nellie's Journal

Well I just got off the phone with my sister-in-law, and feel really good right now.  I had always thought of my sil as a crazy girl that didnt know her head from a hole in the wall because her husband left her for another girl and has been bouncing back and forth now for the past 2 years.  She still thinks he is the one for her, and has been hanging on, while he lives his double life.  But after listening to her update me on her relationship situation, I started to hint around to her, my feelings toward her brother/my husband.  Surprisingly enough, she gave me guidance and counseled me on some things that really make sense.  And the crazy thing is, many of my friends and family had told me some of these same things before, but it didn't really hit home as deeply as when she told me... How bizzare is that?  I guess I figured, my friends and family will tell me what I thought was one sided, and hearing it from her, made me realize that I have to focus more on what I need and my kids need than what he needs or what others may think of me.  It was nice to know she understood and could see some of the concerns I had, and gave me the time to explain myself instead of defending her brother.  As much as she may not have known it, it really helped me open my eyes and make me see that I do need to do something NOW and stop procrastinating hoping things will change. 

I will tell you, leaving my husband is something that I truely need to do to get him to see I am serious and cannot live under these pretenses anymore.  I am excited to be able to start a new chapter in my life, yet so scared what the future holds, and the trials of being a single working parent of 3.  I am so use to him running my life, and dictating what I will be doing or don't need to do.  So getting out there, and trying to take control of my life is going to be a challenge.  Luckily, starting at the gym has been a beginning, because I am doing something on my own, and I like the independance of going.

Life will definately be different, and I realize I have to be the one to go, because he won't so that is hard because I love the home I am in now, it's location, schools and knowing I will probably loose everything because he can't afford it on his own sucks.  I will have to sit with the landlord and make up an agreement that if my husband cant afford it, to inform me and maybe we can kick him out and I can move back in,,,I don't know.

but I have taken my rings off as of a few days ago, and as much as i miss them on my finger, I feel more free and independant.  Weird how a little peice of metal can do that and hold me down so much.

So next is to find a lawyer I guess, to go over some of the details of what I need to do, to legally go about this, so I don't do something stupid and loose everything I have worked for.  I hope I can find a decent one.  being newer to a town is hard enough, but finding good services doesn't make life any easier.

I pray that God will forgive me for breaking my marriage vow, and that my kids will understand when they get older that I did this for them and my wellbeing.  I dont want to fight with thier dad, and I don't hate the man.  I know he will be heartbroken, because without me he has nothing, but with me I have nothing.  It is time to stop focusing on not hurting him, and live life to its fullest.    For those that read the journals I write, please pray for me as well.  I accept any input, good or bad.

As far as my home business, things are really kicking.  We had to open an office because there was too much traffic in my home for me to feel like it was a home.  So if he still wants to be business partners that is fine, but it will suck to get stuck with that bill too.

Life isn't about bills all the time though.  And it is time for me to step up and start taking control of my life.  And i have to keep telling myself that.  And lately, so many people have approached me and told me they don't understand why I am allowing it to go on, and now with my sister in law stating her understanding, I think I just might be strong enough to finally take a stance.

I will try to keep this updated, at least weekly to keep a running journal of my feelings and happenings.