Mountainheart's Journal

         Hey there everyone,

                      I am giving it up. I have prayed to my Lord...Please help me. Things everyday just get worse. I try very hard to live life doing for others. Living like a christian should. I have most of my life. I don't have any problem at all dying. In fact with all the prayers sent up for me the onething I haven't asked God for was to heal me.

                      I am so tired........so tired. I feel like nothing is going to get any better, I know this world isn't going to. Nothing is ever good enough. I can't seem to get anything right anymore. Since I was diagnosed, I have lost 20year old friendships. They just disappeared along with most of the rest. I have been fighting with cancer, a daughter and son on drugs. I had to give up custody of two grankids whom I rarely see now. I know longer have my Dream job God gave me. I am about to lose my nursing liscenes in a few months, because I haven't worked and I have no CEU's. My jeep blew up, lol, in another state a month after I lost the insurance on it. I have lost the insurance on my home, I owe for the land taxes that I can't pay. This is a breech of my mortgage contract so it won't be long and then my beautiful house is gone. I reackon I will either be homeless or die in the projects I worked so hard to get out of years ago. What they give you on disability insn't jack.

                    I had a Pet-CT Scan done and my cancer had a party while I have been off of chemo. The Doctor gave me a choice between full treatments again or Avastin. I choose the later. I thought it would be easier for people if they only had to take me one day every two weeks instead of three. But that doesn't matter now either. I got a letter in the mail saying I was no longer eligible for Tenncare (insurance for the disabled and broke). So you know what that means, I can not  pay for Doctor's and medicine now. You all know how expensive all of that is.

I think the thing that irritated me the most is I am not eligible because I am not a 20 yr. old deadbeat, a drug addict or pregnant. They all quallify. Oh, and the illeagle immagrants they also qualify. And before I forget , my cancer is not in the right spot. I know this because one of the questions on the papers I had to fill out when they decided Tenncare needed to be revamped was- IS THERE A FEMALE IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD THAT IS RECIEVING OR NEEDING TREATMENT'S FOR CERVIAL OR BREAST CANCER?" Mines in the wrong spot.

                   Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself. No I don't want any lifts, good wishes, I want to go to bed and never come out until I open my eyes in heaven. That's all I want. I do thank all of you for the last two years, you are great and special people. I don't think I will be on here again though. I don't have it in me to sit and fool with the computer anymore. In fact as some of you know I have been slacking for a while now.

                  To my groups....Yes I still believe in God. Nothing will ever change that. That is all I have now, about the only thing this world cannot take from me. No I have not succeded in losing wt. or to stop smoking. So basically I haven't accomplished anything good.

                   Oh well, that is not what's going to kill me! I do however thank you for your support...For everyones support.

                                                             Bonita