EhaEha's Journal

 

I ACTUALLY HAVE WRITTEN MORE THAN A COUPLE LONG JOURNAL ENTRIES. THE FIRST BY ACCIDENT, COMPUTER GREMLINS, OR GOD'S WILL DISAPPEARED WHEN I HIT THE POST BUTTON. AT THE TIME IT WAS CATHARTIC, BECAUSE IT WAS A WHOLE LOT OF BLACKNESS THAT WAS EATING AWAY AT MY INSIDES. MY LIFE HASN'T BEEN SOMETHING I HAVE REALLY WANTED TO SHARE WITH ANYONE. I REALLY JUST WANT TO CRAWL INTO MYSELF AND HAVE BEEN FOR MANY MONTHS NOW. PAIN IS THE ONE CONSTANTLY DEPENDABLE THING, OTHER THINGS, NOT SO MUCH.

I AM NOT SURE AS I WRITE THIS IF I AM GOING TO SHARE THIS WITH YOU ALL OR NOT. I FEEL GUILTY ABOUT COMING HERE AND DUMPING ON YOU. I KNOW THAT MOST OF YOU HAVE PROBLEMS THAT DWARF MINE AND YET YOU HAVE GRACE AND WILL. I HAVE A TENDENCY TO WITHDRAW AND SUCK BACK INTO MYSELF WHEN I AM IN EMOTIONAL OR PHYSICAL PAIN. I JUST CHECKED IT'S BEEN NINE AND A HALF MONTHS SINCE I HAVE WRITTEN SOMETHING AND POSTED IT HERE. I MADE A CONSCIOUS OR SUBCONSCIOUS DECISION THAT I WAS TIRED OF SHARING HOW I FELT. YOU GUYS REALIZE HOW TIRING ANSWERING THE QUESTION "HOW ARE YOU FEELING." I HATE BEING A DARK CLOUD ON EVERYONE, SO IT'S EASIER TO CRAWL A LITTLE BIT FARTHER BACK INTO MY CAVE. I STOPPED COMING HERE. I STOPPED CALLING MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS. I LIVE AMONGST MY FAMILY, BUT I AM NOT THERE.

I'LL GIVE YOU THE READER'S DIGEST CONDENSED VERSION OF WHAT HAS HAPPENED SINCE YOU HEARD FROM ME LAST. I SAW SUPERDOC ONE TIME AFTER I MADE THE SWITCH TO THE STATE RUN INSURANCE. I COULD NO LONGER AFFORD TO SEE HIM. WE CAME UP WITH A GAME PLAN. HE RECOMENDED THAT I HAVE A SECOND SURGERY TO STABILIZE MY NECK. SO I HAD TO GO BACK TO MY GP TO GET A REFERRAL TO A SURGEON THAT MY INSURANCE WOULD COVER. GETTING APPROVAL TO SEE THE SURGEON FOR AN INITIAL APPOINTMENT TOOK SEVERAL WEEKS. AFTER THANKSGIVING I FLEW TO COLORADO TO STAY WITH MY BROTHER AND SEE MY PARENTS, BECAUSE IT JUST WASN'T POSSIBLE FOR ME TO HOST THEM HERE, AND IT WAS EASIER ON THEM BECAUSE IT WAS ONE LESS FLIGHT THAT THEY WOULD HAVE TO ENDURE. MY FATHER AND I HAD ISSUES GOING INTO THE VISIT, BUT I SUCKED IT UP AND DECIDED TO BE CIVIL, BECAUSE I REALLY WANTED TO SEE MY MOM AND SHE REALLY WANTED TO SEE ME. THE VISIT WENT FAIRLY WELL AND IT WAS NICE TO GET TO SEE HER AND MY BROTHER AND HIS FAMILY. I CAME HOME IN THE BEGINNING OF DECEMBER. ABOUT THIS TIME ANN HAD A MEETING WITH HER MAIN CLIENT. THEY DECIDED UNTIL THE ECONOMY LOSENED UP THEY COULD NO LONGER AFFORD TO KEEP ANN ON. IT WASN'T UNEXPECTED, BUT IT STILL SUCKED. SO WE WERE THEN WITHOUT ANY INCOME. ANN HAD A FEW SMALL JOBS, BUT THEY WERE SPORADIC AND DIDN'T PAY MUCH. I GOT MY APPOINTMENT TO SEE THE NEW SURGEON. HE LOOKED AT THE SAME MRI THAT SUPERDOC HAD LOOKED AT A FEW MONTHS BEFORE AND PROCEEDED TO INTERPRET