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CynK 
7:32pm, September 29, 2008
I am still here (sort of). I've spent more time in NC taking care of my mom. God, I didn't think things could get any harder. But here I sit facing another set of holidays and wondering how to carry on. I made it home in time for Thanksgiving...just barely. My daughter and her husband and 3 of their 4 dogs all came over for the day. It was wonderful to have them here. (Last yr they were in West Virginia for Thanksgiving.) While Ragan & I were talking the subject of decorating came up. I haven't put up a tree since Weston died. I don't want much that is festive around me. I told Ragan I was sorry, that we felt like she was getting cheated out of her holidays. She told me she felt very much the same way. She felt like her husband was the one getting cheated because she didn't even want to put up a tree. I didn't realize that she was still feeling so low. That makes me feel even worse...that I didn't realize how much she was hurting too. I knew things were different for her, but I didn't know she was feeling such a loss of the joy of the holidays too. And then again I think I did. She & I just try so hard to pretend for each other that sometimes we don't truely communicate. I think I'll try to be more honest w/ her about how I feel and leave the door open for her to do the same.
Now, as for the situation w/ my mother.... my brother and sister both live in or near Knoxville. They sort of insisted that we move my mother to a rehab facility close to them. I didn't really fight them on the location, but did my homework on the facility and had a bunch of questions about the quality of care. They both went by the facility and assured me it was a wonderful facility. We moved my mom on Tues. With the rock slide on I-40 near the NC state line it was a 3 hour drive to move her (which we did ourselves). Wed. morning I was supposed to stop by on my way out of town to check on my mom. When I got there she was slumped on the side of the bed (no one around) w/ no call button or phone w/in reach, about to slip off the bed. I was so not happy w/ the quality of care she had gotten to that point that I called my sister to come so I had back up in what I was seeing. It's a long story which I will not bore you w/, but it is enough to say my brother was neither seen nor heard from during this time. Now I am home and cannot rest comfortably, thinking of the care my mother is getting. I will go back to Knoxville next week and spend a few days watching and waiting to see what happens. I've read everything I can find about strokes and rehab and am learning more every day. The brain is such an amazing organ and there is still so much to learn about it and how it works.
I want to thank each of you who has sent a prayer or positive energy my way. There are times when I can really feel the uplifting sent my way. And oh, how I need it!!!
I love you all and am so grateful to have you in my corner!
Comments
I'm back in TN...got home very late Wed. night. It was so good to get back to my own bed! The beds in the Rathbun Center (the hospital hospitality house where we stayed) were so hard it was hard to sleep, but they beat those uncomfortable chairs in the hospital rooms! It's going to take me a while to catch up on my sleep. I'll be heading back late next week I think. I'll stop in Knoxville to check out some of the rehab facilities there. My brother and sister live in or close to Knoxville and want to move my mom there for her the second phase of her rehab. It will be closer to me, but I worry that it will be harder for my mom because she won't have all of her church and social friends able to visit her. I guess what really matters is that we find the best facility for her.
I just want to say how much I appreciate all the prayers and good thoughts from all the wonderful people here. You are all still my lifeline!
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I am so glad that you are back home. I know caring for an aged parent is so hard on many levels and is exhausting for you. I hope that you will be able to figure out what is best for all involved...Take care...love you...Karen
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It's good to hear from you. I'm glad your home safely. I hope you find the best facility for your mother. I know that often those facilities keep them so busy with their rehab that they don't have a lot of extra time for other things, so hopefully she wont miss all that while she is recovering. Keep in touch. Much love. Robin
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I'm glad your home. Having worked in a rehab I agree with Robin. Your Mother may be disappointed at first, but hopefully she'll make new friends. Take care,
Pat
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My mom is now in a rehab hospital in Asheville. Tomorrow will be her 81st birthday. She is not making the kind of progress we have been hoping she would. They so completely wore her out yesterday with all her therapy that today she was too tired to gain much from what she was put through today. She could hardly stay awake most of the day. Her mind is not completely aware all the time. Some times are better than others. I will be going back to TN tomorrow after my mom's birthday celebration. It will be the first time I've been home since Oct 16. The rock slide on I-40 just inside the NC state line will add at least an hour to my trip home...making it at least 7 1/2 hours.
