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Eliza 
Every night when I am lying in bed--i just think of my life--and i get really sad, frusterated, and restless--
I go from--worrying and fearing death--to what am I going to do about law school next year (i'm looking at 67,000+ a year)--to the fact that i have never had a boyfriend-- and that i am still a virgin--and how i would like such a connection/relationship--but then on the flip side--if i every do get a boyfriend etc.--i get married have kids, grandkids, then i die!--not too mention my weight and how i have wasted all this time being heavy (probaly the reason for the lack of relationship)--then i wonder about 12012----and what is going to happen...? I actually sometimes get really nervous and tense--almost panic attack-like--but not quite to that degree--
i just want to wish i felt normal--and not longing for so much
How did I get to this point?
i know i need help...but where do i start...? i feel like such a failure---i am a failure in all areas of my life--i graduated college recently---but did not do good enough on the LSAT to get in any law school i applied to and now i am looking for a job---which is impossible to find with a poli sci degree---unless i get a mall job--but i would like to think i am worth a little more than that with a degree---i binge--have maintained my weight---but have not been able to lose it---i'm sick right now and have missed the gym the last 4 days---so that mainting is going up---but i still manage to eat and eat---not a surprise---never been in a relationship...my parents are always mad at me---especially my mom--who is mad at me for eating---and when i eat and she wants to talk about it or make fun of me and i say leave me alone---she threatens to kick me out--and says "i will not leave you alone, if you want to be left alone then get out (as i move out)" my mom tries on some days to hide her disgust in me in regards to my eating habits--but i can see right through her and when i press her she just gets mad at me--but it makes me so sad--its a constant struggle---a constant battle----with food and with my mom about my eating habits---the glares---the sighs---i know it must be frusterating for her to see me eating my way to hell--but she doesn't make it any better---she says that have you seen your back side---as in the back of my legs---and i always remind her that i do have a mirror in my room---but then she says sometimes people don't really know wht they look like....it kills me---sometimes i wonder if my lack of confidence prtly stems from my mother---and her lines of ur to pretty to be fat...etc.---do i put off the persona that i am unlikable and therefore act unaproachable---i never get guys---is it becuase i am fat...or is it because i am put up a block and they never have a chance---or is it just me---what i percieve of myself that i put images of who i am into y head---and i am therefore unaproachable---or is a combo of everything---carrying the extra weight and portrayin myself to others what i feel on the inside and that im not worth it....is it all y own influence---or is partly y moms?---or are societal standards apart of it as well?---i such a failure---im no longer a contributing member of society---im jobless, not enriching anyones life (no boyfriend---and my parents are disgusted by me)---i eat too much---i'm just all around worthless....i just wish things were better---i'm hanging on by a thin string and the only thing that keeps me going is the fear of the unknown and a tiny fraction of hope that things will get better....
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Past Entries
| August 2008 |
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Friday, 8/15
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Friday, 8/15
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May 2008 |
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Wednesday, 5/21
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Tuesday, 5/13
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Saturday, 5/10
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Saturday, 5/10
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April 2008 |
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Wednesday, 4/16
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September 2007 |
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Sunday, 9/23
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Sunday, 9/23
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July 2007 |
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Sunday, 7/01
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May 2007 |
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Tuesday, 5/01
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Goal Updated
Things always feel awful when you take everything that is wrong with your life an add it all together. It can also seem so hopeless because so many things seem so wrong. You won't be able to fix everything all at once, but you can take small steps so that things get better eventually.
Take finding a job. That always involves a lot of rejection. You just have to send out tons and tons and tons of resumes. Sometimes places only care that you have a college degree and aren't interested in what you majored in.
As for finding a boyfriend, you can try a dating site if what you've been doing hasn't worked so far.
Obviously, dealing with your mother and with binging is a lot harder than the first two things. It's horrible that your mother attacks you when you feel the weakest. But even here you can try to take small steps to make things better. Is there a certain food that you really binge a lot on or that does the most damage to you? If there is, you can try to just avoid that food even if you don't control all of your binging. It's only a small step, but it's better than nothing
bluntandsubtle
Your mom thinks she is trying to help, but we both know she is going about it the wrong way. I'm sure you have tried to explain that to her until you are blue in the face, Right? But I'll let you in on a little secret us old ladies know that you don't! LOL!
When you DO finally get out on your own it will change everything. So do try to make that happen as soon as you are able. you need to get out from under your Parent's thumb! Yes! It is hard! Bluntandsubtle is right! Anything worth having takes oodles and gobs of effort and you will fall on your face many times before you get it right! Everybody does! Honest!
I'll leave you with one of my favorite sayings. "you have to kiss a lot of toads before you meet a Prince!" Goes for jobs as well as men! LOL!
beiceth
Hi Eliza, I saw you were feeling bad so I wanted to know what was up.
beiceth has it right.
You have to figure out a plan to get out of that house. It sounds so destructive to your self image and confidence !
Even if you started to feel better about yourself, words like your mothers will only set you back again.
If it helps, you are not the first girl to be going through this.
My worst years of life were when I was 19-23 back and forth between school and home.
Can you find a job and live with a roommate while you look for a better job?
AS for your self image, yes, it is all in your head.
go to the mall or some other public place and watch the people.
Notice that there are attractive people in all different shapes and sizes,
It's more about how they present themselves, their posture and attitude.
You have it all. you just have to believe in yourself.
SueHope