KrusH's Journal

 Forty five minutes now I have been staring at this blank box. Trying to gather my thoughts into some type of coherent message. But as much as I wanted this to be some truly life changing earth shattering journal expressing the immense void inside of myself, it simply can not be that. For as much as I want to explain it it is pointless to attempt. Firstly, as I often say this, and the one or two of you that do read these are surely allowed to defy it, nobody reads these. I could elaborate on the dozens upon dozens of possible reasons but that is not my business. Secondly, I am attempting to put forth truly unfathomable amounts of information that are leading to the way i feel. So with that i shall start attempting to explain.

 This morning, at 338am, months and months of repressed urges and denied feelings finally caught up to me. i took a very large amount of pills. It was not enough to kill me, but I am sure someone without the resistance to pills would be in some trouble. I had an insatiable urge to cut again. It was maddening how badly i wanted to, and in all fact probably still want to. So fearing that i may just give in to my urges in this state of  delusional courage, i decided it was time to get help. So in this technically intoxicated state, before the pills could actually kick in, i decided to drive to the hospital. Its an interesting race, seeing which is faster, your bodys metabolic processes, or driving to the hospital at one hundred and forty kilometers an hour.Sure enough i was faster. anyone that knows me personally should not be surprised (insert uneasy laughter here).

  I can still back into a parking lot at thirty five kilometers, in nights darkest black, with enough codeine in my system to knock out a moose. So I stumble my way into the hospital. it was locked but they have  the emergency buzzer, so i tried to press it, it took a few times, my coordination was already going. I pressed it for a few moments and slumped against the wall.

   " Hello can I help you?" the words felt distant, as if i was standing across the room from them, even though it was only a few inches from my face. 

   "Um ya, i would like to see someone please.... a doctor i mean... please..."

The door buzzed as they unlocked it from the nursing desk. slowly i pulled it open and stepped through, watching my feet as i walked toward the nursing desk. I do so hate eye contact when i feel like this.  I walked up and stood next to the nursing station. In my head i was already composing an eloquent way to put "i want to cut myself over and over and bleed until its all gone."

Im not sure exactly what i said but i ended up being told i had to stay the night. they showed me my room and i sat on my bed. the nusrse who had been there since i got there sat on the other end of the bed. 

 "My name is Kim by the way, i should have said that earlier."

i looked up at her, she had a sweet smile and long brown hair, but what caught me where her eyes. She had these icy blue gray eyes. Its strange, The last person i remembered, the last stranger that helped had these same eyes. They gave me an uncomfortable yet protected feeling. I must have just stared into her eyes for five minutes at least. They are the eyes from my story, those indescribable eyes ive been tryiing to describe. it makes me wonder, why is it the loving stranger who has these eyes? it confuses me. 

So i spent the night in the hospital, and have got to go meet with two different psychs next week:/