Journal

Where did summer go???  I was feeling so good! Alas, not any more.  I've been back at work for three weeks and the usual crap has started.  Pain is much worse, started having to take the pain medication again, side effects and guilt from taking pain meds, lack of sleep cause of the stiffness and pain, tears, more tears lol.  When does it end?  I was doing so well, but the amount of pain has hit me so badly and I'm panicking, thinking "how the hell am I going to make it through this year?".  I've also started the "I should be doing much more at work/home/with the kids'' speel so I'm feeling like crap all round really.  Why don't I learn?  How can I beat this and not get so damn upset about it - I'm causing misery around the household cause I'm an emotional wreck again.  I want to have a smoke sooooo badly, but it's been nearly a month smoke free now and I think this is adding to the stress this weekend.  When I've been like this before I've gone to have a cigarette to help calm down.  Now what can I do???  Wow, what a pity party I'm having, I just can't believe that my state of mind can change so fast.  Life is so friggin unfair.  I feel so alone, I'm a shit friend cause I'm not there making the effort for my friends, I feel like I'm the only one going through this again.  No one here seems to understand, and if they do then I think they are just over the whole fm thing.  It's had it's time, so it's now time to suck it up and get on with it eh? 

My family don't know the meaning of cleaning up after themselves and I've driven myself crazy trying to get them to show some responsibility for their stuff and what they use.  All I'm doing is nagging all day and getting angry cause I'm in so much bloody pain and I'm the one doing the cleaning.  I'm not saying that my husband doesn't do other stuff to help, cause he does, but he's a messy shit who doesn't understand how this lack of cleaning up after himself increases my stress and helpless feeling, makes me more teary and doesn't help anyone - especially the kids, who don't help either.  And why should they?  Their father doesn't exactly set an example...

Rant rant rant - I feel minutely better for writing in this journal.  I'd forgotten the benefits of keeping journals up to date.  Hopefully some of you will understand how I'm feeling. *sniff* pain pain everywhere - in my joints, in my muscles, my eyes are sore, my fingers and tendons hurt, my knees have hot pain, my back is excrutiatingly stiff and sore, I'm sensitive to the loud noises, smells and all that jazz.  Bloody hell, I'm moaning too much, I'll stop now....