LilyMaid's Journal

After that whole horrible day in which I did math I went to Ophelia's house for two nights. She picked me up after her classes on Monday and we travelled to Wal-Mart before going to her home in another town. I had her pick out two different colors of yarn (she chose purple and red). I'm making her a blanket and I'm going to give it to her as a Christmas present along with some chocolates. She doesn't know that part though :)

It was a weird night for me. We got deep into discussion and I got drunk. My inhibitions were down and I told her everything that I've always held back from her... on serious matters. I showed her all of my emotions from angry, to frustrated, to sad and lovey-dovey. It was a very stupid night for me because I got too drunk again. I'm pissed off that I keep allowing myself to drink too much. Ophelia stepped out of the room for a while for a phone call and I decided that while she was out I was going to drink a lot. I drank half a tall bottle of vodka in half an hour. BAD IDEA! I got sick like five times that night and I couldn't hold down even water on Tuesday.

I'd finished all my math homework on Monday and turned it and my Sociology homework into the faculty desk at school before leaving that night. So on Tuesday we were able to stay home (Ophelia's). I didn't want to come to classes and it was Ophelia's day off (from work and school). She got called into work though and so I ended up staying behind at her place by myself. I guess I didn't mind that much. I just crocheted and cleaned the house... or what I could do anyway. That night Ophelia made us dinner and I watched Orphan while she was doing some stuff. That is one scary movie and I loved it! It had me going up until the very end!

Wednesday morning we woke up and came back to my town.  

These last two weeks I've felt severely inadequate as a friend, as a daughter, as a student and just as a person all the way around. I never know how to just have fun and quit being serious. I am still living with my parents and dependent on them. I have been lazy with my schoolwork for the last two weeks and fell behind. I still have a little catching up to do. And then, I am so flawed that it seems like it may take me forever to ever get anything right enough. So anyways, two days ago when I came back to town, I wrote in blue permanent marker "Inadequate?!" on my hand and yesterday when I went into therapy with Aaron, he put the word Adequate on my right hand. My challenge this week is to keep it written on my hand and I already failed. Last night I erased both words on my hands with lots of soap and water. This morning I was feeling bad for that though and rewrote the word on my left hand in pen. Adequate; not inadequate. I am supposed to think of the fact that I am adequate for the next two weeks while Aaron goes out of town. I really don't know if I can do it. We'll see...

I took my 2nd math test yesterday and I'm not completely sure that I did good, though I feel that I did better than I thought I would.

I think between being sick all last week and being drunk and not being able to eat much this week that my stomach has shrunk and I know that I've lost some weight. I don't eat much these days and when I do it is pretty healthy. I can only hope that I continue to lose some fabulous weight LOL :)

Tonight I'm finally getting over to my sister Roberta's house. I'll be staying over just tonight I think :) Anyway, I've made some real progress in aspects of my life this year that I don't think I've talked about yet. #1 I ran into Tabatha twice this Fall and it was weird for me. She gave me her phone number twice and I didn't know how I would react to that. Ophelia said that my face and my body language did not look good after the second time of seeing Tabatha, because we were hanging out that day doing schoolwork. I have decided not to call her. Not because she raped me when we were younger and I suddenly remembered when I was 20. Not because she used to be a drug addict and in and out of jail. But because I don't feel that it's right for me to carry on a friendship with her if I'm only ever going to see her as the person she used to be. She's changed and so have I and I'm not sure that we have anything in common anymore. #2 Jackie has been emailing me and asking me for Amy's phone number. She disowned me when I was young and we stopped talking for a bit and then when she wants something now she has my address. I told her I never wanted to talk to her again unless she'd changed from the evil, mean and using person that she is now. She hasn't changed. She just writes when she wants to use me and so I didn't reply to her emails. I talked with Amy on the phone like a week ago and told her what Jackie was doing and Amy told me that I don't have to tell Jackie anything on her behalf. So I've just deleted her emails and Jackie's sister Frannie contacted me yesterday, I think, and said that Jackie asked if I'd gotten her emails. I told her that I had but that I'm not replying. Not long after that Frannie stopped talking with me so I know that she just contacted me because Jackie asked her to get that information from me. I'm not going to be used anymore. It's not worth it to me; it just hurts me.

So I'm learning how to let go of people who use me, to accept those beliefs and people that I don't understand and working on myself continuously in therapy. I am very proud of that fact.