LilyMaid's Journal

This world is full of intolerance and I didn't mean to add to it. Since about the age of 16 I've been searching for the truth. Since my mom and I moved to Oregon in 2007 and I started coming here to this site I have worked on myself and expanding my compassion, forgiveness and love. I want to be a better person. I want to be some others can look to in bad times and good times. So you can imagine my surprise when I felt a certain amount of intolerance for another person of my LGBT Community the other day.

Otep is my favorite artist in the metal world and for the most part, in all other music realms. She writes her own music, she has books of poetry published, she really does care about the message that she delivers and she advocates for many different kinds of issues and/or events. Recently she wrote a blog completely message influenced and fabricated. It was satire in nature. She is a Lesbian and she made up that she got engaged and that after the intial reaction of her fiancee's family, she, Otep, was going to get a sex change so that she could get married. I fully acknowledge that movie stars, authors and musicians have the right to live their lives like any of us do. I know that their personal life is none of my business. I was however, upset nonetheless. Otep has helped me through a few things in my own life... her team of writers have responded back to me and I am almost completely sure that she herself wrote back to me once or twice. Her team always says it's her team writing back to you. One time I got one that was signed Otep Shamaya. Anyway, the point is she's supported me by the music and message that she creates as well as by having real understanding and care for her fans. No matter what she decided to do with her body I would support her and I let her know that... BUT, I did get upset. She's touched my personal life and therefore sometimes stardom can feel personal. I never used to understand that, but I do now. When I read her blog my first thought was, "Seriously, WTF?!" I wondered if she really thought changing her sex would solve her relationship dilema because hey, she was marrying a Lesbian lol. Then, I was upset because she is a Lesbian and I felt betrayed in a sense... as though this advocate was giving up. I think that if you really are Trangendered, then good, change. But I felt as though her changing would be a slap in the face to Lesbian, Gays, Bis and Transgendered people everywhere. So yes, I was upset. I thought about it for two days off and on before she let us off the hook. I felt the intolerance inside of me build and climax and I realized that I am very discrimatory and racist and even bigotted in ways that I don't always realize. It upsets me to know this and in Sociology I am learning that this is part product of my cultural lenses. I am also continually trying to learn how to be the better person; to accept that of which I don't understand.

So far I have been able to do so with a few things. When I was 15 almost 16 I was still intolerant of Transgendered people and even of Lesbians, Gays and Bis... privately I felt weirded out by them and publicly I went along with other people who were making fun of someone behind their back for being gay. I was largely afraid that if I said it was okay then I would be found out. When I came out I apologized to the people who I'd made fun of behind their back and asked for their forgiveness. They understood me and forgave me and for that I am grateful. When I moved in with my Lesbian roommates in Oregon back in 2007-2008 I eventually overcame my discrimination against my own people and also, through the L Word I overcame my discrimination/disturbing-feel weird thoughts about Transgendered people. Ophelia has helped me overcome discrimination against people of "gothic" origin and/or scarification/body modification. Indeed I contemplate the scarification process for myself. I am preparing for a session in which I'll have a butterfly cut into my back. The wings will be cut into me and due to surgery, I already have the body of the butterfly. My friend Hannah is a Christian, but so far I have a very hard time talking to most Christians. I feel that I will be judged and I judge them first. This is a product of my up-bringing but I am working on this as well.

Intolerance is one of the reasons that there is no peace in this world. If we all just learned tolerance for others; respect; then perhaps we would be a more peaceful, loving and surviving world. One can only hope... and change themselves.