IT TOTALLY DIFFERENT FROM SUPERDOC. HE DIDN'T SEE BONE GROWTH WHERE SUPERDOC DID, AND DID SEE BONE GROWTH WHERE SUPERDOC DIDN'T. HE WASN'T VERY REASSURING THAT THE SURGERY WOULD DO MUCH, BUT DECIDED THAT WE WOULD GO AHEAD AND DO IT. HE DECIDED THAT RATHER THAN JUST PUTTING RODS IN TO STABILIZE THE 5/6 FUSION THAT HE WOULD DO ALL THREE. THIS WAS FINE WITH ME BECAUSE THEY PROMISED ME THAT THIS WOULD BE MORE PAINFUL THAN THE FIRST SURGERY, AND IF THAT WAS THE CASE I'D RATHER THEY DO AS MUCH AS THEY COULD THAN HAVE THEM TELL ME AT SOME LATER DATE THAT THEY WOULD HAVE TO GO IN AGAIN. THE FIRST SURGERY WAS THROUGH THE FRONT OF MY NECK AND THEY INSTALLED A PLATE AND 8 SCREWS. THIS SURGERY THEY CUT OPEN THE BACK OF MY NECK AND PULLED THE MUSCLE OFF THE BONES, AND THEN CUT OFF THE SPURS OF BONE THAT PROTRUDE OFF THE BACK OF EACH VERTEBRAE. THEN THEY INSTALLED RODS AND SCREWS THAT WERE SHIMMED WITH CADAVER BONE. WELL I OBVIOUSLY HAD TO WAIT ONCE AGAIN FOR THE INSURANCE COMPANY TO APPROVE THE PROCEDURE. CHRISTMAS WAS NICE SORT OF SMALLER BUT LESS COMMERCIAL THAN PAST CHRISTMASES. WE DID HAVE AN UNUSUAL SNOWSTORM THAT PRETTY MUCH SHUT EVERYTHING DOWN FOR THE ENTIRE WEEK OF CHRISTMAS. I HAD TO CHAIN UP THE CAR AND ANN AND I DID ALL THE CHRISTMAS SHOPPING IN ONE WELL PLANNED OUT TRIP. MY PARENTS LEFT MY BROTHERS A FEW DAYS AFTER ME AND FLEW TO L.A. TO SPEND CHRISTMAS WITH MY NIECE AND HER FAMILY. CHRISTMAS NIGHT MY MOTHER STARTED VOMITING AND HAD TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL. A FEW DAYS LATER TOTALLY UNRELATED MY FATHER HAD TO GO IN ALSO BECAUSE OF DIARRHEA AND DEHYDRATION. THEY DETERMINED THAT MY MOTHER HAD A BOWEL OBSTRUCTION AND BEING MY MOM SHE WASN'T GOING TO LET ANYTHING SPOIL HER TIME WITH THE FAMILY SO SHE HAD BEEN SUCKING IT UP AND JUST DEALING FOR SOME TIME BEFORE SHE FINALLY WENT TO THE HOSPITAL. IT WAS QUITE CONVENIENT FOR MY NIECE BECAUSE THEY WERE BOTH IN THE SAME HOSPITAL IN THE SAME ROOM. I GOT A CALL ON LIKE THE 28 FROM MY NIECE, MY FATHER HAD CARDIAC ARREST AND THEY HAD TO WORK ON HIM FOR 15 MINUTES TO GET HIS HEART STARTED AGAIN. SHE TOLD ME THAT HE WAS ICU AND THAT THE DOCTOR SAID THAT WE SHOULD ALL GET THERE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. BOTH MY PARENTS HAD DO NOT RESUSCITATE ORDERS, BUT MY SISTER, WHO IS A REALLY GREAT PERSON BUT IS A DEVOUT 7TH DAY ADVENTIST AND IS TOTALLY AGAINST THE IDEA, AND WAS IN CONTROL OF THE DOCUMENTS SO THE HOSPITAL HAD NO IDEA. WE ALL FLEW INTO MURRIETTA AND INVADED MY NIECE'S HOUSE. MY FATHER SUDDENLY CAME OUT OF UNCONCIOUSNESS AND WAS LUCID WHICH WAS NOT TOTALLY EXPECTED BECAUSE OF THE LENGTH OF TIME HE WAS OUT, AND THE FACT THAT THE DOCTORS DIDN'T THINK HE WOULD REGAIN CONSCIOUSNESS. HE WAS MOVED OUT OF ICU AND MY MOTHER WAS MOVED IN THEY