Journal

OCT. 26, 2009

I DON'T KNOW WHY MY LETTERS ARE SO SMALL.  I'M NOT COMPUTER SAVY ENOUGH TO MAKE THEM BIGGER, SO I'LL USE CAPS AND DOUBLE SPACE.

I'M FEELING SO GREAT TODAY.  I'M CONCENTRATING ON ME AND MAKING MY LIFE AS AWESOME AS I CAN. 

COUNSELING, DOING THE THINGS I LOVE, DS, STAYING CLOSE TO FAMILY AND FRIENDS.  I AM STILL LOSING

WEIGHT, I'M UP TO 25 LBS. I'M REALLY  PROUD OF MYSELF. 

MY AUNT HAS PANCREATIC CANCER AND HAS NOT BEEN DOING WELL, WELL SHE ONLY HAD 3 CHEMO

TREATMENTS AND ACCORDING TO THE CAT SCAN THE CHEMO IS WORKING, THE DISEASE IS NO PROGRESSING

SO THAT WAS TRULY GOOD NEWS.  I'M NOT INNOCENT ENOUGH TO BELIEVE THAT SHE CAN BE CURED,

SHE CAN'T, BUT FOR NOW WE'LL EXCEPT THE GOOD NEWS AND BE GREATFUL FOR IT. 

MY OLDEST SISTER AND I SPENT A COUPLE OF DAYS TOGETHER LAST WEEK, SHE IS PREPARING TO HAVE

A GASTRIC BYPASS IN DEC.  I'M REALLY PROUD OF HER, I'M NOT THRILLED ABOUT DOING IT SURGERY

STYLE, BUT I WON'T TELL HER THAT, I'LL SUPPORT HER ALL THE WAY.  THE DAYS WE SPENT GOING BACK

AND FORTH TO THE HOSPITAL, BUT THE TIME TOGETHER WAS SO WONDERFUL.  FAMILY IS SO VERY

IMPORTANT.    I'M COOKING THANKSGIVING DINNER THIS YEAR, HAVE NOT DONE THAT IN MANY YEARS,

I'M ACTUALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO IT, MY DAUGHTER AND HER HUSBAND ARE ALSO GOING TO HAVE

DINNER WITH MY YOUNGEST SON AND I.  I'LL ALSO INVITE MY TWO OTHER SONS.  IT WOULD BE TOTALLY

AWESOME IF ALL OF THEM CAME, BUT I UNDERSTAND IF THEY HAVE OTHER PLANS.   I WAS AWAY FROM

MY KIDS FOR ALMOST 8 YEARS.  I KNOW I ALREADY MENTIONED IT, BUT, FAMILY IS SO IMPORTANT. 

I'M AT A REALLY GOOD PLACE IN MY LIFE,  I'M DOING IT, I'M NOT COUNTING ON ANYONE BUT ME.  I'M MAKING

IT WORK.  PERHAPS SOME DAY IN MY FUTURE I'LL MEET A NICE PARTNER TO SPEND SOME OF MY LIFE WITH

BUT, RIGHT NOW, I'M HAPPY WITH WHERE I  AM AND WHERE I'M GOING.  I'M LEARNING TO LOVE MYSELF AND

REALLY LEARNING TO LOVE WHO I AM.    MY HEART IS BURSTING TODAY WITH LOVE AND PRIDE.  FOR ANYONE

WHO READS THIS, IT GETS BETTER AND BETTER ONCE YOU START CONCENTRATING ON YOU.  I LOVE THIS

PLACE.     XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Oct. 9, 2009

I want to say to anyone who reads this that i'm in counseling and i go every 2 weeks.  sometimes i don't have much to say, especially when things are going well.  then there are times i just vent, i don't need her to say much.  we share my triumphs.  it's good to talk to someone to guide me, encourage me, support me.  if you need it, please go get it. 

i have now been diagnosed with high blood pressure and am on medication. i'm not to worried about it, but my next goal needs to be quitting smoking.  i'm working on my self-esteem, self-confidence, i have lost 22lbs.  through the jenny craig program.  i'm working with my doctor on my depression medication, i feel like i need an increase, but with going on the blood pressure medication he didn't want to change just yet, but it's something i will stay on top of. 

i talked to my counselor about everything wonderful in my life,  4 awesome adult kids, a beautiful grandson, a great profession (which i feel burnt out), financial security, accumulating retirement, great friends and family. weight loss, but......WHY DON'T I FEEL HAPPY, SOMEONE ELSE WOULD LOVE TO HAVE WHAT I HAVE.  she said, "you just want someone to love". i'm not looking, i can't right now.  i have to be a strong person to be in a relationship.  i'm not that person right now.  i want to be strong enough to recognize being manipulated and to put a stop to it right away and not be devastated when that person walks away, i want to feel good that i can take care of myself like that and not worry about someone using me because i'm lonely and want someone in my life.  i have allowed that in the past.  i now know that it's not worth it. it's better to be by myself than let that happen again.

even though i'm not in pain from the break-up and sometimes i'm a bit lonely, there is so much to work on, so much that i have found out about myself that has been going on for years, there is a lot of work to be done. sometimes i'm a bit scared because i'm 50 years old now.  do i have time to do it all and feel really great about myself?  do i have time to become a whole person that can have a normal loving relationship?  will i ever love again?  whatever........ i will remain close to my family and friends, work hard and do the best i can.

Oct. 5th, 2009

I don't know what is wrong with me, perhaps i need to have my anti-depressants increased, which i will explore next month when i go to the doctors.  i want to sit here and weep, weep, weep.  i had a dream about the exbf last night, it was his sister telling me that he was dating a nurse. then all of a sudden he was in the dream lying on the sofa, calling her, she didn't answer, he left a message, i love you, call you later.  it's weird, why after 2 years does this still bother me?  yes, i do love him, i do miss him, but i know he is a selfish alcoholic, who's only concern is himself.  (i'm not saying this bitterly).  i know he gave me what he could in our relationship.  i don't hate him, i think on the relationship with happy thoughts.  i'm not in any pain. 

I have a wonderful life, i have 4 beautiful adult children (not his), a beautiful grandson, great family and friends. i have a great job, a beautiful place to live, a great truck, retirement accumulating, i live in a great neighborhood, belong to the gym, and going to counseling every two weeks. i had my grandson this weekend, we went apple picking, pumpkin picking, on a hay ride. 

I think sometimes because i don't have drama in my life, it's boring, but i learned that lesson a while back, no drama is a good thing, boring can be a good thing.  i guess i do get lonely sometimes, but i have lots of people that i can reach out to.  i'm not dating or looking to date, i have so much work to do on myself.  i still lack self-esteem and self-confidence, but certainly not as bad as it was a couple of years ago.  i have lost 20 lbs. and am trying to stay very motivated.  i don't know, i just needed to come here and vent my thoughts.