Journal

YOU'RE PASSION WAS A LIE

YOUR HEART HAD ME FOOLED

YOU TOLD ME THINGS I WANTED TO HEAR

TO MAKE ME BELIEVE IN YOU

YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU LOVED ME

 THAT I WAS YOUR WORLD

YOU TOLD ME I SAVED YOUR LIFE

THAT WAS THE ONLY REASON YOU WERE HERE

YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CHANGED

BUT THAT WAS ALL A LIE

YOU GAVE ME HOPE

THAT I WOULD BE LOVED FOR EVER

UNTIL THE END OF TIME

 ALLS YOU DO IS CHEAT AND LIE

 BRING ME TO THE GROUND

YOU TOOK MY HEART AWAY

 LEFT ME EMPTY DEEP INSIDE

 NOW SORROW IS WHAT I FOUND

IT HARD FOR ME TO UNDERSTAND

THIS PERSON YOU BECAME

YOU SAY I LOCK IN A CAGE

 THAT JUST IS A GAME YOU PLAY

THE GAME YOU PLAY ALL ALONG

YOU WANT THE WORLD TO REVOLE AROUND

YOU SEE NOTHING WRONG

NOBODY ELES FEELINGS MATTER

IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT YOU

MISTER RIGHT NEVER WRONG

YOU WONDER WHY YOU'RE LEFT

AND NOBODY SEEMS TO CARE

WELL IT'S YOUR ACTION THAT TAKE YOU THERE

YOU FEEL SORRY FOR YOUR SELF

 BLAME OTHERS FOR WHAT YOU DONE

YOU CAN'T TAKE RESPONSIBILITY

FOR ANY THING YOU'VE DONE

BLAMING IS YOUR GAME 

 THATS HOW IT'S BEEN ALL ALONG

YOU THINK THAT YOUR NOT CHEATING

BY LUSTING IN YOUR MIND

YOU TELL OTHER WOMAN YOU LOVE THEM

YOU TELL THEM THAT YOU CARE

YOU TELL THEM THAT YOU ALWAYS BE THERE

I REMEBER WHEN YOU TOLD  THOSE WORDS TO ME

AND I BELIEVE THEM TO BE TRUE

AND KNOW YOUR SHARING YOUR SELF WITH ANOTHER

LEAVING ME TO BE NUMBER TWO

YES YOU HAVEN'T SLEPT WITH THEM

AND THAT I UNDERSTAND

BUT YOU MYES WELL HAVE

BECAUSE IN YOUR MIND YOU ALREADY HAVE

YOU SEND THEM NAKE PICTURES

AND THEY DO THE SAME

JUST SO YOU CAN GET OFF

WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT ME

WILL HAVE TO FINISH LATER

I GOT APPROVED FOR MY BACK SURGERY I AM SO HAPPY ALL THIS WAITING PAID OFF. NOW I HAVE TO GO SEE AN OBGYN FOR A CYST ON MY OVARY AND I HAVE TO GO SEE AN ENDOCARNOLOST FOR MY PROLATIN LEVELS BEING ELIVATED . THEN I ALSO HAVE TO GO SEE A FOOT DOCTOR FOR SOME TROUBLES I AM HAVING WITH MY HEEL. YES YOU CAN SAY I AM ONE FUCK UP PERSON. BUT I KNOW THAT GOD WILL HANDLE ALL MY PROBLEMS AND I WILL BE FIX ONCE AGAIN. MAYBE AFTER ALL THIS WAITING TO HAVE A BABY JUST MAYBE WHEN I GO TO THE DOCTOR THAT I WILL GET SOME ANSWER AND WE CAN TAKE MEDS TO FIX MY BROKEN ASS. I HOPE THIS DOCTOR WILL DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT . I STILL WANT TO HAVE A BABY REALLY BAD. AND I WANT ROBERT TO BE A DADDY AGAIN . OH I HOPE AND PRAY THINGS WORK OUT.

