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reptilemom 
7:31pm, December 20, 2008
Well, Christmas is coming soon and I'm becoming more and more stressed about my food related issues. We had an early Christmas dinner at my mother in law's, and everyone noticed how little food I was taking. This is so embarassing and I really wish that I could dissapear around meal times so I could avoid it altogether. I took a good look in the mirror this morning and I was completely discusted with myself. I can't believe how much weight I have gained. Hormone related issues or not, I can't stay this way. I desperate to lose weight and I will do almost anything to go down to 90 pounds. I need to be thin, and if it takes dying to get there...then so be it.
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beat my eating disorder
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ED seems to have it's claws imbedded (sp?)keep into my soul, controling almost my every move. I ate more than I should of today....a bowl of oatmeal, a small sample of carrot cake from the store and a pizza crust. It feels like too much and I should definitely not had the carrot cake...it's sitting in my stomach like a brick even though it was only a small sample. I'm now consumed by guilt, not only because of what I ate but because I'm letting ED control my life again, when I swore that I wouldn't for my children's sake.
I need to go back to treatment but I won't go until I have lost all the excess weight that I have gained. It's embarassing to be a fat girl in an ED program. Yes, I do know that an ED is not controled by weight, yet that's the way I feel.uuuhhh! this is so incredibly frustrating....I hate being this way
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Today I'm definitely feeling myself slip back into old habbits. I ate half of a bowl of oatmeal anf half of a pear today, and I'm feeling so good about myself over it. I love the feeling of an empty stomach and absolutely hate the feeling of a full one. I really don't want to become ill again, but the need to be thin is over powering me and it's all I can think about.
Now I'm thinking that I should never have quit the ED program in the summer, and I'm considering going back next year, once I have lost all the weight that I need to lose. They make you eat alot during the program, so I was gaining weight. So I want to make sure that I need to gain a little bit of weight before I go back into the program.
I really hate ED, yet I'm happy to have it there as a part of me as well...crazy isn't it?????
UPDATED GOALS
beat my eating disorder
Progress 25%
Encouragements: 2
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I know how you feel.....I try to be 'normal' for my children's sake too. It's hard, but we have to hang in there and keep trying!!! I know you feel like you ate so much today but REALLY you didn't eat enough. Try not to feel bad. You deserve to be nourished just like you nourish your kids. ((Hugs))
tamara42
Take care of yourself. Your ED wants you to feel this way, keep fighting. And yes I know it is embarassing being the fat girl with an ED cause that is me.
HighlandRose