MsH's Journal

I have the stupidest thing to say.

I guess I have to just admit it...

We are no longer preventing a pregnancy.  

(And for those of you who are my Facebook Friends as well, you have to pretend you don't know that. Because I have real life family on Facebook, and we don't share that kind of information with family. Only ... uh... friends who I've never met in real life. Ahem.) 

Now, you're smart girls, and I know that you've already mentally noted that I said "no longer preventing pregnancy" instead of "trying to conceive". Because we know there's a very real difference. 

I have a lot of different emotions about that... guilt, excitement, terror....

Guilt- because I know so many perfect, wonderful women who just want baby number one. They're not just "not preventing" it, they're actively pursuing it with every fiber of their spirit, and still have not brought home the "bundle of joy".  Guilt eats at me for even considering that I'm good enough to have a second child, when so many can't have a first. 

Excitement- of course I'm excited, at the dreams of a sister or brother for our daughter. Excitement about the possibility of a pregnancy that might result from my DH & I, doing what God built us to do without the help of any medications. It's possible, right? A girl can dream, can't she? Excited to see what the future holds, what God has in store for us, and excited for life in general. I can't believe the TTC journey that led us to our daughter did not Jade me in the quest for #2. I am as giddy as I was when I threw out my birth control pills on my first wedding anniversary and we began TTC our daughter.  Although we required medical intervention to conceive our daughter, it's what I called "fertility treatment light" and actually the pregnancy resulted after we had stopped those treatments due to cysts. So we don't know that the medicine "fixed" anything; but we are hopeful that we can do this "au naturel". 

Terror-at the thought (more realistically the deep, soul-seated feeling) that my excitement is misplaced.  I have not taken BC since my DD was born. We were "careful" about timing and also used condoms this first year. Then we decided not to... My cycles have fallen back into a pattern that is sooo familiar to me- that same pattern of when we were actively TTC. So, yes, although I remain optimistic that we can try this on our own, a very large part of my psyche feels that this won't be one of those "oops, honey, guess what" kind of moments. Which was why we made the decision to start not preventing now. 

I would be thrilled beyond belief if we were successful without more help. I know full well that a pregnancy this very month is possible, putting my children 22 months apart. And I am very ok with that idea. But I also know that there is a higher likelihood  that we will have to try more than a couple months, and we are ok with that scenario too. So for now, after a long heart to heart with my hubby, we have agreed to "not prevent a second pregnancy", and nothing more. No temperature charts, no OPK's, no CM checks. Just a husband and a wife, with a greedy desire for God to bless this family again.