chrurop's Journal

Oct. 9, 2009

I want to say to anyone who reads this that i'm in counseling and i go every 2 weeks.  sometimes i don't have much to say, especially when things are going well.  then there are times i just vent, i don't need her to say much.  we share my triumphs.  it's good to talk to someone to guide me, encourage me, support me.  if you need it, please go get it. 

i have now been diagnosed with high blood pressure and am on medication. i'm not to worried about it, but my next goal needs to be quitting smoking.  i'm working on my self-esteem, self-confidence, i have lost 22lbs.  through the jenny craig program.  i'm working with my doctor on my depression medication, i feel like i need an increase, but with going on the blood pressure medication he didn't want to change just yet, but it's something i will stay on top of. 

i talked to my counselor about everything wonderful in my life,  4 awesome adult kids, a beautiful grandson, a great profession (which i feel burnt out), financial security, accumulating retirement, great friends and family. weight loss, but......WHY DON'T I FEEL HAPPY, SOMEONE ELSE WOULD LOVE TO HAVE WHAT I HAVE.  she said, "you just want someone to love". i'm not looking, i can't right now.  i have to be a strong person to be in a relationship.  i'm not that person right now.  i want to be strong enough to recognize being manipulated and to put a stop to it right away and not be devastated when that person walks away, i want to feel good that i can take care of myself like that and not worry about someone using me because i'm lonely and want someone in my life.  i have allowed that in the past.  i now know that it's not worth it. it's better to be by myself than let that happen again.

even though i'm not in pain from the break-up and sometimes i'm a bit lonely, there is so much to work on, so much that i have found out about myself that has been going on for years, there is a lot of work to be done. sometimes i'm a bit scared because i'm 50 years old now.  do i have time to do it all and feel really great about myself?  do i have time to become a whole person that can have a normal loving relationship?  will i ever love again?  whatever........ i will remain close to my family and friends, work hard and do the best i can.