WERE TRYING TO WAIT AND SEE IF THE OBSTRUCTION WOULD CLEAR ON IT'S OWN, AND THEY WERE KEEPING PRETTY SEDATED. THEY MOVED MY FATHER TO ANOTHER HOSPITAL IN TEMECULA TO INSTALL A DEFRIBULLATING PACEMAKER. THEY SAID THAT HIS HEART WAS ABOUT 80% DAMAGED. THEY INSTALLED IT AND HE REMAINED IN THEIR ICU. MY MOTHER WAS FINALLY RUSHED INTO SURGERY AND THEY TOOK OUT A PIECE OF HER LARGE AND SMALL INTESTINE ALONG WITH HER APPENDIX(?). MY FATHER WAS WELL ENOUGH THAT THEY DECIDED HE COULD BE MOVED TO A NURSING HOME FOR REHAB. IT TOOK AWHILE TO FIND A PLACE THAT WOULD TAKE HIS SCREWED UP MEDICARE D PRIVATE INSURER. HAD HE HAD NORMAL MEDICARE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SIMPLE, BUT I AM SURE THAT AT SOME POINT HE SAW BILL O'REILLY OR SOME OTHER FOX NEWS GUY PUSHING BUSH'S SCREWED UP PRESENT TO THE INSURANCE INDUSTRY AND DECIDED TO CHANGE IT, BECAUSE IF FOX NEWS SAYS IT'S GOOD IT MUST BE. AMONGST MANY THINGS MY FATHER AND I  DISAGREED ON POLITICS IS A BIGGEEE. THEY FINALLY FOUND A PLACE, BUT AT 4:00 AM ON THE MORNING HE WAS TO MOVE HE DIED. MEANWHILE MY MOTHER WAS MENDING AND WE HAD A SURREAL NEW YEARS EVE AT MY NIECE'S. 

THE SURGEON CALLED WHEN I WAS THERE AND TOLD ME THAT MY INSURANCE APPROVED THE SURGERY AND WE SET A DATE. I FLEW HOME AND A WEEK LATER HAD MY SURGERY. THEY TOLD ME IT WAS GOING TO BE MORE PAINFUL BECAUSE OF THE NEED TO MOVE MY NECK MUSCLES OT OF THE WAY, AND THEY DELIVERED. THEY HAD ME TAKING A BUNCH OF PERCOCET AFTER THE SURGERY. I WASN'T CRAZY ABOUT HOW DOPED OUT I WAS BUT IT WAS NICE TO BE MEDICATED ENOUGH FOR MY HEAD TO NOT BE POUNDING. BETWIXT THE PERCS AND MY NECK KILLING ME MY HEAD WAS ACTUALLY NOT AS BAD AS USUAL. I THINK IT WAS THEN I MADE A MISTAKE. I WENT TO AN APPOINTMENT WITH ONE OF HIS PHYSICIAN ASSISTANTS. I TOLD HER THAT I WOULD RATHER SHE KNOCK ME BACK DOWN TO THE VICODIN THAT I WAS TAKING PRIOR TO THE SURGERY, BECAUSE I WAS WILLING TO TRADE A LITTLE PAIN FOR LESS DOPINESS. SHE WROTE ME A PRESCRIPTION AND I FILLED IT. I HAVE BEEN TAKING 10/325 VICODINS EVERY 4 HOURS FOR ALMOST TWO YEARS. THEY DON'T KILL THE PAIN BUT THEY JUST TAKE THE EDGE OFF OF IT. SHE GAVE ME A PRESCRIPTION FOR 5/500S 1OR2 EVERY 4 TO 6 HOURS. I HAD TO TAKE 2 OF THEM EVERY 4 HOURS, AND THIS WAS WHY I WAS TAKING THE 10/325'S BECAUSE THAT IS TOO MUCH ACETOMINOPHEN PER DAY, AND THAT IS WHY THE DOCTOR ORIGINALLY CHANGED ME FROM THE 5/500S. SO I TOOK THEM UNTIL THE BOTTLE WAS ALMOST EMPTY AND THEN CALLED IN TO ASK THEM TO CHANGE IT BACK FOR MY REFILL. I ALSO WANTED THEM TO GIVE ME  A FULL MONTH'S SUPPLY RATHER THAN THE 5 DAY SUPPLY THEY WERE GIVING ME. A $10 COPAY DOESN'T SOUND LIKE MUCH, BUT THE DIFFERENCE WAS $10 AS OPPOSED TO THE $60 IT WAS GOING TO COST ME TO DO IT THEIR WAY, AND WHEN YOU HAVE NO INCOME THAT IS IN MY