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keepmegoing 
10:34am Monday
It hardly seems possible that as of tomorrow, it will be a month that Rob has been gone. It's nice knowing that I've made it through the 1st month ok but, I still miss him sooo much. Some of the things that some people have to get use to when their spouse dies, I was already use to. Such as going away to the store or other place without them and sleeping alone. Since he wasn't able to climb stairs since the end of 2007, I've been sleeping by myself for close to 2 years. It just the fact of not having him in the house with me any more. Yes, the day to day care for him was a lot of work. Would I have had it any other way? Absolutely not! He was always worried when he was 1st diagnosed that I was going to walk out on him or at least put him in a nursing home. I told him that I married him for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. I know that some people take those vows rather lightly but, not I. Though I wasn't ready for him to leave me, I am glad that he is no longer suffering with the chains of the ALS. He's free to run, dance, sing, hug....anything his heart desires. Though I'm not in any hurry to leave this earth, I do look forward to being with him again. I got thinking the other day, I wonder if he's met Gen. Lee and Grant. Being a history buff, especially in the civil war, I bet he's been hearing a lot of stories. Maybe he's even met Lou Gehrig himself. The namesake of the disease that took my husband, friend and lover from me. This past Sunday, I watched one of my favorite new shows, THREE RIVERS. Big mistake. The one guest star of the show was a man with ALS. Too close to home for me. Tomorrow, Chris and I will be taking a few items of Rob's to ALS of MI to donate to their loan closet and to return a couple of items that we were borrowing. Friday, we will be working at our soup kitchen and in the afternoon, the gentleman from United Seating and Mobility that would come and do the repairs on Rob's chair will be coming to pick up his powerchair and the portable ramp that was loaned to us from the ALS Association. Once those items are gone, that will be it for Rob's things. I still have all of his books and videos and his hockey trading card collection as well as all of his models that he built. Those items will leave the house once Jason is out of prison and has a place of his own and he and Chris can divide them. I have my days that I wonder how I am going to make it and then, I just keep myself busy and before I know it, it is time for bed and another day ends. I've done a little job searching on line for physical therapy assistants. Need to get my resume tweeked so it can catch the possible employer's eye. If all else fails, there's a home health care agency or 2 that will hire me. I just don't like the idea of being on the road all the time. But, I'll have to take what I can get. We'll just wait and see what developes.
Comments
Our trip up to the UP of Michigan went well. Our 1st day up here, Saturday was nice. I was a little dissappointed at the motel as, there was many kids staying at the motel and the parents were letting them do whatever they wanted so, there were 10-12 year old boys running around the motel all the time. Up and down the halls and the stairwells, leaving litter on the floor. They were part of a youth hockey team that had played on Saturday. It was good for me that they were gone by the time I got back to the motel on Sunday. I really didn't need all of these kids running around when I was having a difficult time dealing with being here without Rob. It was very difficult driving to the prison by myself on Saturday. It felt so weird to be going there and not have Rob with me. I cried. I got to the prison and when I was checking in, I mentioned to the CO that Rob's name could be taken off of the list as he had passed. I told her that he was the one that I had brought in last year in the big wheelchair and she said, I remember him. She was truely sorry to hear that he had died. My eyes welled up in telling her. Then when I saw Jason, the tears started again. I was so happy to be seeing him but, at the same my heart was sad to not have his dad with me. We had a wonderful visit, once I got the tears to stop. Then driving home, they were back. Yesterday went much better. The time went by so quickly while I was there. I hope I can come back on more time before the end of the year but, I am not planning on it as Chris and I are both going to be looking for work and I don't know how much money I'll be having.
We'll be leaving for home in a few hours, making a stop at Northwood's. It is a really neat store that has almost anything you can imagine. The best thing is it is all discounted. We're going to be looking for a new tree top ornament as my Angel topper has shorted out on me. The skies are ovecast today. Woke up to a beautiful sunrise yesterday. The temps have been mild as well. Very nice for early November here. I'll check back in to see how everyone is doing soon.
Comments
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Hi honey, I am so glad you got there safely and had a good visit. I know it was bittersweet without having Rob there. I know Jason was glad to see you though. I will keep you in my prayers that something will come up for you and Chris to find jobs that work for you both. I just want you to know that I am thinking of you, love, sharon
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Glad you made the trip safely but so sorry that it was bittersweet for you. I know you enjoyed spending time with your son. I hope that you and Chris both find jobs. I will remember you in my prayers. Take care of yourself. Love, Martha
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I'm glad you had a nice visit. We went Saturday morning to visit Steve. We used to stay at the Days Inn but decided to stay at the Driftwood Motel in St.Ignace. It was nice and clean and quiet. We tried it because the rates were more affordable and the resturant was right there. We left Sunday at 1:30.Wanted to get out before shift change. Long tired trip back but was glad to see him. I hope you and Chris find jobs. good luck.
