Journal

  Its been a little while since I have vivited. I have had computer problems(major). If you ever see anything pop up that says Personal Ativirus- this is spam,ugly bad stuff. It takes over your computer and tells you that you have malicious sites, trojens, worms, and a lot of other stuff and blocks you from going anywhere on your computer. The worst is you cannot delete it, uninstall it. It is block by a pretection from the company who puts it on there. I had to get extra spyware to finally after two days got it removed. JUST A WARNING!!

  To my very dear friends on here, I am very sorry I don't get on here that much. I do love talking to everyone. My computer is in my kitchen and I don't sit wellin there. I wish I had a lap top like some of you do, that way I could still get on here even on days when I am not feeling well. So If I am having a bad day in the bed, I am not having a computer day.

  I had a spell here a while back where I went into a deep depression over life in general, what I call my feel sorry for me moods. I came out of it remembering how blessed I was. I didn't have the right, there were people out their that had things and were a lot sicker than I ever thought about being.

  As some of you know I have been battling insurance to no avail. We appealed three times and was turned down so right now I have no insurance. My chemo is on hold except for one med called Xeloda, if anyone knows if this drug is going to be good enough to hold my cancer at bay until Novenber, I would truely like to know. I can't help wondering if it is going to be good enough. I had a chest x-ray the other day that shows a posible tumor in my right side about the size of a half dollar. My family MD and I could not tell if it was in my lung or in my back , outside of my lung. I rarely see my oncologist since he requires payment of his services, I do how ever have an appointment with him Monday. I am taking the Xeloda 2000mg twice a day. If anyone knows anything about this drug and it's effectiveness please let me know.

  I Pray all is well with my friends. And I do miss hearing from you ( my fault) God Bless and take care...........Bonita

                  I am so very sorry, I lost it. I have no excuses for my melt down or pshychotic episode...lol.  So much has happened. It is my fault I didn't utilize this sight and my support groups. Everyone here is such a blessing, I wish nothing but good things for you. Thank you

 I could have asked for help, advise. That is what this sight is all about. I have always taken care of everyone else and I am not dealing with loosing my independence or having to ask someone for help very well at all as I am sure you can tell. I am pleased to anounce I am better and back on track.

                  I have this big problem, every time I get fed up with things the first thing out of my big mouth is I quit. There is something in me though that won't give it up no matter how bad my brain say's that's it.

I am guessing my faith in God. Maybe because I have always had to fight and it is instilled in me some how. I don't have a clue but here I am.

                 Things haven't gotten much better. I am appealing their desicion on my insurance. They tell me if I lose I will have to pay back what they spent on me from July 14th on, I have terminal cancer...lol. I'd like to see what they get. I had a very blessed conversation with GG, She is a special person and needs a lot of prayer. I know she has all I can give. I have a freind who is a Lawyer and if this goes against me, he cannot wait to naw on that one. So GG, Thank you so much and I am good.

                I lost another good friend a couple of day's ago. We raised our children together, ball games etc. We look so much a like that most people think we're sister's when we are together. She turns out has a bad drug problem to. I lost half a bottle of pain meds to her, well I didn't loose them I know where they went. I love her to much to to report it so I'll just have to cut down on how much I take. I just know, I can forgive her but I can no longer trust her. We had a talk and she has promised to get help. That is the agreement as to weather we remain friends or not. We'll see. I have had to deal with so many drug addicts that I do not want to deal with them anymore. No matter how much they love you the drug still comes first. 

 It is unreal the people on prescription meds. The Doctor's don't help any. Most give pain meds out like there candy. Of course in the Doctor's defence, being a nurse in the ER, a while back the most important thing that we we're to concentrate on was the patient's pain. Thus the invention of the pain scale, 1 being no pain and 10( which some people don't understand exactly what that means-mine being so far a tooth ache) 10 being I broke your arm off and beat you with it..lol. When I was working that was my favorite example. Doctor's where given orders in there hospitals to make sure the patients where pain free. Thus resulting in prescription drug addicts. Complian of pain and get a script.

                        I am thankful for so many things in my life that I really don't have a reason to complain. I alway's tell people when I am out and they ask me how I am That I am good, it could be worse. I am still above ground...lol. No seriously. I look around and talk to people and there is alway's someone out there that has it a lot harder than I ever experienced. For that I am very grateful and blessed.

                        My jeep is being fixed. I started Chantix last week and am on my second day of not smoking. If my stress level can remain down I might suceed this time. I am also a very bad stress eater so the wt. gain has been unreal, that is mostly in my head because I am feeling guilty about how much I have eaten in the last week. I have alway's thought it ironic how that works. You eat because you are depressed or stressed, then you have more stress and depression because you eat. One of them things in this world I will probably never figure out.

                      I have bent your ears enough. I promise to use this site for what it is there for and to ask or tell someone I need help before I have another meltdown or things start to get rough. I start Avastin Monday so that will slow me down some.

                      I hope everyone has a great 4th of July, I will be praying for everyone on here. Thank you so very much,

                                                              My love to all....Bonita