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Rbear66 
2:51pm, April 16, 2009
So I've been back to work for a little over a month now and it feels as if I haven't had a break in years and I need one. One day I think that I can do this and the next day I am sure that I can't and am ready to give up and go home again. I know if I go on disability again it will be for good and I don't think that I am ready for that but I can't shake this inadaquate feeling that I have. I don't feel like I am up to snuff. I feel much weaker than I ever have been and much less of an asset to my company. I have always felt as if I was stronger than most of the females that I worked with and was very proud of that and that isn't the case any longer. I feel as if I need an excuse for my weakness. I've just never doubted myself and my abilities like I have lately and I'm not quite sure how to get over it. I feel this need to go back to my former self and at the same time I think/know (see what I mean) that that isn't going to happen. I want to get up in the morning before work and run with the dogs, play tennis on my day off and just generally be who I used to be. Sometimes I just feel like giving up. Is it too much to ask to just be normal again? If I get myself all psyched up to even walk before work it may very well be a day that it takes me an hour in the shower because I'm laying on the tub floor trying not to puke.....then what? I almost wish that I would progress to the point that my choice was obvious. This day to day doubt and undecision is crippling in and of itself. Of course if I were to progress to that point....oh hell, you get the idea. It's a no win situation from here. I should take the good days and be grateful for them but I am having such a hard time doing that for some reason. They give me false hope for tomorrow. I just don't know what to do from one day to the next and don't know who to ask.....
Comments
But a good worn out. I went back to work yesterday and I feel like a contributing member of society and most of all a person again. I am back to enjoying my down time (and enjoying my pain.....NOT!) Unfortunatley I do remember that when I get out and perform normally it hurts like hell physically but boy does it feel good mentally! I had two calls yesterday and both were good solid calls , no one died or was maimed including me. (joke .... joking, just joking) I was really very scared in the morning. I felt very incapable and wanted to go home. thanks to my friends I made it through. I work again tomorrow and I am looking very much forward to it.
Hope all are well!
Hugs,
Lorraine
UPDATED GOALS
Make through the day
Progress 20%
Encouragements: 1
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It was great to have you back.
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Congratution be careful not to over do for a while,nice and easy.hang in there girl.
Bring on the hoops! The flaming hoops at that!
First off I need a doctors note from the doctor that took me off work and we wont even address that fiasco. let's just say that I can't get him to co-operate with me and I am lucky that my work is very familiar with how unco-operative he is and is willing to take any doctors note so I can return.
Then we move on to the company that handle our physical assessment and evaluations. they are idiots! In their ultimate wisdom they have decided that i need a note from my pulmonoligist/sleep doctor saying I am safe to drive with my sleep apnea even though it had absolutely nothing to do with my time off, in order to return to work! it just so happens that doctor is out of town and will be for the next two weeks! So is workers comp going to pay me for the next two weeks since that doc ordered me off?
idiots
weeeee the fun of employment!
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And people think our medical care will improve if it is "universalized." Don't you hate how people who have no vested interest in you can have so much control over your life?? Isn't it enough to make you crazy? On the flip side, maybe this isn't quite the time for you to return, and that the next two weeks are an important part of your recovery. Just a thought . . .
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Man what a mess I have made of the day. :0( I couldn't sleep last night and got all upset about something this morning and vented on friends and they took it the wrong way and now I feel stupid. I really need to get back to normal before I hit looney tunes!
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Dear bear, You are being given the "Classical Runaround!" - I've got to see my Doc tomorrow - and know I will get the same - tho' I'm too old to work, so I don't matter (and they don't mind!) Universal Truth - the older you get, the worse it gets, and NEVER move to a working class area - that sort of address gives you the right to be insulted by almost everyone in the medical profession - apart from the ambulance drivers, who are always professional, & dentists! - they don't know where you live - their Reception staff do all that! Seriously, that's been my experience! I trust things sort out for you: what a bunfight!!! Fond regards, JaneD.
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Ahhh, I know that runaround very well. They almost pensioned me for things unrelated to Lyme. Hope things are smoothing out for you!
Past Entries
Goal Updated
Am so sorry you are feeling so down,when I was put on disabity I told myself that this MS was not going to control me I was going to control it.I excepted what was going to be, so each day I wakeup is a day to made the most of it, and live it to the fullness.You will have to come to terms what the dz you have and made the best of it.I don't have as much stress as I use to.That helps alot. I will keep you in my prayers .
littledove
Never give up hope...There is no false hope...Hope is what keeps us all going...Because tomorrow's another day. Stay positive. You'll hit your stride!
FeelingRough
I know exactly what you mean. This disease makes you doubt everything you knew, or thought you knew, was true. It makes you doubt yourself, your body, your strength, you abilities, and what you have to offer. It's like everything you had is taken away, but you get some of those things back, once in a while, for a bit, but then it's gone again.
I never know how much energy to devote to any particular task, b/c that may be all the energy I have for the day, the hour, whatever. I kept asking God to make the decision about returning to work clear -- I wanted the doctor to tell me what to do, or my husband, b/c I was afraid of making the wrong decision. In the end I went back that one day, came home from work and wasn't able (literally) to get out of bed. So, that was clear!
I know what you are saying about false hope. When we have good days we get to thinking that we're better, when we really aren't (not yet). But I also know that what FeelingRough is saying about not giving up is true as well. It's like walking a tightrope physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. At least I have the comfort of knowing that when I fall, God will catch me.
Thinking of you today.
lauralpn
Just take it day by day sweety. Hour by hour if you have to.....somehow you/we will all get through this. And somehow I think you'll be stronger yet for it. Physical strength isn't the only type of strength out there ya know.....You may see fellow coworkers having alot more energy than you, but you are the one with the strength and endurance to NOT give up. You still are the strongest chica I know both outside and in. You have alot of years in with this company and pride of that can never be touched.You have opened so many other doors in your life and I know you'll always have a backup plan in place.
I can't tell you how you've keep me going..keep me alive. For that I'm always so greatful. I need you, you need me. Thank you my beast fiend! lol
xiola23