chrurop's Journal

Oct. 5th, 2009

I don't know what is wrong with me, perhaps i need to have my anti-depressants increased, which i will explore next month when i go to the doctors.  i want to sit here and weep, weep, weep.  i had a dream about the exbf last night, it was his sister telling me that he was dating a nurse. then all of a sudden he was in the dream lying on the sofa, calling her, she didn't answer, he left a message, i love you, call you later.  it's weird, why after 2 years does this still bother me?  yes, i do love him, i do miss him, but i know he is a selfish alcoholic, who's only concern is himself.  (i'm not saying this bitterly).  i know he gave me what he could in our relationship.  i don't hate him, i think on the relationship with happy thoughts.  i'm not in any pain. 

I have a wonderful life, i have 4 beautiful adult children (not his), a beautiful grandson, great family and friends. i have a great job, a beautiful place to live, a great truck, retirement accumulating, i live in a great neighborhood, belong to the gym, and going to counseling every two weeks. i had my grandson this weekend, we went apple picking, pumpkin picking, on a hay ride. 

I think sometimes because i don't have drama in my life, it's boring, but i learned that lesson a while back, no drama is a good thing, boring can be a good thing.  i guess i do get lonely sometimes, but i have lots of people that i can reach out to.  i'm not dating or looking to date, i have so much work to do on myself.  i still lack self-esteem and self-confidence, but certainly not as bad as it was a couple of years ago.  i have lost 20 lbs. and am trying to stay very motivated.  i don't know, i just needed to come here and vent my thoughts.