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Hi my name is Angie and I've been a member since June 2007 but have never written in my journal. I just read …
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Rbear66 
2:51pm, April 16, 2009
So I've been back to work for a little over a month now and it feels as if I haven't had a break in years and I need one. One day I think that I can do this and the next day I am sure that I can't and am ready to give up and go home again. I know if I go on disability again it will be for good and I don't think that I am ready for that but I can't shake this inadaquate feeling that I have. I don't feel like I am up to snuff. I feel much weaker than I ever have been and much less of an asset to my company. I have always felt as if I was stronger than most of the females that I worked with and was very proud of that and that isn't the case any longer. I feel as if I need an excuse for my weakness. I've just never doubted myself and my abilities like I have lately and I'm not quite sure how to get over it. I feel this need to go back to my former self and at the same time I think/know (see what I mean) that that isn't going to happen. I want to get up in the morning before work and run with the dogs, play tennis on my day off and just generally be who I used to be. Sometimes I just feel like giving up. Is it too much to ask to just be normal again? If I get myself all psyched up to even walk before work it may very well be a day that it takes me an hour in the shower because I'm laying on the tub floor trying not to puke.....then what? I almost wish that I would progress to the point that my choice was obvious. This day to day doubt and undecision is crippling in and of itself. Of course if I were to progress to that point....oh hell, you get the idea. It's a no win situation from here. I should take the good days and be grateful for them but I am having such a hard time doing that for some reason. They give me false hope for tomorrow. I just don't know what to do from one day to the next and don't know who to ask.....
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Am so sorry you are feeling so down,when I was put on disabity I told myself that this MS was not going to control me I was going to control it.I excepted what was going to be, so each day I wakeup is a day to made the most of it, and live it to the fullness.You will have to come to terms what the dz you have and made the best of it.I don't have as much stress as I use to.That helps alot. I will keep you in my prayers .
littledove
Never give up hope...There is no false hope...Hope is what keeps us all going...Because tomorrow's another day. Stay positive. You'll hit your stride!
FeelingRough
I know exactly what you mean. This disease makes you doubt everything you knew, or thought you knew, was true. It makes you doubt yourself, your body, your strength, you abilities, and what you have to offer. It's like everything you had is taken away, but you get some of those things back, once in a while, for a bit, but then it's gone again.
I never know how much energy to devote to any particular task, b/c that may be all the energy I have for the day, the hour, whatever. I kept asking God to make the decision about returning to work clear -- I wanted the doctor to tell me what to do, or my husband, b/c I was afraid of making the wrong decision. In the end I went back that one day, came home from work and wasn't able (literally) to get out of bed. So, that was clear!
I know what you are saying about false hope. When we have good days we get to thinking that we're better, when we really aren't (not yet). But I also know that what FeelingRough is saying about not giving up is true as well. It's like walking a tightrope physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. At least I have the comfort of knowing that when I fall, God will catch me.
Thinking of you today.
lauralpn
Just take it day by day sweety. Hour by hour if you have to.....somehow you/we will all get through this. And somehow I think you'll be stronger yet for it. Physical strength isn't the only type of strength out there ya know.....You may see fellow coworkers having alot more energy than you, but you are the one with the strength and endurance to NOT give up. You still are the strongest chica I know both outside and in. You have alot of years in with this company and pride of that can never be touched.You have opened so many other doors in your life and I know you'll always have a backup plan in place.
I can't tell you how you've keep me going..keep me alive. For that I'm always so greatful. I need you, you need me. Thank you my beast fiend! lol
xiola23