Journal

I'll tell you one thing, I'm scared to death. PTSD from old wounds is making what's happening even worse. There's this middle aged guy at school that's bothering me. I've seen him around before, but it wasn't until three weeks ago that he came into close contact with me. I was sitting with this girl from Sociology class and we were doing math homework. They have a class together and he came and sat with us. When he laid eyes on me I knew that something bad was about to happen. The hair on the back of my neck stood up and my body became tense. He started asking me all these personal questions about my life. I answered as vaguely as I could.

Two days later I was sitting in the computer lab and when he saw me, he came up to me and tried to strike up a conversation. I said hi and then went back to my work. Then all of a sudden I noticed that he was wherever I was and always stealthly sneaking up on me to say hi. I've become hyper aware since he asked me if my sister is as cute as I am. He also asked if I needed a ride, because he was more than willing to give me one. Later on, he talked to my mom and told her that she had a beautiful daughter and that he's been trying to get with me, but that I'm wary of him.Then last week he snuck up on me and said he'd like to give me a kiss. I said NO. He said he'd like to give me a couple kisses. I said NO. When I looked up he put down two chocolate kisses in front of me. I told him no thank you and that I was watching my diet. So yesterday I'm sitting going through my backpack, to where no one I know would recognize me and he sneaks up on me again. He says "You're the girl that thinks my kisses are fatty", gets angry and stalks off.

Last night I told my dad what he did and my dad, who used to be a prison guard, no longer thinks it's just a dirty, weird old man, but a for real sicko. He wanted to come to school with me today and have me pinpoint the guy (who happens to be named Guy) to him. I know that no good would come of that and so I told him I'd take care of it.

This morning my mom and I went and talked to the security guards at the college. I told them everything that's been going on and they don't like it one bit. They said if I see him again to go immediately to the security center and tell them so that they can get an idea as to what this guy looks like. They want to talk to him. One of the security guards, a good-ol-country-boy, was enraged saying that guys like that give the middle aged guys like him a bad rap.

So, I'm feeling pretty bad today and have written the word FEAR on my hand with blue marker and put a blue band around my wrist as well, symbolizing the trapped feeling that I have. I have to come to schol so that I can get good grades and eventually have a good life. But I don't enjoy coming to the college anymore, because besides when I'm in class, I feel like I constantly have to be darting my eyes back and forth to see if this guy's around. I don't like being this sick to my stomach; this tense. I can't even get my school work done and it's approaching FINALS!

I cried this morning in Religions and I feel as though I'm going to cry again. I'm out of my mind with fear any time that I'm not hanging out with Ophelia or in a secluded little area or any time that I'm not in class. It's making me sick. I feel just sick. I feel vulnerable, afraid and questioning... I'm questioning why it is that I'm attracting predators like that and why it is that I can't find someone normal...

I hate that the place that has always made me feel better about my life, this college site, is now a place I no longer want to be in, because of this creep.

WOW! Ten days sure can fly by fast! I've been such a busy little bee and away from the computer-internet- too! Let's see...

So I went to my sister Roberta's house and I told her all about what happened with Jackie emailing me and how I've been ignoring her emails. You should have seen her face... Roberta was so proud of me (thanks for being proud of me friends!). We ran around a whole bunch that night, so I don't really recall much about it. I do know that the next morning she woke me up around 7 a.m. and we went to a walking park near by with the kids (ranging from 4 to 16 yrs of age). Roberta told us stories from her childhood as we walked two miles. We had to take our time of course because of all my physical problems, but it was great anyway. Afterwards we went to Safeway and I used my food card to buy us breakfast. We had waffles, eggs, bacon, fruit salad and I don't know what else LOL! It was great! Roberta and I watched a movie I needed to see for school before I left. It's called A Soldier's Story.

Come Tuesday I left the house again for a road trip. I haven't been home much lately LOL. I went with Ophelia and we went to a big city here in Arizona where her ex before her last ex (2 bfs ago) lived. We went and took him to work and then drove three more hours to another big city and visited with her mom and her mom's bf. There we ate dinner and it was GREAT :) Yummy steak, veggies and a potatoe. Pumpkin pie for dessert! We watched a movie with them and then headed back up to Brian's, her ex's house. It was great to see him again after so long, but I swear that man GREW LOL :) He's so much taller than I remember! Anyway, Bri was still at work and so Ophelia and I just lounged out and watched movies. I fell asleep during Sling Blade, but woke up in time to watch another movie. I got to pick this time and I've heard that I should see A Clockwork Orange, so we watched that. Very interesting. Very strange. I want to see it again LOL :) Bri got home and we started watching Zoolander but I'd fallen back asleep and so Ophelia walked me up to Bri's bed and covered me with my blankets and I was gone until the next day sometime. Bri and Ophelia napped out on the floor... I don't know why he gave up his bed; I said I was fine with the floor LOL! Anyway, we just hung out quiet like the next morning... Ophelia made us breakfast and then we drove Brian back to work again. And then we made the long journey back towards home. We didn't get to my house until way late (or so it seemed) and Ophelia was nodding out on the way back; I could tell, so I gave her the option to stay at my place, which she initially turned down (no doubt wanting to be in her own bed far away from my dad LOL). Fifteen minutes later though and she caved. We went in and I made my bed. We crawled in and fell fast asleep. The next day she said my bed was comfy LOL and left for work in her town. I stayed home and slept even though I had class. I skipped two classes to go on that road trip, but what can I say? I'm constantly looking to get out and go on a road trip. It was a great time. I played DJ on the way down and we listened to mostly grundge with some light metal in there too. It was great!

