Journal

I am writing this journal entry hoping that it will help other people.

I now realize I had OCD all my life, but things really began to fall apart for me

in 2005. I started having these horrible thoughts, and I was terrified that I was becoming a psychopath. I had to keep checking things, like whether the door was locked, or if I made a mistake in my work. But it was the fear that I was a psychopath that really made life unbearable.

I would wake up in a panic, hyperventilating as I realized I was still alive and still had these horrible thoughts. I cried a lot. I knew something was horribly wrong with me, so going to see someone about it was not a hard sell. Despite my extremely vague description of what was wrong with me, I got a diagnosis of OCD and panic right away. I was put on Zoloft.

With the zoloft was a little pamphlet by Pfizer on anxiety disorders. I learned that one of the symptoms of OCD was horrible thoughts. I was afraid to learn more about OCD,

because I was worried I would learn I didn't have it. So I kept taking the zoloft and living in a panic. 

Going through the day was still a struggle, but my panic level did seem to go down a little. I moved, I got a new doctor and therapist, and the new doctor put me on Celexa. The new therapist realized I had developed tons of compulsions. I had no idea they were compulsions, to me anything that reduced the panic was a good thing. I finally had the courage to read about OCD and I learned that my whole life would have to change. My new therapist started me on exposure and response prevention (ERP).

I tried ERP three times. Each time, I couldn't handle it, and I would stop. The last time, I became dangerously suicidal. I know that ERP is very effective for some people but

for me it woud cause panic that would push me over the brink.

That last time, I was in such a bad state that I couldn't work or take care of myself. I moved in with my parents. I switched to Paxil. My parents weren't therapists but they knew a person should be able to go to a mall or drive a car (both things I couldn't do, it would cause too much panic). So they started taking me out to things. It was ERP, but slow and family-style. I was never left alone somewhere. Finally I started to make some progress.

At this point I realized that the Paxil was really helping; it was the reason I could

tolerate the mild ERP. I kept getting better and soon I was back in my own place and even back at work! My therapist wanted to keep going on the rungs of the exposure ladder though, and I still just couldn't deal with it.

Then I discovered something new (to me): cognitive therapy for OCD. I learned that I had cognitive distortions which caused me incredible pain, like Overimportance of Thoughts and Overestimation of Danger. I learned that I needed to tolerate Uncertainty. I felt like I was finally gaining control of my life, by being able to recognize why I would go into such a total panic.    

Now I could really let the compulsions and avoidance go. I was happy again!!

So happy in fact, that my husband and I decided to try to have a baby. I switched

from Paxil to Prozac, and I went to a new therapist who specialized in cognitive therapy. Finally I felt like I was gaining skills to handle and reduce my panic on my own, without resorting to compulsions or avoidance.

Prozac is definitely the best medication for me. I basically don't panic anymore. I still get distressed by horrible thoughts (they don't really go away), but the distress level is low enough that I can use the skills I gained in therapy.

I still have bad days, but I feel like my story is a success story.

When I read stories about how antidepressants are just placebos, I get really angry.

That hasn't been my experience. For some reason, Zoloft and Celexa did not work for me at all. So much for Placebo. Only when I switched to Paxil could I calm down enough to give exposure and cognitive therapy a chance. Prozac is even better for me. 

For me, meds and therapy work together. I can get generic Prozac at Target for $4,

so I don't think I am a pawn in Big Pharma's game. I actually spend a lot more on cognitive therapy, but it is worth it.

It's still a struggle. Some days I am so distressed by horrible thoughts or by the fear that I've already hurt someone that I consider suicide again. But now I see those suicidal thoughts as just thoughts, that are caused by cognitive distortions of Emphasizing the Negative. I get out of bed anyway. I go about my day anyway.  

But I couldn't do it without meds and therapy. I have tried a bunch of meds, a bunch of psychiatrists, and a bunch of therapists before finding the right fit for me. 

So my message is:

1. Keep trying! You can feel better!

2. It would be great if everyone had access to the care that I have access to (health care reform please!)

3. Don't listen to people who put you down for taking meds or seeing a therapist. 

The sadness is back, and I don't know why. I did something that I shouldn't have done, but it was so minor. But for some reason, I can't let it go. I feel miserable. I just want to go home and go to sleep. I want to rest.

I feel, maybe that if I'm such a bad person that I don't deserve to ever start a family someday. And that breaks my heart. I feel stuck. 

The truth is, I'm not a good person. I've been fighting this for years but I can't

fight it anymore. This is who I am. I don't understand why, but there you have it. 

I don't really want to shut down, I want to keep on living my life. Because

most of my life consists of entertaining myself one way or the other. And

I like that. But I also know that I'm a risk to other people. But I almost

don't care. It's those stupid people's fault for hanging out with me. 

Only problem is, instead of living my life I seem to be sitting on the couch.

For hours and hours. I don't like myself. I was barely motivated to do anything

even before all this crap started. I really need to go to work today;

I sure hope that I go. Need to do some work. Have a deadline tomorrow.

Tomorrow will be very stressful if I don't go today. 1:30 PM and still on the couch. 

My life isn't bad. I'm very lucky. I just made myself lunch. Plenty of food

to eat. Can't complain. I haven't been fired yet even though there are so many

reasons to fire me. It's not right that I've been given so much but in

return I think and do poisonous things. Or nothing.

I like my apartment, but I love to imagine getting a new apartment. Where

would it be? What would my commute be like? (hehe, as if I go to work

regularly.) And I plan vacations. I'm always planning hypothetical vacations.

How many days? Where would I stay? What are the pros and cons of

this place over that place?

Basically, I want to be anywhere other than here, as if that would help.

I'm self-centered, and I know that. I always have been. Interested in Me.

Even when I'm doing nothing, I obsess about how I'm doing nothing.

It would be nice if I would actually do something for someone else,

but I just can't motivate myself to do it. I get stuck. Always stuck.

Well, writing about myself here is probably the most self-centered

thing I can do, so I'm going to stop. The world does not revolve

around me, and there are a lot of people with bigger problems.

Thanks for reading, bye.