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chrurop 
Sept 10, 2009
I can't believe that i sit here with tears in my eyes feeling bad about my break-up that occured 2 years ago. i went to counseling yesterday and i was talking about my ex and how i would love to visit florida to see my friends, but i'm not ready, i don't want to run into him, i know i would fall apart. my counselor said, it might be a good thing to see him in the condition he is in, drunk. i think that is what dredged all this up. because her reason and my reason are different, i would want to go into save him mode, i can see it in my head, oh please come home with me, go into detox and we will live happily ever after. and i don't know how i would react if there were another woman there, i would be very angry that she is not taking care of him, encouraging him to get into detox. WTF!!!!!!!!! i can't fix him, i can only fix me. ok, here come the tears, and i have to tell myself these things and it hurts, he doesn't want me, he doesn't care about me, he doesn't love me, because if he did, he would be here with me. i'm not going to bash myself either that i'm not good enough, because i am damn it. i'm beautiful, outgoing, giving, loving and very caring. i'm a really hard worker. i'm proud of my life. it's his loss of a wonderful woman. ok, there it's out.
i have lost 16 lbs. and 12 1/2 inches. i have been going to jenny craig for 4 weeks now. and also going to the gym. i feel lighter. i got my hair done and it looks great. i looked in the mirror this morning and felt good. i have had 7 days off of work and boy did i need it, i go back tomorrow night. i'm ready. i just have to stay busy and positive. wow, haven't had a melt down in a while, crying done, feels kinda of ok, i feel purged. xoxoxoxoxoxo
Comments
You are the best at looking at the positives in your life... can you teach me?
Giddyagain
It's part of the grieving process Chrurop.....some steps happen repeatedly til you work thru them *passing you tissues and a huge hug!!!!
debbirdo
You are a healer-you want to fix people. But, as you know, we can't always save everyone. deep breaths, be kind to you, and this will pass.
AloneinUtah
He is not your problem to fix. I fear that also, maybe he'll sober up for someone else.
BUT>>>>>>>>you are on your way to healing. There will be days in the valleys, but the ones on the peaks where you can feel the wind in your face and touch the stars are the ones to cherish.
ShootTheMoon
I think I can say that we all go through those melt downs even several years later. When you care deeply for someone and spend the amount of years of your life with them that you have, it is not something that you can just put aside and never feel the sadness again.
The hardest part is caring and loving someone that we can not fix. We have to let them go in order to save ourselves from their demise cus many times, by staying with someone that has these serious addictions and/or issues.
Many times, the tears and emotions that come out unannounced is our body cleansing our soul of some of the bad stuff that is left inside because of the hurt we experienced.
You are right, you are someone worth more then what he can give. Doesn't make it easier for you to get over but as you continue to gain the strength inside and confidence you clearly are, the more you will be able to separate yourself from the hurt while still being able to have love for him and wish him well.
*bear hug*
ChiTownBear
I'm very sorry you felt so sad today. Sending you hugs!
SoakedInTears
its odd..i know i'm better off without him..i havent gotten to the hes done me a favor stage..but the i'm happy and will be ok stage.
but yesterday i had a moment of his life is hell maybe if he knew i was available and happy - who knows?!
then reality hit me - i'm happy and available BECAUSE HES OUT OF MY LIFE!
its just a moment hon...we cant erase our past so we just have to live with the pain that shows up now and then.
love ya
msde
I think if you did see him again drunk it would disgust you! You don't need or want that kind of man in your life, you are so far above that, and deserve so much more, you are one hell of a good person, like me we are too good and we pay for it.
Not fair I know, but he isn't right for you, A drunk can never ever give you what you want or need, and that's the way it is, and your needs and wants count alot, so think of that, you have come so far, encouraged me so much, this will pass for you, I know it will. Love you
rebs3