butterflyarden's Journal

THE WAY I THOUGHT MY LIFE WOULD ALWAYS BE

I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT KILLING MYSELF .IT JUST BECAME A CONDITION. ONE MINUTE I WAS FINE AND THE NEXT MINUTE IT WAS JUST TO MUCH TO HANDLE. WHEN EVER SOMEONE TALK ABOUT SUICIDE, I WOULD THINK TO MYSELF "WHY WOULD SOMEONE WANT TO DO SOMETHING SO FINAL SO STUPID. LITTLE DID I KNOW I WOULD SOON BECOME ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.

BUT FOR ME I JUST WANTED THE PAIN TO STOP . THE INTENSITY OF MY PAIN SCARED ME. I FELT ALL ALONE. THE ONLY THING THERE WERE THE VOICES IN MY HEAD TELLING ME THAT I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE. AT THAT MOMENT WHEN I TRIED TO COMMITTED SUICIDE THE ONLY THING I WAS THINKING ABOUT WAS THE THE PAIN WOULD SOON BE OVER. BUT IT WAS JUST THE BEGINING . IT WAS A WHOLE NEW KID OF PAIN THAT I FELT. EMOTIONALLY , I WAS MORE SCARED THAN I HAD EVER BEEN . I REALIZED AT THAT MOMENT THAT I WAS GOING TO DIE AND THAT WOULD BE THE END. BUT LUCKILY FOR ME, I DID NOT DIE . GOD HAD SAVED ME.

I KEPT ASKING MYSELF WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME ? EMOTIONALLY I WAS SO SCREWED UP IN THE HEAD I COULD NOT THINK FOR MYSELF. FOR ME , I COULDN'T FEEL EVERYONES ELSE'S LOVE BECAUSE I HAD FORGOTTEN HOW TO LOVE MY SELF. MY PAST WAS FINALLY CAUGHTING UP TO ME AND I HAD NO IDEAL HOW TO DEAL WITH IT. AND I THOUGHT SUICIDE WAS THE ONLY WAY OUT, I SCARED MYSELF , BUT I DIDN'T DIE AND I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO TELL YOU HOW HAPPY I AM ABOUT THAT.

OVER TIME I WAS ABLE TO BUILD UP MY CONFIDENCE. AND I WAS ABLE TO START FORGIVING MYSELF. LIFE GETS HARD SOMETIMES AND REALLY PAINFUL BUT I HAVE TO REMIND MYSELF PAIN DOES GO AWAY , AND HAPPINESS IS THE OTHER SIDE. ALTHOUGH THE PAIN COMES BACK , SO DOES HAPPINESS. IT LIKE WAVES IN THE OCEAN COMING AND GOING.....COMING AND GOING.......BREATHING IN AND BREATHING OUT.

NOW I LOOK AT IT AS I AM A SURVIVOR OF DEPRESSION AND SUICIDAL IMPULSES. I'VE STRUGGLED WITH THIS FOR MANY YEARS. AND IF I HADN'T HAD SOMEONE WHO REACHED OUT TO HELP ME I WOULD NOT BE HERE. I HAVE LEAARNED YOU GAIN STRENGTH, COURAGE AND CONFIDENCE BY EVERY EXPERIENCEBY WHICH YOU REALLY STOP TO LOOK FEAR IN THE FACE. YOU ARE ABLE TO SAY TO YOURSELF " I LIVED THROUGH THIS HORROR. I CAN TAKE THE NEXT THING THAT COMES ALONG. BECAUSE IN THE DARKEST HOUR THE SOUL IS REPLENISHED AND GIVEN STRENGTH TO CONTINUE AND ENDURE.

IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW

I WOULD LISTEN MORE CAREFULLY TO WHAT MY HEART SAYS

I WOULD ENJOY MORE AND WORRY LESS

I WOULDN'T WORRY SO MUCH ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE ARE THINKING

I WOULD APPRECIATE LIFE TO THE FULLIEST

I WOULD KNOW THAT MY BEAUTY IS IN MY LIFE

I WOULD ENJOY THE FEELING OF BEING IN LOVE

AND NOT WORRY SO MUCH ABOUT HOW IT WILL WORK OUT

I WOULD LOOK FOR THE GOOD QUALITIES IN EVERYONE AND ENJOY THEM FOR THOSE

I WOULD ENJOY MY BODY JUST THE WAY IT IS

I WOULD LEARN TO TRUST AND NOT HARDEN MY HEART

I WOULD BE MORE APPRECIATIVE AND GREATFUL FOR SURE

I WOULD NEVER TAKE LIFE FOR GRANTED

I WOULD LOVE MYSELF FOR WHO I AM

I WOULD TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME

I WOULD TAKE TIME TO DISCOVER WHO IAM

I WOULD STRIVE TO BE HONEST, RESPECTFUL AND HAPPY

TO KNOW THAT WHEN I AM AT PEACE WITH MYSELF

EVERYTHING ELSE WILL FALL INTO PLACE

I WOULDN'T WRAP MY IDENITY IN POSSESSIONS

I WOULD REMEMBER ALWAY THAT I AM NOT ALONE

I HAVE MY FAMILY, FRIENDS , MY GUARDIAN ANGEL, AND GOD

I WOULD PROCRASTINATED LESS

BUT KEEP IN MIND THERE IS A SEASON FOR EVERYTHING

I WOULD TAKE TIME TO REST TO ENJOY THE MIRACLES OF LIFE

I WOULD THANK GOD MORE OFTEN

I WOULD REMEMBER THAT THE SIMPLEST ACT OF KINDNESS

CAN MAKE AN ENORMOUS DIFFERENCE

I WOULD TRY TO EXCEPT THE THINGS I CAN NOT CHANGE

I WOULD REMEMBER TO BELIEVE IN MYSELF