Journal

after i let myself type out how and why i lost friends, it was theraputic (usually i have to close my mind to the friends & money hurt or i'll fall far. have even had petit m seizures from trying to figure out "Why?" ( trauma).  so i finally forced myself to get everthing needed to sue for whatever i might recover.  called the lawyer to set up an appt and  to make it brief - the letters he said he'd send which ususally gets people to respond, etc., he won't do now.  it's straight to court.  ok, but i was a legal secty - he wants to get the consultation fee, court filing fees, and his set fee (which he wont disclose til the appointmernt) from me rather than write a letter, get a positive response and that would get him him about 1/6 of the whole shebamg he insists i do. 
there's more bummer stuff happening but i dont wanna think about that  i just keep wondering how long i can go on like this.  thats all, folks. 

but there's good news: Rocky's behavior toward me has improved over the past 2 days. yay! 

last nite was great.  my neighbor/friend visited and we watched tv, well we talked & laughed so much i don't know what was on tv.  she's so kind hearted, real, fun & we have so much in common.  we both have med probs so getting togther is that one day we both feel good.  we'd hang out every day if we could.  i've been used & taken by alot of friends.  i still have trauma/depression because i cannot get over the shock of friends (one for 30 yrs who was always good to me & vice versa, we were so close.  i can barely type this, so enuf about her)...the  joy of actually being able to help them too because of my windfall...i never thought i'd be here, money scary tight now & they wont speak to me.  how can people cut off long friendships because of money they received.  i mean just call & say 'i dont have it'.  that all.  i wouldnt  be mad, just say hi to me.  i lost the friendships - that has f----d me up, hurts me so so much more than the $.  and never returning my calls, all while i was clueless why, worried,  are they ok?, what happened?  i never thought i'd trust again ever.  i am so careful now about people - what a lesson i learned.

but, this neighbor was right across the street for 2 yrs & never even saw each other before met - u know who u are - in sort of comical way & became my best friend.  its funny how long can you know a person & you really dont know them (i.e , those users i hope burn in hell).  but this one is a soulmate, i love and trust her, and i know this one is the best human being, (like my beloved Mom was), i could have in my life.    <love & thanks, R, from me & "your" Rockyroo>