Journal

I'd like to think it mattered to someone here.

That is Painfully Obvious.

No one gives a shit.

That's ok though.

I think I have figured out how to navigate this slippery slope.

Maybe.

I don't know.

Not anymore.

If I ever did.

Ever.

I just keep telling myself 'it's all good'

Ya, that's right.

It is All Good.

*sigh*

Just wish hope and pray that this helps my kid.

I told her about the site and she logged on.

Please be nice to her.

Don't blow her off like you do me...

Laugh Out Loud

Like anyone even reads this.

What a joke.

They all love me to death.

But no one will take me home.

No one will make it legit.

Yep, no one will take me home.

love me from afar.

love me dearly.

love me so much it can't be expressed.

Then why am I alone every night?

I have no one to visit that doesnt live a 2 hour drive away.

Just the two of them.

They both ADORE me too.

just so alone.

lonely.

no hope

no light

like quicksand

so tired

all the time

like a tornado.

everything swerrling around

cant see anything

like a fog

reality shifts

it's like nothing is real

it's all a joke

I keep myself surrounded by 

SO MUCH CRAP

I cannot navigate my bedroom

how can I expect to navigate my life

To much happening

not enough happening.

the days blend

I keep track of the days by Krystals school schedule.

and even then its not easy

I have so much inside of me

so much of what I am not sure.

full up.

Monica gets her weekend hideaway

with the love of her life

After trashing two other peoples lives

one of them suicidal, as we speak.

 she won't let him go...

And Monica just wonders how these messes always surround her

why can't she just be happy????

She is living in a fantasy world

and I have to listen to her drivel about 

how happy she is

what a great guy he is

how wonderful life is

when shes with him

how perfect he is

Fuck this

My tounge hurts.

It hurts to draw on a smoke.

It's yellow.

I scrub it with my toothbrush and it does not come off.

The areas where you can see my tounge,

It's red and raw looking.

And I think it might be a little swollen.

I can't find anything on it.

I've used google and bing

Ice cream makes it feel better...

There is never enough.

Time for me to sleep.

It would be nice if I got there...

Sleep that is...

Ya ok night

This is my Anniversary.

To the day.

October 31,1998

Eleven years since he moved out.

My EX husband.

Thank Goodness he is someone elses problem.

Oh what I have lived the last eleven years.

I have lived 4 life times.

In just one small decade.

And look how far I have come.

I Am functioning enough...

Because I am on meds right?

So I am good.

It's all good...

So Tired of all the STRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO I told you M got married

Everyone was invited,

Except Her ex husband,

(Who Is Living In Her Apartment),

And her future husbands GIRLFRIEND...

They didn't Invite her either.

They have been married for 5 weeks and have not lived together yet.

Jay, (Her Ex)< will be leaving on Wednesday the 5th of November.

Period

End of subjedt.

FINALLY After Years and Years of Enabeling him...

Then <3 Victor <3 gets to move in...

Monica is So Delerious with Happieness and Love.

So happy for her.

I am not sure she has Ever really Been happy.

Krystal has Ito...

He's staying here now.

Pays rent by cleaning and cooking...

It was going good until they bought the 

(Xbox 360) or whatever system it is.

Now Ito gets up in the morning and plays video games.

On More than One occasions,

Nothing got done.

At all,

No housework,

No cooking,

(One day I actually got a boiled chicken leg on a bowl with a fork for dinner...)

oh ya,

Turn Your Clock Back

My tounge is raw and yellow.

Food tastes funny.

It hurts to 'draw' across it...

I don't know.

I don't know what I am doing

Most of the time.

Any of the time.

OK... 

Too tired to tell you all about it.