Journal

 "To the degree that you doubt your worthiness, you tend to sabotage your efforts and undermine your relationships."   ~Dan Millman 

This was my holiday with this kids but I gave it to X because I haven't had a break in a long time and we just had thanksgiving with my mom last week.  So the kids left last night for Daddy's.  I was determined to work but I was so wiped out I fell asleep early. So much for grand plans.

I hope I do something valuable with this gift of time. I also hope I give myself a break somewhere along the way.  Life is too short to never take a breather.  Wow...free time....what a concept.

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Quotes 

We may love and care about our family very much. Family members may love and care about us. But interacting with some members may be a real trigger to our codependency - sometimes to a deep abyss of shame, rage, anger, guilt, and helplessness.

It can be difficult to achieve detachment, or an emotional level, with certain family members. It can be difficult to separate their issues from ours. It can be difficult to own our power. Difficult, but not impossible.

The first step is awareness and acceptance - simple acknowledgment, without guilt, of our feelings and thoughts. We do not have to blame our family members. We do not have to blame or shame ourselves. 

Acceptance is the goal - acceptance and freedom to choose what we want and need to do to take care of ourselves with that person. We can become free of the patterns of the past. Progress is the goal.  ~  Melody Beattie ©


If you want a miracle in your life, you have to participate. Be the place where a miracle may occur. Shift your thinking; believe in a bigger way. What limitations have you placed on yourself? What lines have you drawn that can now be erased?  ~Mary Manin Morrissey 

So the goal then is to not be paralized with fear just because my ole ego can't get what it wants, when it wants how it wants.  Instead I need to channel my energy towards what I must accomplish and I must do so with concentration eagerness and a warm heart. Because what I REALLY want in this world wants me too.

On a personal note I am laughing at my facebook friends. One friend from college was in shock when I said something in my status about my x husband. X she said "well that explains why he was missing from all the photos."  The funny part was that I did tell her I was divorcing and felt bad about it. It is not fun to lean on others with my problems and admit failure.  Here I am feeling bad that I told her  .....and it didn't even register with her. She is a rather close friend so this is really mind boggling.

Then last night another life long friend who is also on facebook contacts me... He was also shocked all the sudden that I'm divorced.  Gosh it is written right in my facebook description in case they forget. Anyway he  may come visit next week (  needs to see the Saints game live).

It amazes me that people talk to me all the time and missed that major event in my life. I must not reveal as much as I think I do. Maybe I'm invisible. I can speak but I am not heard.  Someday I will find my voice and use it more effectively.

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Quotes: 

In a busy world, it's tempting to believe that someone else has the answers. Sometimes they do, but even then, their answers may not be yours. This week, remember that you are the authority on your own life. You'll be more peaceful if you listen for the wisdom in other people's advice, then take what serves you and leave the rest. In the end, peace comes from knowing yourself ... and trusting yourself to make decisions that serve life and love.   ~Joan Borysenko

"If there is any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, and not defer or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again." ~William Penn  

My mom just left this morning.  I guess we had a successful visit.  I let her do anything she wanted. I kept my mouth shut  and didn't react to anything. The real trick is to never talk about feelings and carry on with a smile on my face and unconditional love in my heart. My x-husband was the same archetype as my mom. I ended my lesson with him but hey this is my mom...... so deal with it.

On a metaphysical level the concept is that we choose our parents based on what it is we came to the planet to experience. So I choose this woman.  If so it is my mission to grow from the experiences of her and not be defeated.

Last night my son got a lesson about mom.   All week she has been giving them little gifts.  Last night was Shiloh's birthday (she turned 7) and since Mom told him that she had a gift for him (he just turned 3 last month) he was in great anticipation. So far this week they got second hand ragged ann and andy dolls, one outfit and a generic blanket. Mom handed my daughter a gift of Barbies and my son got a gift of socks. She asked me his size but the size she bought won't actually fit him for several years. So for his birthday he gets socks that don't fit.

My son Eli knows that he doesn't get gifts on other people's birthdays. But MOM didn't get him anything for HIS birthday other than the socks and she was building it up so much. He also didn't get the big train birthday party that Daddy promised. What Daddy gave him instead was cake and a present with his sister three weeks AFTER his birthday.

Eli is three and I can see the disappointment in his eyes.  That feeling that he is not loved. I know what it felt like growing up with my Mom and having the same thing done to me over and over again. You always think this time will be different....but its not....just another disappointment. I learned to have really low expectations of other people and without a doubt my mom has no clue as to who I am.  I was treated like I was bad somehow and basically...I have always been really good always hoping for her approval...not that it was ever noticed. I gave up needing it a long time ago.

My daughter picked up on Eli's pain  right away last night.  She felt horrible but she continued to play with her new toys. Tomorrow Eli will see his sister get a big party that he was promised and didn't get.  Today I will go out and buy HIM a gift and wrap it up and tell him that grandma forgot to give him this one. Then we will sit and talk about how wonderful grandma is...... I will not allow his self esteem to be damaged at such a young age.  I don't want him to get spoiled but I also do NOT want him to think that he doesn't have value.  So if you read this send my son some love energy that he grows up to be whole and balanced regardless of the idiot adults in his life.

 Quotes:

"Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you."   ~Wayne Dyer