AS FOR ME A ROB ARE MARRIAGE WAS ON THE ROCKS FOR A LITTLE WHILE . I REALLY THOUGHT WE WERE NOT GOING TO MAKE IT. I WILL SO READY TO JUST GIVE UP. BUT SOMETHING ABOUT HIM JUST PULLS ME RIGHT BACK INTO LOVE WITH HIM. EVEN THOUGH I GET MAD AT HIM I CAN'T STAY MAD AT HIM FOR TO LONG. HE IS JUST TO DAMM CUTE. BUT HE CAN BE A PAIN IN MY ASS SOMETIMES AND A MEAN ONE AT THAT. I HAVE REALIZED WE HAVE A COMMUNICATION PROBLEM. NEITHER ONE OF US KNOW HOW TO TALK TO EACH OTHER WHEN WE HAVE A PROBLEM IN OUR RELATIONSHIP. STILL DON'T AGREE WITH WHAT HE IS DOING ON THIS SITE BUT I AM TRYING MY BEST TO LOOK PAST ALL THAT AND JUST MOVE ON. LIKE HE SAY IT MEANS NOTHING TO HIM IT'S JUST ENTERTAINMENT AND THAT IS IT. I GUESS I CAN HANDLE THAT WELL FOR KNOW I CAN. I AM NOT SURE WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS BUT I CAN ONLY HOPE THAT ME AND ROBERT WILL STAY TOGETHER UNTIL ONE OF US DIES OR WE GET RAPTURED. I DO LOVE ME SOME ROB AND I THINK NO MATTER WHAT HAPPEN I ALWAYS WILL. 

OTHER THEN THAT LIFE IS GOOD AND I AM HAPPY . FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE I FEEL LIKE I AM GETTING SOME WHERE. I CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE MY BACK SURGERY SO I CAN GO BACK TO WORK AS A MEDICAL ASSISTANT. I HATE THIS TWICE A WEEK BULL SHIT AND THIS JOB SUCKS ASS. I HURT SO BAD AFTER I GET OFF BUT IT'S MONEY AND EVERY LITTLE BITE HELPS.  BUT BOY AM I GLAD THAT I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE . IT A DEAD END JOB THAT WILL NEVER GO ANY FURTHER THAN WHAT I AM DOING KNOW. THE ONLY THING I AM WORRIED ABOUT IS THE COMPANY IS GOING TO MOVING TO ARKANSA IN AUGUST OR SEPTEMBER AND WE ARE NO SURE IF ROB WILL EVEN HAVE A JOB . GOD I HOPE SO CAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE WILL DO THEN WE WILL BE SCREWED . AGAIN THIS IS SOMETHING THAT I NEED TO LEAVE IN GODS HAND AND MY HUSBANDS HANDS TO WORK THIS OUT .

I AM SO GLAD FOR A VERY SPECIAL FRIEND ON HERE THAT HELPS ME TALK MY PROBLEMS OUT I JUST WANT TO GIVE A SHOUT OUT TO MY GIRL JENNY THANK YOU SO MUCH HUNNY FOR BEING THERE FOR ME WHEN I NEED SOMEONE THE MOST. YOU ARE A WONDERFUL PERSON AND A SWEAT HEART . LOVE YOU

THE WAY I THOUGHT MY LIFE WOULD ALWAYS BE

I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT KILLING MYSELF .IT JUST BECAME A CONDITION. ONE MINUTE I WAS FINE AND THE NEXT MINUTE IT WAS JUST TO MUCH TO HANDLE. WHEN EVER SOMEONE TALK ABOUT SUICIDE, I WOULD THINK TO MYSELF "WHY WOULD SOMEONE WANT TO DO SOMETHING SO FINAL SO STUPID. LITTLE DID I KNOW I WOULD SOON BECOME ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.

BUT FOR ME I JUST WANTED THE PAIN TO STOP . THE INTENSITY OF MY PAIN SCARED ME. I FELT ALL ALONE. THE ONLY THING THERE WERE THE VOICES IN MY HEAD TELLING ME THAT I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE. AT THAT MOMENT WHEN I TRIED TO COMMITTED SUICIDE THE ONLY THING I WAS THINKING ABOUT WAS THE THE PAIN WOULD SOON BE OVER. BUT IT WAS JUST THE BEGINING . IT WAS A WHOLE NEW KID OF PAIN THAT I FELT. EMOTIONALLY , I WAS MORE SCARED THAN I HAD EVER BEEN . I REALIZED AT THAT MOMENT THAT I WAS GOING TO DIE AND THAT WOULD BE THE END. BUT LUCKILY FOR ME, I DID NOT DIE . GOD HAD SAVED ME.

