Journal

FUCK. good way to start off a journal entry. i know. that is how i am feeling about everything. FUCK IT. i am in so much emotional pain and anguish. im trying to keep my mind occupied today. but now im back to laying in bed. for the rest of the day probably. i dont have anybody to talk to cuz no one understands and i think about using drugs when im in this state of mind. which is all too often. i changed my goal to be just to stay off heroin. i've been smoking pot randomly and i was taking anti anxiety pills to fucking make me sleep. i cant sleep. i hate sleeping sometimes. but i love it too. of course they were my dads pills and now he expects me to find help cuz im a fucking drug addict. NO SHIT. haven't we established that?

god life fucking sucks.

i thought i was having more good than bad days recently. hmmm. doesn't seem like that now. i just keep thinking and thinking and thinking. and none of it's positive to say the least. sometimes i do still want die. but dying to me would be giving in to the depression and letting it win. there is some part in me that is stubborn. but there is a different part that just doesn't care. at all. i don't want to work. i don't want to live a so called "normal" life. and i don't want to be miserable. but i feel like i'm screwed since i am miserable no matter what happens in my life. i do not remember being extremely happy and thinking "wow, this is what life is all about".

i have no CLUE what life is all about and since i keep trying to figure it out, i am not living it. i am so depressed that i'm about to just check into a hospital inpatient and see if someone, ANYONE, can help me through this. i am almost 25 years old, for fuck sake, and i have nothing to show for it. what the fuck am i supposed to do? no need for an answer cuz i know what i SHOULD do, i just cannot push myself to do it. i want to have a life, and be happy. i want to have babies someday and feel worth a damn and maybe even get married. but thats debateable. i realize that there is a whole future ahead of me but putting the past away is so hard for me that i'm starting to just give up. i cant stop dwelling and MY GOD, it's frustrating. it's like i'm not meant to be here because i can't handle normal life situations and the bullshit that life is all about. i know it's not all bullshit, i do. i just can't seem to find my way.

i never wanted to really BE anything when i grew up. some kids say, oh i wanna be an astronaut or a racecar driver or even president. and what did i say when i was a kid? what have i said ever since i've been a kid? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WANNA DO. i thought that by 24 years old i would have something. something to keep me going and get me through the days and the years. i didn't realize i would be so fucked in the head. obviously. no one does. i feel so worthless. there really is no reason i'm alive except for my family because they love me more than i could ever love myself. if it wasnt for them, i'd be on the streets shootin up dope and hoping to overdose to put myself out of my own misery.

i think i am here for some fucking reason though. i just don't understand anything. and apparently i'm not supposed to. i'm just supposed to live and pretend like everything is okay when inside, i'm dying? i do not want to put on that act. although i seem to everyday since when i go out in public and get asked "how are you?" i say "good, how are you" and i'm all nice. because prior to what i believe at times, i am a nice person. thats who i am. if i wanted to be an asshole, i couldn't because it causes me too much anxiety. seriously. that may not make sense but there have been times that i got so angry and couldn't express it and just started crying with my heart racing out of my chest, unable to breath. UGH.

i just don't know anything.