PinkyLaw's Journal

Right, I hadn't smoked for two days, most people say that's a good thing I am not bothered and I do have to fight it and have no intention of quitting, I mean my reasons for this are pretty shabby I thought.

1. I love it - The smell, the taste - Scabby perhaps and of course the kick.

2. I smoke outside, mostly at night because I love looking at the world in the peace and quiet.

3. Smoking/going for a smoke gives me the chance to reflect and think and usually I smoke on my own so it's a good opportnity.

4. I am not socially pressured to smoke I mean some of my friends do but I wont light up because they're.

5. I don't care there's a smoking ban particularly because you have to consider the health and opinion of others, those people working in restaurants and bars and the people who want to exist in a smoke-free environment.

6. I understand and acknowledge the health and financial constraints of smoking, I'm not completely stupid, although that's debatable. I understand I'd be richer, I'd be physically healthier and I mean if I even a developed signs or symptoms of dwindling health I would stop immediately, i.e. a smokers cough.

They seem pretty straight-forward, I mean until today I realised that not smoking I realised that I began to think of drugs, yknow a joint and pills mostly and craved them.

 I am clean and very rarely a few times a year at most I indulge in drug-taking activities, it just shows that I still have addiction and despite giving up even the cigs for awhile was possible.

It proves I totally do still have addiction and if it wasn't for the cigs I'd have these thoughts more often I mean I am capable of fighting it and going cold turkey alone that's how I got clean but I hope I never get sick from smoking because I couldn't deal with the mental reprecussions - I could I just don't want to and lately I am thinking of just tapping into these habits alot more, shows we all have demons.

To be honest I have self-control so I am tempted to just go back for a top-up sometimes and it's not like I am looking for you to say don't do it. There is no reason why I wouldn't and I know I can cope and take it, yknow that torn feeling.