raeofsunshine80's Journal

one of the oh so very fun things of being borderline is the feeling that things arnt quite real most of the time. feeling like youre being left out even though it may be partially self inflicted because you dont feel you belong. the very REAL fear of abandonment even though it may just be paranoia is is real to me and i cant shake most of these feelings. it takes alot of my strength to bring forward good memories and things im thankful for or proud of once i let myself head into the world of the borderlines. its like those things never happened. though to talk about it later i could remember. my recall in a situation there is any bit of reactionary stress on my part i shut down and may even just make crap up so people just stop looking at me. . I hate it so much.

in the thick and thin of it i am alone in a sea of people and I need so much more support than most people have the energy to give. and cant give me the space to be who i am because they are so hard on themselves and inflict their fears and irrational demands of themselves on everyone around. and i dont have the strength to endure it...

I am proud of the fact most times i have learned to give myself a break. i know my limits, I’m not lazy, though i often wonder if i am and am very susceptible to the suggestion that i am and it throws off any progress i have made. I dont have the irrational fear that my child will be taken from me because i often dont have the energy presence of mind or strength to clean. i know i am often depressed how messy my enviroment is a direct correlation to how i feel. and its ok to ask for help i am not super woman. havering any sort of mood or personality disorder isnt the end of the world unless i dont ask for help to over come them.  i wont ignore my problems by piling on new ones and ignoring the old ones. i fight the old ones until im blue in the face.

I am so very proud i asked for help when i thought my mind was going for a vacation without me, because i forced it to try and face more than i was ready for, and at the wrong time.

I know im not alone though i often feel like i am. and sometimes i am alone because i chose to be and its not sad to be alone, thats just how some people are. AND its ok to be alone!

I am proud i reached out to friends and family during this time, even just to shoot the breeze. The ones who respond shows me who I can really count on to be there for me. And i vow to find friends who allow me to be a real friend and not just one when they feel like it. now if you ask me THAT is sad. but it has left a bitter taste in my mouth and new friends i am finding now im much more hesitant to open up. I wont stop reaching out unless i regress from the safe place i now stand. I am holding out my hand, im vulnerable it’s very scary but you know what, thats life. you cant keep yourself in a glass bubble and expect things to just work out. As i stand here reaching out to you i ask will you walk with me?