Jackie contacted me again five days ago. I logged on this morning to see the email from her begging and pleading with me not to make this about me and to email her back with Amy's information. I just deleted it, though I have to admit this time it was harder to do so... WITHOUT REPLYING A NASTY RETORT! But I didn't. I just deleted it and I even got rid of it from the Trash folder. I don't want anything to do with her.

Anyway, did I tell you all that I got a brand new laptop computer??!!! I'm so excited about it! It doesn't run the best, like my old laptop used to, but it works great for school work, which is the reason the job training place got it for me. I've been using it for school work, and saving stuff to my USB and let me tell you! It's fantastic! I can get my hw done a lot easier and faster now and it came just in time because I have finals coming up. One of them is a take-home and so I've already started on it. I hope I get a good grade!

Speaking of good grades, last week and the week before I took my second exam in math, turned in my movie and book reports for Soc and I still don't know my grades, so please pray, that by tomorrow I get my answer and that it's a good one :)

After that whole horrible day in which I did math I went to Ophelia's house for two nights. She picked me up after her classes on Monday and we travelled to Wal-Mart before going to her home in another town. I had her pick out two different colors of yarn (she chose purple and red). I'm making her a blanket and I'm going to give it to her as a Christmas present along with some chocolates. She doesn't know that part though :)

It was a weird night for me. We got deep into discussion and I got drunk. My inhibitions were down and I told her everything that I've always held back from her... on serious matters. I showed her all of my emotions from angry, to frustrated, to sad and lovey-dovey. It was a very stupid night for me because I got too drunk again. I'm pissed off that I keep allowing myself to drink too much. Ophelia stepped out of the room for a while for a phone call and I decided that while she was out I was going to drink a lot. I drank half a tall bottle of vodka in half an hour. BAD IDEA! I got sick like five times that night and I couldn't hold down even water on Tuesday.

I'd finished all my math homework on Monday and turned it and my Sociology homework into the faculty desk at school before leaving that night. So on Tuesday we were able to stay home (Ophelia's). I didn't want to come to classes and it was Ophelia's day off (from work and school). She got called into work though and so I ended up staying behind at her place by myself. I guess I didn't mind that much. I just crocheted and cleaned the house... or what I could do anyway. That night Ophelia made us dinner and I watched Orphan while she was doing some stuff. That is one scary movie and I loved it! It had me going up until the very end!

Wednesday morning we woke up and came back to my town.  

These last two weeks I've felt severely inadequate as a friend, as a daughter, as a student and just as a person all the way around. I never know how to just have fun and quit being serious. I am still living with my parents and dependent on them. I have been lazy with my schoolwork for the last two weeks and fell behind. I still have a little catching up to do. And then, I am so flawed that it seems like it may take me forever to ever get anything right enough. So anyways, two days ago when I came back to town, I wrote in blue permanent marker "Inadequate?!" on my hand and yesterday when I went into therapy with Aaron, he put the word Adequate on my right hand. My challenge this week is to keep it written on my hand and I already failed. Last night I erased both words on my hands with lots of soap and water. This morning I was feeling bad for that though and rewrote the word on my left hand in pen. Adequate; not inadequate. I am supposed to think of the fact that I am adequate for the next two weeks while Aaron goes out of town. I really don't know if I can do it. We'll see...

I took my 2nd math test yesterday and I'm not completely sure that I did good, though I feel that I did better than I thought I would.

I think between being sick all last week and being drunk and not being able to eat much this week that my stomach has shrunk and I know that I've lost some weight. I don't eat much these days and when I do it is pretty healthy. I can only hope that I continue to lose some fabulous weight LOL :)

Tonight I'm finally getting over to my sister Roberta's house. I'll be staying over just tonight I think :) Anyway, I've made some real progress in aspects of my life this year that I don't think I've talked about yet. #1 I ran into Tabatha twice this Fall and it was weird for me. She gave me her phone number twice and I didn't know how I would react to that. Ophelia said that my face and my body language did not look good after the second time of seeing Tabatha, because we were hanging out that day doing schoolwork. I have decided not to call her. Not because she raped me when we were younger and I suddenly remembered when I was 20. Not because she used to be a drug addict and in and out of jail. But because I don't feel that it's right for me to carry on a friendship with her if I'm only ever going to see her as the person she used to be. She's changed and so have I and I'm not sure that we have anything in common anymore. #2 Jackie has been emailing me and asking me for Amy's phone number. She disowned me when I was young and we stopped talking for a bit and then when she wants something now she has my address. I told her I never wanted to talk to her again unless she'd changed from the evil, mean and using person that she is now. She hasn't changed. She just writes when she wants to use me and so I didn't reply to her emails. I talked with Amy on the phone like a week ago and told her what Jackie was doing and Amy told me that I don't have to tell Jackie anything on her behalf. So I've just deleted her emails and Jackie's sister Frannie contacted me yesterday, I think, and said that Jackie asked if I'd gotten her emails. I told her that I had but that I'm not replying. Not long after that Frannie stopped talking with me so I know that she just contacted me because Jackie asked her to get that information from me. I'm not going to be used anymore. It's not worth it to me; it just hurts me.

So I'm learning how to let go of people who use me, to accept those beliefs and people that I don't understand and working on myself continuously in therapy. I am very proud of that fact.