makalou's Journal

1:07pm

haven't talked to her in over 2 weeks.. seems like forever. when i start to feel guilty or wish i could hear her voice when she's happy to hear from me (her tone changes).. i have to remember all the times she berrated me for calling her so often. 

it is not my fault she is bat shit looney.

i have to stop the way i let it in.. i have to protect myself. she will never be the mother i want and need. she is not programed that way. i'm not looking for donna reed.. just someone who isn't going to belittle me, make my tum hurt when they enter the room, glare at me, and say things that make me feel like a total nut. 

when i want to call her and get the urge i must recall : 

"only good friends would sit throught this" - at my daughter's first birthday party.. i made a video

"there is something wrong with you"

"i love you because you are my daughter, but i do not like you"

"if we were the same age i wouldn't be friends with you"

"you are going to get divorced anyways"

"i don't see how henry could stand living with you"

"you always freak out, that's why we don't tell you things"

"your grandfather is having heart surgery" - via email.. b/c we are not speaking

"you suck the life out of me" - giving her a hug

"you have done so much damage"