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persimmon 
8:33pm, November 27, 2008
The truth is, I'm not a good person. I've been fighting this for years but I can't
fight it anymore. This is who I am. I don't understand why, but there you have it.
I don't really want to shut down, I want to keep on living my life. Because
most of my life consists of entertaining myself one way or the other. And
I like that. But I also know that I'm a risk to other people. But I almost
don't care. It's those stupid people's fault for hanging out with me.
Only problem is, instead of living my life I seem to be sitting on the couch.
For hours and hours. I don't like myself. I was barely motivated to do anything
even before all this crap started. I really need to go to work today;
I sure hope that I go. Need to do some work. Have a deadline tomorrow.
Tomorrow will be very stressful if I don't go today. 1:30 PM and still on the couch.
My life isn't bad. I'm very lucky. I just made myself lunch. Plenty of food
to eat. Can't complain. I haven't been fired yet even though there are so many
reasons to fire me. It's not right that I've been given so much but in
return I think and do poisonous things. Or nothing.
I like my apartment, but I love to imagine getting a new apartment. Where
would it be? What would my commute be like? (hehe, as if I go to work
regularly.) And I plan vacations. I'm always planning hypothetical vacations.
How many days? Where would I stay? What are the pros and cons of
this place over that place?
Basically, I want to be anywhere other than here, as if that would help.
I'm self-centered, and I know that. I always have been. Interested in Me.
Even when I'm doing nothing, I obsess about how I'm doing nothing.
It would be nice if I would actually do something for someone else,
but I just can't motivate myself to do it. I get stuck. Always stuck.
Well, writing about myself here is probably the most self-centered
thing I can do, so I'm going to stop. The world does not revolve
around me, and there are a lot of people with bigger problems.
Thanks for reading, bye.
