Hope808's Journal

So, while I can't complain too much about my life...nice sunny day, healthy kids, family and friends and a job I love...

I am missing something very integral and I can't stand that feeling.  My little fling had a couple of lessons embedded in it:

* I am not nearly as capable of a casual sexual fling as I wanted to believe.

* I can still very easilly get consumed and preoccupied with a relationship to the exclusion of the other areas of my life --- i.e. balance, balance, balance!!

* I have let go of my ex to the degree that I can feel something - and something strong - for another individual.

But the biggest lesson I learned is...

I am not nearly as thrilled with being single as I like to profess so often.  I don't know that I necessarily long to me married, or be in some intensely committed relationship - but I miss the passion and intimacy that come from that bond between a man and a woman.  My ex continues to profess his newfound perspective and enduring love for me - none of which has the least affect on my state of mind because it all rings so hollow.  I know that a relationship there is an option, but I want something so much more than I had before.  The problem is that I have absolutely no desire to participate in the early stages of the dating ritual - i.e. blind dates, online dating...none of that stuff is in my personality.  It feels so forced and artificial.  I want a relationship to develop naturally out of a friendship - but my  social interactions are often limited to my colleagues - which poses its own set of problems and challenges.

So, what to do?  What to do? 

It raises a lot of questions about my faith and my control issues - my codepency and my trust in God -- Do I really believe that He is directing my steps?  Do I really believe that He has a plan?  Do I really trust that He knows what I need and what is best for me?  I profess all of these things with my mouth, but my heart doubts and then I feel bad about my spiritual journey.  Why can't I trust?

People have said things lately that have really struck a nerve with regard to my own dating habits:

* I'm guessing average must be your thing.

* Why do you always sell yourself so short with the men you choose.

So, I tell myself - I will step back and let God bring someone into my life because His vision is so much bigger than mine.  But I feel like I'm ready to begin that path and I'm growing impatient with the "just wait and see what comes along" approach.  I dreamed last night that I had another baby.  Now, I don't know that really want another child.  I think I would be perfectly content with the children that I have.  But there is a small longing in my heart for that and the dream was so real, so very real that I woke with a certain ache.  The reality of the biological clock is that a relationship would at least need to be in the initiation stages very soon if that is to ever be a reality in my life.  I don't want to long for what I don't have.  I want to be content with what I have in my lilfe.  But there is a longing beneath the surface that I've denied for a while now and that doesn't seem healthy either.

Well, starting to get too much sun,  so I am going to head inside for a brief catnap before my boys come home.  I hope everyone else is having a day that is taking them forward in their journeys - to recovery, to health, to a  brighter tomorrow...