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marylouwho 
1:38pm, August 23, 2009
Can you believe it? I learned something. The depth of my sorrow, despair, insomnia and depression gifted me with insight. Or at least I am deluded to think so.
I'm watching a girlfriend. I see myself in her although my lessons are of a different nature. She was married her whole life and dumped him to see if she could make life better. She wants what many of us seek: real love.
I often tell her that the quest is internal and not external. She is so beautiful that she only so much as has to inhale and exhale and another man is at her feet vying for her attention. And so the games go. The men come and go and the quest is always the same. Someone please love me.
The search for the elusive gift of love is a mission many of us spend a lifetime seeking. We are like door to door salesman getting the disappointment of the door being slammed in our face. Many of the people we wanted to love could not match our energy. They were fearful and worked against us instead of with us. Our failed relationships are simply blocked energy and disappointment. People who would not allow us into their souls.
As a result of so much rejection we close down. Survival mode kicks in. We must preserve ourselves and block out the threats. Everyone must get away. A feeling of being stuck comes in and everyone must be pushed away. Trying to keep it all together takes so much energy. The biggest threat of all is anyone who wants to love us and break through the defenses. Ahh, such is the state of depression. It feels like you are NOT in control. It is in control therefore submit your power over to it. Reject anyone who tries to worm their way through the defense.
Someone comes along and says. "I love you. It is OK." Oh God now that is like the biggest threat of all. Run, run like hell! For now you are most vulnerable. And the challenge is on. In which world do you place your feet on safe ground or in the shaky world where vulnerability reins supreme?
You have this enormous wealth of love to share only you cannot find anyone with whom to express it with. And there in lies the problem. No body loves me. I am not worthy.
Now turn that around. I love everyone and everyone is worthy. Where does truth lie? That is the part where people mess up their lives. They loose their connection with BEING the love that they are. They disconnect from truth. They block the flow of energy through them.
For the truth is.... not that we GET a job or we GET a lover. The truth is we DRAW it to us because it is a match to the essence of who and what we are.
Comments
Indeed.
jospring
"I love you, it's OKAY" :)
GeocacherNY
LOL. I love me too.
marylouwho
very interesting. what book is this from? especially about the survival mode thing. i think that is definitely true.
79pounds
It is not from a book that I know of.....perhaps I shall write one LOL.
marylouwho
bravo...I can understand so well what you are saying....Big hugs I love you and me tooo....
Mamalyn
You know that's great, and I REALLY enjoyed reading it.
Thanks for sharing.
Rob4Support
good thinking (((hugs)))
GracieLooWho
I know we have shared many thoughts here, so I come back to this one.. Acceptance.. When we finally accept us today, in our present state, imperfect as we are, but worthwhile and loving, and we share that... we bring it out in others... And whoa if me make a mistake, cause we will, and then it is oops, sorry I will work on that, and start forward again.. Accepting ourselves first, and others too we can find happiness, joy, love in abundance. It will come to us as surely as it will come out of us.. It is not a thought, but an action, continous, everday action.. To know what to do and then not do it is still smart, but to set about doing what we know, is wisdom.. And accepting all that we learn while walking, changes us, makes us stronger and better able to share our love with others...
K I need a beer. Action time!! Anybody coming????
FrozenChosen
Well said ML. You certainly got a way with words.
ghur4
WOW ML you got it girl. And frozenchosen you are WISE, oh so wise. I think I'll bookmark this page, or just photostat it and hang it so I look at it every morning. Wow, again. Sharon
Shrn
And so the next questions I must ask are: How may we live our divinity and express the divine love within us? How do we navigate the fearful souls that we love? How do we deal with the people spewing rejection? The people who are desperate in survival mode?
How can we expand and not contract when dancing the life dance with people who challenge us? How best do we manifet divinity through humanity?
Do we leave behind the people who can not match our energy? Or do we learn how to love them in spite of themselves?
marylouwho
This is a very good journal....and I do understand where you are coming from. Tons of questions and very few answers.....and when depression is involved...then it seems like there are more questions.......I can not answer them for you....but what I do is just throw them up in the air....and let God take control.
Keep writing my dear....
XOXO
Dee
deeitsme
you are right. we need to find love within our souls to love another. we need to break down our walls to feel the flow of love enter our spiritual realm.
lovewins
ML, You have expressed your thoughts so very well. I am at the point where I can say I do love myself and will live my life doing the best I can to remain healthy and moving onward. Hugs to you.
Gwinnie
well said!!!!
kelmatmom
The depression lifts and then comes back. It is hard to motivate through. I will but it is not easy.
I think there is a chemical reason depression visits. What enhances the experience is to actually have things to be upset about. Hmm.
Doesn't every one have something to be upset about? We have freewill. DO we react or stuff it deep within? And so the internal conflict rages on and at times the lead ass must be pushed through the motions to get to the next event.
Today my goal is to finish painting the house and yet I am shivering cold. Everything I touched today was a disaster. Early morning photo shoot sucked.
Somehow keep pushing on. There is always tomorrow.
marylouwho
I have heard that men and women ride a chemical cycle, I think it was actually two different cycles.. I know that there is a time in that cycle when you can feel very low, disconnected, almost banging into walls. Recognize this time for yourself, plot it on a calendar, so you can learn about it, helps you to react to it with a wisdom born of patience..
If you become a tree, rooted deeply in the ground and let this time and feeling flow over and around you, it will pass. If you try to resist it, you can become tired, overwhelmed and depressed.
If we spend too much time looking to tomorrow we will often miss the nuggets that surround us, here and now. Take a moment, relax, wrap your hands around a tea of choice and let your mind empty, for a time, then get back up and tackle your painting..
(((ML)))
FrozenChosen
My daughter and I were talking about this yesterday..I realize that I have some chemical embalance or something. I find that there are times when I feel no control over what I am feeling. But maybe that is just a cop out on my part. I am trying to be more aware of what might be influencing my moods..Thank you for sharing...It really does help me to read about how someone else deals with the things that I struggle with...Hugs to you..
Mamalyn
I don't have much childfree time so I must control and plan my time very well. I must get that painting done. Yet I really feel like crawling in bed and pulling the blankets over my head. Tomorrow I will be very busy in another direction. No time for sadness.
Tea? Yeah right, give myself permission to sit still. If I get to work now maybe I can treat myself with alcohol latter. Or if I can get over the feeling of being cold.......there will be a Halloween parade downtown tonight...... oh and also a party to attend.
Somehow staying in seems more appealing than going out. First step....get moving..................
marylouwho