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DinoMom 
Today was my nephew by my husband's sister's birthday. He turned 17. I can remember changing his diapers and now he's bigger than I am. He's turning into such a man......a good man. He makes me proud.
They had a birthday dinner for him at his house. Now normally I hate to go there. My sister in law and mother in law make me constantly feel as though they are judging me and won't ever approve of me; but that's their problem, not mine. Yet it still affects me emotionally.
However, I swallowed my fears and anxiety and took my kids and I went without my husband. It started before he got off of work and I didn't know if he'd be joining us afterwards or not. But I still worked up the courage to go. And it was a nice evening.
The kids got to play with 2 of their cousins they normally don't get to play with. They were also on their best behaviour.
And the hubby did show up after work. He ate in a different room and then came in and joined the adults for conversation. It took me, his sister, and his cousin yelling at the top of our lungs for him to come in with us but he finally did come in and somewhat participated in conversation. It was the first time I talked more than he did at the "adult dinner table" in a very very long time. We stayed for about an hour after he got off work; so the kids and I were there for over 2 hours.
Yet as soon as he got home, his back started hurting to the point that he could barely move. He made a big production of sweeping our area rug in the livingroom with a broom. Then he went to bed.
He was supposed to be in so much pain yet I asked him repeatedly if he wanted me to try different things I could do to try to ease his pain and he said "No" to every suggestion I had. He does have degenerative bone disease in his back and everyday is constant pain on some level for him. I understand this and sympathize with him for it. Lord knows if I could, I'd take his pain for him.
Yet there are 2 questions in my mind when he "suddenly" has debiltating pain and won't accept any form of help from me.
1) Is he really and truelly in as much pain as he makes it out to be or does he just use it as an excuse to avoid me? (We got home at around 9:00 pm and he's been in bed since 9:20.)
2) If he's in that much pain, why won't he let me help him?
Lord knows I'm not trying to be a shrew. But sometimes it just seems like yet another way that he uses to make me feel useless and worthless. Does he do it on purpose? I have no idea. Sometimes I think he does. Sometimes I believe his pain is genuine. Tonite I wonder if it was a thing of convenience.
And not that I really expected him to, but at no point tonite did he take the time to say, "You know, I'm proud of you for going ahead over to my sister's without me. I know how big of a step that was for you and I appreciate the effort."
He somehow makes my BP feel more like a defect than an illness. And maybe that's my own fault. I don't know. But I choose to cut him slack and believe that he truelly doesn't understand the illness and the other things I have going on with me.
I stayed sober for over 2 months. But lately, I've been having a drink here and there. It just helps me deal with the pain of doubting his love for me and slows the racing thoughts that accompany one of my episodes, which I've been having more and more often lately. I know it's only temporary. I know it's not good for me. I'm going to quit again and this time, I'm not going back to it.
Sometimes I wonder if I quit cutting him so many breaks over my BP and actually called him out on some of the bs he comes up with if things would get better? Who knows? Maybe I'll try it and see. But I'm afraid of how he'll take it also. He's already so insecure due to childhood abuse and STILL searching for his connection to his mom and for her acceptance that I don't want to be moved to the list of those that don't believe in him and can't love him unconditionally. Even though I think after 14 years, I've more than proved I'm his biggest advocate against the world. What's between us is private and between he and I. But I'll not let others run him down or over him if I can help it or do anything to stop it. I don't think he gets that. I don't think he believes in me standing up for him. I've had the thought that me standing up for him is emasculating to him; but he won't stand up for himself. So I feel it leaves me, as his wife, to do it. Is that so wrong?
I don't brag to him that I've done it. There's been many instances where I've done it without him even knowing about it. Times I've not said a word to him about it happening.
Yet he's gone to my own sister putting me down. It seems he doesn't miss a chance depending on the person to put me down.
As far as he's concerned, he does ALL the housework and I only do dishes. The only part of that that I can say is true is when it comes to the laundry. I do housework. But my OCD takes over and I have to make myself take a step back or I'll obsess over it to the point of frustration. Yet still, it's not ALL on his shoulders like he tries to portray it to be.
Before being diagnosed as BP and OCD, I used an online cleaning method. I think I need to go back to that. I had the house clean from the downstairs to the upstairs in a matter of less than a month. And it stayed that way for almost 6 months. But then my old therapist took my "lists" away from me because she said I obsessed over them to the point of perfection which left little time to actually get anything done. Well I can't function without them as far as housework goes so I'm going to create new ones. I'm going to put them into effect. I'm going to STICK TO THEM!
I'm going to take away all credence of him being able to say he does everything around the house on top of going to work all day.
God, PLEASE give me the guidence and the strength and wisdom I need to find the lists that work; and PLEASE, Lord, OH PLEASE, help me to carry them through......