OPINION NOT AN UNFAIR REQUEST TO MAKE. WELL I COULD TELL AS SOON AS I STARTED TALKING TO THIS OTHER PA ON THE PHONE THAT THIS WAS GOING TO END UP WITH ME PISSED OFF AND THEM THINKING I AM SOME KIND OF CRAZED DOPE FIEND. FIRST OFF SHE STARTS TELLING ME THAT IS AN AWFUL LOT OF PERCOCET TO HAVE TAKEN IN 5 DAYS. I HAD TO POINT OUT THAT I HAD ASKED THEM TO CHANGE IT TO THE VICODIN. WELL THEN SHE TELLS ME THAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE MADE THAT LAST A WEEK. SO I EXPLAIN THAT I NEVER GET MORE THAN 4 HOURS OF SLEEP IN A ROW BECAUSE THE PAIN WAKES ME UP IF I CAN SLEEP AT ALL. THEN I START TO EXPLAIN THAT I WANT HER TO CHANGE IT TO THE 10/325S BECAUSE OF THE PROBLEM WITH THE AMOUNT OF ACETOMINOPHEN I WAS HAVING TO TAKE. WE ARGUED AND SHE TELLS ME THAT I AM ONLY TAKING IN JUST BELOW 4 GRAMS AND THAT IS FINE, BY THIS TIME THE TENSION HAS MY HEAD POUNDING AND I AM PRETTY PISSED OFF TO HAVE TO EXPLAIN THE MATH. I WAS TAKING IN 6 GRAMS PER DAY (12 X .500) SHE FINALLY UNDERSTANDS THAT THE PILLS I AM TAKING AREN'T 325S. I AM FINDING HARD TO BELEIVE THAT SHE COULD POSSIBLY BE READING A CHART BECAUSE THIS IS THE SECOND MISTAKE SHE HAS MADE ABOUT WHAT IT IS THAT THEY HAD PRESCRIBED FOR ME. NOW I HAVE HER PISSED BECAUSE I HAVE HAD TO CORRECT HER AND I AM NOT BEING THE MOST DIPLOMATIC FUCKER BECAUSE I HATE STUPIDITY WHEN IT IS THE PEOPLE MAKING MY MEDICAL DECISIONS. SO SHE STARTS WITH "WELL YOU REALLY NEED TO TRY SOME OTHER THINGS LIKE PHYSICAL REHAB OR MEDITATION. I THEN EXPLAIN THAT I HAVE AND ACCUPUNCTURE AND OTHER THINGS. FINALLY SHE SAYS OKAY AND THAT SHE WILL ONLY GIVE ME A TWO WEEK SUPPLY. SO I PICK IT UP AND SHE HAD THE PHARMACY PUT ON THE BOTTLE THAT IT HAD TO LAST UNTIL A DATE 2 WEEKS LATER. SO COOL I TAKE IT AS PRESCRIBED SO IT ISN'T A BIG DEAL. THEN I NOTICE SHE HAD ONLY GIVEN ME A TEN DAY SUPPLY. I MADE A DECISION TO TAKE IT LIKE NORMAL, BECAUSE I HAD TO CHOOSE BETWEEN 14 BAD DAYS OR 4 REALLY BAD DAYS. IT AIN'T LIKE I AM SUNSHINE SUSIE NORMALLY, I AM NOT GOING TO STRETCH OUT THE PAIN SO I'LL JUST DEAL. ABOUT 8 DAYS IN ANN GETS INVOLVED BECAUSE I TOLD HER I WASN'T GOING TO TALK TO THESE PEOPLE ANY MORE BECAUSE I JUST END UP MORE PISSED AND IN MORE PAIN BECAUSE OF THE TENSION. SHE CALLS OUR GP AND TALKS TO HIS NURSE. WELL THE NURSE MUST HAVE CALLED THEM AND REAMED THEM A NEW ONE BECAUSE THEY CALLED ME. WE TALKED AND I TOLD THEM THAT I HAD AN APPOINTMENT COMING UP TO ACTUALLY SEE THE ACTUAL DOCTOR SO IF THEY COULD FIND IT IN THEIR HAERTS TO JUST GIVE ME ENOUGH TO LAST UNTIL THEN, THEN I WOULD TALK TO HIM AND GET THINGS STRAIGHTENED OUT. NOW I SHOULD POINT OUT THAT THE SURGEON IS PART OF ONE OF THESE BIG CORPORATE PLACES THAT HAS THE SURGEONS AND THE PHYSICAL THERAPY GYM ALL TOGETHER SO THEY GET YOU COMING AND GOING. ONE