SaraHatesDope's Journal

the sun is out. but its COLD. what a tease. so i've been doing crappy about 89% of the time. smoking way too much pot. its not cool, i know. i just keep thinking that i very well could be doing worse things. which i would not do!

on the positive side, i got a letter in the mail saying that i now have an expunged record. i went through mailing out tons of this and that to several places in new jersey to clear my record and i finally acheived something. i feel good about that. although i am still having difficulties removing myself from this bubble of safety i put myself in. my head thinks in the craziest ways. if i just stay home doing nothing, then i wont relapse. i am scared of it. drugs are fucking all over the place and i dont think i would be strong enough to say no. even after being clean for over a year of heroin. i still have no self worth and don't really care if i die, quite honestly. i don't want to hurt the ones that love me, so i keep on keeping on. but if nobody loved me and had given up on me after all the shit i put them through, i wouldn't be alive. my family loves me so much its not even funny. and i love them too. so i stay semi strong for them.

i'm just always going to have the same issues and i just have to learn to live with it. but it's very difficult for me.

so thats all for now. i'll try to be happy. everyone else be happy too.