Kathy
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You picked the best weekend of the fall for your trip. I am sure the mild weather made it all the more enjoyable for you both. Funny how grief catches us off guard sometimes like when you were going to visit your son. As time passes those moments will happen less but for now just go with it, let your heart grieve and share your pain with your sons and with us....we do care so much. God Bless you.
Well, we've made it through 2 weeks without Rob. Still feels weird not having him around and will probably feel that way for a while. Chris and I went to a memorial mass yesterday at Blessed Trinity Church in Frankenmuth with the Knights of Columbus where they read the names of all of their people that have passed this past year and that was followed by our Grand Knight reading the names of fellow Knights that have passed, my Robert included. Afterwards, we did a little shopping and treated ourselves to lunch at Hooters. I'm going to run a few errands after getting this done. I need to get some innertubes for our utility trailer as the tires keep going flat. We're going to work the fish fry at the K of C this Friday and then Saturday morning, get up, pack the van and head to St. Ignace so I can go visit Jason. I haven't told him we're planning on coming up this weekend as I want him to be surprised when I show up. Then, next week, when we return, it will be time to start job hunting. I can't put it off forever. I've had a couple of people tell me not to worry about it. Go back to school and let the state support me for a while, I deserve it. I'm not that kind of person. Yes, Rob and I paid our share of taxes to the state but, if I can find a job without having to go back to school, then that is what I"m going to do.
I hope everyone have a great week. We got a little sun yesterday and have had a few peeks of it this morning. Tomorrow, they're saying we won't even make it out of the low 40's. It is that time of year. God bless all!
Comments
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It's good to hear from you. I'm glad that you are making it through this tough time. It is hard to get adjusted to a new life and new beginnings but I know that God will lead you in the right direction. Just do what is the best for you. I wouldn't rush into any decisions about anything right now. I know you miss Rob and your schedule that you had established. I'm glad that you and Chris are able to get out and go to lunch. Take care of yourself, you are a good friend. Love, Martha
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Hi Brenda, Glad you are making efforts to take care of your time....keeping busy is the key....though I know there will be times that even that may not seem to help....it helped me alot to go to work everyday and keep occupied so I would not just think of her and how things should have been better. or different or longer here with me....keeping busy helps to go on with life and the living. What she would have wanted me to do....I am sure Rob would feel the same way. Want you to live! Take your time on big decisions though because you may feel very different in just a few months!
Hope you have a super terrific time with Jason!
Lots of love!
Rhea
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Wow, you are certainly keeping yourself busy! Your attitude continues to amaze me. I'm so happy you have the opportunity to go see Jason! I hope it's a great visit for both of you:) Take good care, Angel
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I agree with everyone...don't rush to make decisions...you have time and please have a safe trip to see Jason. I know he will be happy to see you. He is one of my best pen pals. He always writes a little note. Just be kind to yourself, you deserve it...love, sharon
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I think Sharon said it the best---- just be kind to yourself. You are a very giving,brave soul---- so yea--- be kind to yourself, let your soul rest...... do something just for YOU-- for a little while, Then start moving forward. You know I love ya!!!!
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Brenda, Sounds like you are doing o.k. I think it will take time to get used to all the adjustments that need to be done. I plan on writing Jason soon but your secret is safe with me as I know you want to surprise Jason next week. I agree with everyone else that you now need to take care of you. Take Care. Love, Georgia
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Now is a good time to job hunt if you get CHristmas seasonal work, it may go on to be permanent and if it doesn't it still gives you more to add to your resume. Have you thought about something over in Frankenmuth? I hear they pay well. I know when I was grieving working actually gave my mind a rest, I had to think about work and couldn't dwell on anything else for those hours.
Nan
Past Entries
Goal Updated
You were a faithul lady and nothing will replace what you have lost. The pain is so intense, the lonliness relentless, and it takes time and effort to begin to think there is another side to this black dark place called grieving, which is really 'The Valley of the Shadow of Death' of Psalm 23. we are here for you. Sounds like you are proactive go-getter girl. Blessing for you. John
JPFlynn
They were looking for PT assistants at St. Mary's of Chesaning office. Check out St. Mary's of Michigan online.
Nan
keepingon
Glad you are doing so well Brenda....I never had any doubts about your love or your strength....you will get a job I am sure soon! Lots of love....and come by for the party for one that have come home this weekend in Families of prisoners Group.....might be a blast.....and we want you to have some fun!
Love Rhea
tiredtiredtired
Your husband is looking down and saying what a great woman I married! You were there for him no matter what and while you won't miss that hard work caring for him, you still miss the man,your love,your friend. I am praying for you to find that extra special job that meets your needs. Hang in there my friend, you deserve many blessings and more,love,sharon
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