Thank you all for all your good thoughts and prayers. They are much appreciated. Love to you all.
Cyn
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When my husband had his stroke in June 2008 he was not willing to even try to stay awake for the 1st 6 weeks. When we went to Rehab I just wanted to cry b/c the therapists could not get him to stay awake to do much of anything. Yet every day we went to physical, occupational, and speech therapy. They kept telling me that it was not unusual and that he would get better. We were in a Rehab facility for 6 weeks and by the time we left, it was amazing how far he had come. And now 16 months later he is still getting better and better. Will he ever be as good as he was before the stroke, probably not as his vision has been affected, and a large portion of his cerebellum had to be removed. You may be amazed. Don't give up hope. One of the things that I believe helped my husband a lot was having music playing in his room all the time. It was way too hard for him to try to watch tv but he did listen to the music. Even when you thought he was asleep his brain was tuned in. Please know that thoughts and prayers are with you both. Enjoy birthday 81 and have a safe trip home. HUGS - Nadine
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Hugging you tightly and wishing you strength, courage and peace as you face this challenge in your life. I hope you are able to get some rest while you are at home. My sister and I are heading to Pigeon Forge in the morning for a bit of rest and relaxation. I love sitting in the peace of the mountains!!!love and hugs...Lynn
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Cyn, I'm keeping you in my prayers and hoping you find the strength and comfort as you go thru all this. Be careful going back home and have a safe trip. Love, Kim
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Happy Birthday to your mom & drive carefully. Have a safe trip back home. Hugs, Ann
Past Entries
God bless you so much, you are a wonderful daughter to care so much. my thoughts and prayers with you. love donna
misshimsooo
I continue to keep you mom in thought and heart. I'm sure as you open yourself up more to Ragan, and she does the same, your relationship will grow even beyond the wonderfulness that it is today. I wish you both joy and peace. Hugs, Teri.
RememberKala
Good Luck with your mom - I will continue to keep you in my thoughts & prayers. This is the 1st year I have decorated & got my Christmas dishes out since Billy died - am not doing a tree this year - not ready for that yet - too many memories about Billy's last Christmas & the tree falling & Billy propping it up so if it fell again it would fall into the corner...Hugs, Ann
annsullivan
Cyn, I understand about the not decorating....I haven't been able to put up a tree either, but I am going to try this year.......we will see. I'm glad you and Ragan talked about your feelings. It's important to understand how you are both feeling. You are a good daughter and your mom is blessed to have you. I hope things get better where she is and that you are more comfortable with it while she is there. Keeping you both in my thoughts and prayers. Love, Kim
KimRW
Cyn...I have found that putting up decorations help me...it feels strange at first...as if we are going on without them...enjoying things without them...but there is no way I am going on without him. He is present in everyday of my life. I do enjoy things even with the ups and downs of grief...but i I cannot live the rest of my life not enjoying holidays, so I work hard to enjoy them...decorate trees, lights, snowmen and santas...it is another distraction and it helps. Maybe you should put up a tree this year and encourage Ragan to enjoy too. I think it is a wonderful idea to start talking to Ragan about your feelings...it will only allow your relationship with her to grow. And, you both may be able to see something new in the holidays....love to you friend...I miss you...Karen
biowoman
The first year after Clinton's accident I put up a tree with only blue lights and 2 ornaments on it. One was the picture of Clinton that I received in an email from him about 5 months after he passed and one was an ornament about spending Christmas with Jesus. The next year there were just a few more ornaments. This year we will see. Depends on how everything plays out and what I am able to do. Will continue to keep you and your Mother in my prayers. Please move her if she is not getting quality care!!!!! Love and hugs...Lynn
l8gra