makalou's Journal

5:37pm

so.. i think evening has always been the hardest time for me. even moreso that i have a kiddo. love the kiddo.. but never have time to type. get the thoughts out of my head. 

i guess i miss her house in the summer. on the lake. with the kids running everywhere (she adopted a ton of kids). she's in an awesome mood and all is well. we have some laughs, bbq and have a bon fire. the jabs and comments always come.. but there are times when she is cool, and acts like she likes me. 

then the winter hits and she's a time bomb. seasonal depression i think. or a migraine. always a headache. always retreats to her room. always hides. 

i think it really hit me when i was around 4 years old. she left for rehab.. thought she was dead for a few months. she came back, scooped us up, moved us away. then it was all about AA, all about the meetings, getting to the meetings, staying sober. then it was all about foster kids, taking care of them, protecting them. now it is all about the kids she has adopted, games, school board, mom groups.

"time for you older ones to fly the nest"

"this christmas is just with the younger kids"

thanks to a great shrink, i realize.. its always about her first. takes care of her first.

i have to take a stand. 

i will not call her tonight.