SMALL PROBLEM WITH THEIR PLAN IS THAT MY INSURANCE WILL PAY THEM FOR SURGERY BUT THEY ARE NOT A PREFERRED PROVIDER OF PT. ANN AND I GO INTO THE APPOINTMENT AND I TELL THE GUY THAT AT THIS POINT THEIR IS NOTHING MORE HIS PRACTICE IS GOING TO DO FOR ME AND IF THAT IS THE CASE I WANT TO SWITCH MY CASE BACK TO MY GP. OF COURSE DR. DOLLAR IS AN ASSHOLE SURGEON AND HE CAN SEE NOTHING WRONG WITH ME SO HIS DIAGNOSIS IS THAT MY HEADACHES ARE BEING CAUSED BY THE PAIN PILLS. SO I GO TO MY GP WHO NOW HAS TO DEAL WITH DR. DOLLAR'S ASSHAT DIAGNOSIS BECAUSE I AM SURE THAT IT IS NOW IN MY FOLDER. SO MY GP SENDS ME TO A NEUROLOGIST DR. DICKHEAD AND SURPRISE SURPRISE HE CONCURS WITH DR. DOLLAR. NOW I SHOULD EXPLAIN HE MAKES THIS BRILLIANT DIAGNOSIS AFTER LOOKING AT ME FOR 5 MINUTES AND BEFORE HE LOOKS AT ANY OF THE 2 YEARS WORTH OF RECORDS AND TESTS, MRI'S, INJECTIONS, OR PRIOR DIAGNOSIS.

THAT ME BRINGS ME TO NOW, THE TREATMENT FOR HIS DIAGNOSIS IS A TOTAL STOPPAGE OF ANY PAIN MEDIATIONS INCLUDING ASPRIN, IBUPROPHEN, ETC. THEN AFTER 2-3-4 MONTHS IF I HAVEN'T DRILLED HOLES IN MY HEAD WITH MY BLACKAND DECKER TOLET THE PRESSURE OUT OF MY HEAD I AM CURED. OH AND EVEN IF I STILL AM IN PAIN THAT COULD JUST BE BECAUSE MY "BRAIN HAS BEEN REWIRED." AND THEIR REALLY ISN'T ANYTHING THEY CAN DO EXCEPT TELL ME TO MEDITATE IT AWAY. GUYS,  I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN TAKE THE PAIN FOR 3 DAYS LET ALONE 3+ MONTHS. IT'S ALMOST 5AM AND I THINK I STARTED THIS AROUND       2 AM. I HAVE SPENT AMNY NIGHTS IN THIS GARAGE LOOKING AT THE AX ON THE FLOOR AND HONESTLY CONSIDERING LOPPING OFF MY LITTLE TOE TO JUST TRY TO MAKE THE PAIN IN MY HEAD GO AWAY. I AM REALLY SCARED, AND THE THING IS I AM NOT EVEN SAYING THEY ARE NECESSARILY WRONG AND IF THE PAIN GOES AWAY GREAT. I DON'T LIKE PAIN PILLS THEY SLOW MY MIND AND MAKE ME STUPID, AND I WANT TO KNOW FOR SURE BEFORE I MAKE THE SWITCH TOSOMETHING LIKE METHADONE WHICH I UNDERSTAND WORKS WELL AND DOESN'T DOPE YOU OUT AS BAD, BUT THE SIDE EFFECTS OF QUITTING IT ARE PRETTY SEVERE AND WITH OUR FINANCES BEING SO UNSURE I DON'T NECESSARILY WANT TO START SOMETHING THAT I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO CONTINUE IF THE FINANCES DRY UP. I FEEL LIKE NOTHING IS SURE AND I ALSO FEEL LIKE THEY HAVE JUST GIVEN UP ON TRYING TO FIND WHY BEFORE I EVER STARTED TAKING ANYTHING THIS HEADACHE SUDDENLY BLINDSIDED ME. MY LIFE WITH PAIN MEDS IS PRETTY FUCKING MISERABLE AND I REALLY HAVE A HARD TIME SEEING HOW I AM GOING TO DEAL WITH THIS PAIN WITHOUT THEM WITHOUT JUST GIVING UP. I AM SCARED AND UNSURE AND PHYSICALLY BROKEN. I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN AND WHETHER I CAN DEAL WITH THIS.

               ANYHOW THAT IS WHAT'S UP

I HOPE YOU ALL ARE DOING WELL AND ARE HAPPY