes not an alcoholic, she doesnt need to drink she just wants to be young again and i can kind of understand that and accept it.. i cant accept how bloody selfish she is being. we love her so much and get nothing back but critism n this appauling behaviour.. if she wants to get in states n kill herself she can go do it away from me n the kids coz im not loosing another parent and im not having them go through it n im certainly not letting her near them on all this shit... she really is doing my nutt in, she finds it funny.. she thinks ohhh yeh lets go out n make a pratt of myself.. ooohhh wasnt that fun ill go do it again opblivious to the fact she has any fuckin kids. ARGHHHH!!! if the drugs dont kill her then im bloody well going too
i have enough on my plate already. freiends just had her baby n going through rough patch with bf, i wanna be there for her. another friend just lost their dad. im trying to be there for him, all the kids to look after aswell as pets.. feeling so ugly n depressed n worthless ect ect ect bloody ect... had my hair done today done make up differently,, still feel shit. feel like my lifes passing by now all my teen days are spent playing mum and i dont mind i just need a rake sometimes. ssooo much running through my head and to top it off my dads 2nd death anniversary is coming up at the end of this month... everywhere i look there is fuckin babies n i keep thinking fertility stuff n making me think, shit i done this look what a pathetic mess this is.. my heads like a flippin black hole suckin in every bad thought n spinning it round till theres a knot in my stomach.. AI DONT NEED THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
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sounds like you are taking on things that generally you don't have to take on until your thirties. the first ten years after highschool are supposed to be ME years, where you travel, go out, have fun, play sports/dance whatever, attend any kind of school, work at jobs and gain work experience and "staying power" they call it (where you learn to stay at a job even if you don't like the people or boss much etc and just find a way to keep it anyway. i wear ear plugs a lot, tune it all out, or a headset with music. lol.) but they are important years. if you take on the have a baby thing and all that, you miss all of those years of development and enjoyment and i don't think its healthy to take on so much at such an early age. at some point you'll need to solo it out several times and just be you. it always sounds like its your mum partying and you being her at home. what does your sister do? is she at home too or is she on her own?
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i know half of its not my part but i love them n dont want them to have to do it alone.. i am always known as the bitchy one.. because i say things as they are n people just need to understand i am very opinionated n if i think summit is wrong ill say something.. the truth can hurt and i find my true friends stick around after i say something most would consider ''out of line'' when really its not its just not wanna hear the other friends couldnt be true friends because i was stepping on eggshells with them. same with my mum she doesnt like that i make her face some home truths terfore she hates me for it lol... she prefers us to be very submission n under her control.. i am under her control i wont deny it but im different im only under it to a point. she knows where to watch her mouth and tries not to cross the line with me the others she is so brutal with n its always me standing up for them telling her shes outta place which makes her hate me more... ive got to the point i dont give a damn if she loves me or not.. i have a umber of songs and quotes that relate to our relationship n i just remind myself of them... its not always good for me to accept she doest like me to much but it sure saves alot of hurt.. as i said truth hurts and boy does she know it.
anyways was trying to get to my point and ended up babbling lol... i can come across as very selfish n aragont to some people but thats just because i dont want anyone thinking im nice coz if they think im nice theyll think im weak n ill be a bloody target like my mum usd to think i was.. i keep the hard exterior as a barrier from the real world... might not be healthy but its why im still here.. in reality im not the total bitch i can make out and i do care about a few people n i would give my life for them thats why im still here n still putting up with my mum tbh.. total softie shhhhhh well better word would be MUG really wouldnt it..
i dont mind giving my life up for this ....well i do but not too much. thing that bugs me more is knowing it might not ever be for real.. you know? i might not get a chance to do this for myself one day and theres a damn good chance i wont get too do alot i had planed because i woke up one morning and had 6kids lol...
ahhh well....oh such is life....
my sister lives at home too. shes 22 but tbh she doesnt act it.. she squabbles with the kids like shes one of them. she has alot of my mum in her n screams at them for the slightest things n i end up sorting that out too.. she often feels like a 7th kid to look after and by god when did i become old enough to have a rebellious teen coz my mother is appauling lol... fair play to my sister she does help though.. she helps with house work and she picks the kids up from school. she does help me out but where as she will be able to take a day or whatever she wants away from them at a drop of a hat i dont feel i could leave her on her own with them coz neither her nor my mum can control them too well
theyre not bad kids, they just need love. theyre really good when theyre reasoned with and not yelled at
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oooh bugger sorry its so long/.. me ranting agen lol
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mug here basically means an idiot who lets people walk all over them
you made me who i am
but there's no thanks to be found
i don't like who i am
coz you kicked me to the ground
you're too quick to critisize
to judge and to hurt
you get so much pleasure
to push people in the dirt
you dont care about anyone
and you're kids...well we're just there
never stop to show affection
or to tell us that you care
the things you say are hurtful
the things you do are worse
do you not even realise
your lifestyle will land you in a hurse
you're so damn selfish
you're so damn cruel
but we dare not tell you
coz our tears are your fuel
do you get fun from hurting us
from causing us all pain
coz mother sometimes i wander
if you are even sane
you fucked up my life
you're who made me, me
so don't sit and hate me
i'm your creation dont you see
many years of moulding me
and filling me with hate
so don't try to change me now
coz it's too fuckin' late
Comments
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Thanks for sharing with us your deepest sorrows....May you see soon see some sunshine in your life....Thinking of you....Huggies with Love Lee Ann
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most of this poem hit me like a thunderbolt it sounded just like me when i was younger with my stepmum,she didn't like me either,i loved her so much ,but all she ever did,was to hit out, laugh at my efforts, call me thick and useless,and tell me no one would ever like or want me,i tried to kill myself a few times because i believed her,but after i got married and left home she started to change,she was never perfect but then who is certainly not me,my thoughts are with you ,i do know what you are feeling really i do,it won't always be this way,but that is no help to you whilst it is ongoing is it,chin up my friend,you are worth a hundred of people like your mum,love and hugs,Helen.
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Thats a great poem, your Mum should read it!! It wouldnt affect her though.I understand all you are saying. Im so sorry. Give your pup a big hug and kiss.
Love and hugs. xxx
Past Entries
Goal Updated
no you are not,we all makes mistakes some are bigger and worse than others,the trick is to learn from them,whatever it is you have done,learn from it,it won't put me off you whatever it is,so you will still have me ,if that is any consolation,and remember you are not a bitch.love and hugs,Helen.
witchnell
No you are not a horrible person, we all make some bad choices from time to time, you are just human like the rest of us...Hugs with Love, LA
LeeAnn
i know. i just feel horrible because i want it and i shouldnt because i know what i could loose because of it.. i guess its too late now ive just gotta hope it doesnt get out. i so hate lying
daddyslittlegirl90