I KEPT ASKING MYSELF WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME ? EMOTIONALLY I WAS SO SCREWED UP IN THE HEAD I COULD NOT THINK FOR MYSELF. FOR ME , I COULDN'T FEEL EVERYONES ELSE'S LOVE BECAUSE I HAD FORGOTTEN HOW TO LOVE MY SELF. MY PAST WAS FINALLY CAUGHTING UP TO ME AND I HAD NO IDEAL HOW TO DEAL WITH IT. AND I THOUGHT SUICIDE WAS THE ONLY WAY OUT, I SCARED MYSELF , BUT I DIDN'T DIE AND I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO TELL YOU HOW HAPPY I AM ABOUT THAT.

OVER TIME I WAS ABLE TO BUILD UP MY CONFIDENCE. AND I WAS ABLE TO START FORGIVING MYSELF. LIFE GETS HARD SOMETIMES AND REALLY PAINFUL BUT I HAVE TO REMIND MYSELF PAIN DOES GO AWAY , AND HAPPINESS IS THE OTHER SIDE. ALTHOUGH THE PAIN COMES BACK , SO DOES HAPPINESS. IT LIKE WAVES IN THE OCEAN COMING AND GOING.....COMING AND GOING.......BREATHING IN AND BREATHING OUT.

NOW I LOOK AT IT AS I AM A SURVIVOR OF DEPRESSION AND SUICIDAL IMPULSES. I'VE STRUGGLED WITH THIS FOR MANY YEARS. AND IF I HADN'T HAD SOMEONE WHO REACHED OUT TO HELP ME I WOULD NOT BE HERE. I HAVE LEAARNED YOU GAIN STRENGTH, COURAGE AND CONFIDENCE BY EVERY EXPERIENCEBY WHICH YOU REALLY STOP TO LOOK FEAR IN THE FACE. YOU ARE ABLE TO SAY TO YOURSELF " I LIVED THROUGH THIS HORROR. I CAN TAKE THE NEXT THING THAT COMES ALONG. BECAUSE IN THE DARKEST HOUR THE SOUL IS REPLENISHED AND GIVEN STRENGTH TO CONTINUE AND ENDURE.

IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW

I WOULD LISTEN MORE CAREFULLY TO WHAT MY HEART SAYS

I WOULD ENJOY MORE AND WORRY LESS

I WOULDN'T WORRY SO MUCH ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE ARE THINKING

I WOULD APPRECIATE LIFE TO THE FULLIEST

I WOULD KNOW THAT MY BEAUTY IS IN MY LIFE

I WOULD ENJOY THE FEELING OF BEING IN LOVE

AND NOT WORRY SO MUCH ABOUT HOW IT WILL WORK OUT

I WOULD LOOK FOR THE GOOD QUALITIES IN EVERYONE AND ENJOY THEM FOR THOSE

I WOULD ENJOY MY BODY JUST THE WAY IT IS

I WOULD LEARN TO TRUST AND NOT HARDEN MY HEART

I WOULD BE MORE APPRECIATIVE AND GREATFUL FOR SURE

I WOULD NEVER TAKE LIFE FOR GRANTED

I WOULD LOVE MYSELF FOR WHO I AM

I WOULD TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME

I WOULD TAKE TIME TO DISCOVER WHO IAM

I WOULD STRIVE TO BE HONEST, RESPECTFUL AND HAPPY

TO KNOW THAT WHEN I AM AT PEACE WITH MYSELF

EVERYTHING ELSE WILL FALL INTO PLACE

I WOULDN'T WRAP MY IDENITY IN POSSESSIONS

I WOULD REMEMBER ALWAY THAT I AM NOT ALONE

I HAVE MY FAMILY, FRIENDS , MY GUARDIAN ANGEL, AND GOD

I WOULD PROCRASTINATED LESS

BUT KEEP IN MIND THERE IS A SEASON FOR EVERYTHING

I WOULD TAKE TIME TO REST TO ENJOY THE MIRACLES OF LIFE

I WOULD THANK GOD MORE OFTEN

I WOULD REMEMBER THAT THE SIMPLEST ACT OF KINDNESS

CAN MAKE AN ENORMOUS DIFFERENCE

I WOULD TRY TO EXCEPT THE THINGS I CAN NOT CHANGE

I WOULD REMEMBER TO BELIEVE IN MYSELF