tristesses's Journal

 Sorrows of the mind and heart. I apologize for not being on that much these last few months. You are all good people. I will always thank you for the help offered to me in my down turns.

 I wait for the answer's to come to me, i know i am sliding down hill again, but this time it is different. Its almost a calm natural state. I am sure of myself. I hide my pain in plain site. I wear this mask i have prefected over time. To those that know me in real life, they dont have a clue. I am surprised how reliefed i feel, like a curse is being lifted. I know they idea's running around my head are lies of my illness, but there is a comfort in hearing them. I feel at peace, saddness and joy at the same time. The inner conflict, and the self inflicted guilt brings me peace. I know what should have been done, and what needs to be done.

 I feel no attachments to family or friends. No loyality to anyone other than myself and my desire. I know what would be said if it came to light, and who would say what about the way i feel. I have been on this road a long time with no end in sight. I feel like i found a short cut, to put an end to this journy that is taking me no where.  There is a morbid sense that the trip is almost over. No more rest stops to slow me down, pass go and collect my reward.

 Wicked i am, but free to choice. No more side roads.