more good days than bad.
like the title says ive been haveing more good days than bad, mostly due to the fact I dont let it get to me when i …
Join Now
havent posted in a while cus mostly i haven't had to deal with the bipolar mood swings for a long while. but i traded those in for post partum depression that magnified my borderline personality disorder. and denial to go along with it.
a few weeks before i got pregnant i had just gotten out of an intense group therapy. I had felt great and on my way. however my therapist there had convinced me i should prolly never have kids. and it took me until about two weeks before i got pregnant to start to agree with her in part. (was still thinking maybe one day, if my body lets me as i have PCOS as well) but i was starting to look into going back to school. then not even two weeks after i gave up i did get pregnant. i was so shocked i took the test three times. then still went to the doc to get the blood test.. sure enough i was.
even from the early days i wasnt connected with her, between the PCOS and my very recent decision to hold off on kids. I thought i felt fine. but i slowly became numb and negativity seeped from me like puss from an open wound. i did everything right for her but i was just along for the ride. i didnt feel anything for this little alien i had wished for since i was a kid. slowly the progress i had made in therapy withered away and i didnt notice. my friends withdrew though i reached out to them. im pretty sure my best friend thinks its convinient i got PPD cus she had it too and we have alot of similar issues. though i was useually diagnosed first. i just didnt always tell her cus the things didnt really bother me that much (or as much as my mood disorders bothered me). and once she would tell me whats going on with her it would jog my memory and to be supportive for her i would tell her about my issues to let her know she wasnt alone in it. and she could always talk to me about it and vent if she needed to. i expected the same thing of her but sadly i was delusional to think that.
our relationship had become toxic. sometimes i would say random things and she would jump on me like a professional wrestler just because her opinion was different than mine that what i thought was invalid. id later find out what i thought was true for quite a number of things she would 'correct' me on. i never told her because i hated it when she did it to me. plus conversations that involved her opinion was just the way it was like it or not. there wasnt a point to even tread that water. i may as well have been poking a rabid dog with a sharp stick. and the way we interacted brought out my Borderline with a vengence. and i honestly despised the fact i couldn't control it. my mind would go blank when she would 'challenge' me and i couldnt defend my position so in the context of things she was right and i wasnt. when all i had ever hoped for was a true conversation with any number of my friends. and a chance to calm down so i had a chance to fight my way out of that wet paper bag i always found myself in. it was usually hard to do considering i usually had just swallowed my foot prior to finding myself in the bag...
i have come to realize that the reason (possibly) that my friends have such violent reactions to some things i say is that they themselves have an open sore and are too busy licking it to see that the reason they reacted so much to something i did was cus there was something in their past that i reminded them of inadvertently and they got defensive or they have hidden guilt . (though they arnt aware of it) however rightly so. from their frame of reference it's the same but that is mostly stigma and ignorance. it just sucks because one of my triggers is people getting defensive or thinking badly about me. i end up acting just the way they thought i was so i at least am getting in trouble for something real. and because i honestly go blank when that happens and often something even more random will pop out of my mouth. and i will say what i think people expect me to say...
it was one such situation like this that brought my PPD fully into light because at least one person was willing to talk to me about how i was coming across. though im sure she just assumed it was just me being me and that there wasnt a new issue compounding it all. a day or so before i had tried to open up to a friend and she reacted by practically falling asleep and didnt really hear what i was saying. she just patronized me and made me even more self conscious and mad. i at least for her when she went thru this i would help by baby sitting. listening to her and encouraging her to talk to her doc or a therapist about how she was feeling. she didnt even come to visit us in the hospital ( i had been there for 12 days before giveing birth and 4 days after because of high blood pressure) she didnt come to see us until just before my baby was discharged from the nicu...
her reason cus babies make her miss when her baby was little. and all i needed was a friend to be there for me and be supportive. i kept asking her to be there... and all i got was excuses. she didnt have to see the baby when i was in the hospital as for most of it i hadnt had her yet. and quite honestly we could have met on the other side of the hospital than the post partum wing so she wasnt subjected to all the newborns. all i wanted from her was support and honesty. i dont know why, i rarely get that from her. it seems we have a relationship when its at her convenience.
i was on the verge of a melt down because of not only this but 2 months before i was due my hubby got a promotion in another province and moved while i was 7 mo preggers.
family that normally i wouldn't expect to be there for me was there nearly every day... but it didnt seem to matter because the one person i asked to be there didnt come...
i was virtually alone takeing care of a 5week premature baby after my mom left and the dad went back to work. she only came i think maybe twice while we were home waiting for it to be ok to travel the distance to the new city with her. and i was there as often as she would let me when she had hers. not for the babies sake but for hers. the baby was just a bonus =) i dunno to me it seems like she feels like im an obligation dunno if thats true but thats how it feels.
but ya.. other than that i still have trouble even remembering i have a kid i have to remind myself at times still. but i don't look at her blankly as often as i did early on. i mean i couldn't even bring myself to rock her it felt weird that i didn't feel the urge to and it hurt to force myself to do it. id also often have to remind myself that when she was upset that she needed to hear my voice and often i would just be holding her silently going thru the motions. it scared me that i had to remind myself to do things that came naturally to me with other peoples children. i was in denial about it all. i was determined not to get PPD so i ignored the signs. though i knew most of them... and because my friend who is convinced im some sort of 'single white female' im sure, had PPD and i didnt want to add another thing onto the pile.m i resented everyone who was more connected to the baby than i was and that resentment surfaced as anger and rudeness.
iunno im sure theres more to write but this has taken alot out of me.
a few weeks before i got pregnant i had just gotten out of an intense group therapy. I had felt great and on my way. however my therapist there had convinced me i should prolly never have kids. and it took me until about two weeks before i got pregnant to start to agree with her in part. (was still thinking maybe one day, if my body lets me as i have PCOS as well) but i was starting to look into going back to school. then not even two weeks after i gave up i did get pregnant. i was so shocked i took the test three times. then still went to the doc to get the blood test.. sure enough i was.
even from the early days i wasnt connected with her, between the PCOS and my very recent decision to hold off on kids. I thought i felt fine. but i slowly became numb and negativity seeped from me like puss from an open wound. i did everything right for her but i was just along for the ride. i didnt feel anything for this little alien i had wished for since i was a kid. slowly the progress i had made in therapy withered away and i didnt notice. my friends withdrew though i reached out to them. im pretty sure my best friend thinks its convinient i got PPD cus she had it too and we have alot of similar issues. though i was useually diagnosed first. i just didnt always tell her cus the things didnt really bother me that much (or as much as my mood disorders bothered me). and once she would tell me whats going on with her it would jog my memory and to be supportive for her i would tell her about my issues to let her know she wasnt alone in it. and she could always talk to me about it and vent if she needed to. i expected the same thing of her but sadly i was delusional to think that.
our relationship had become toxic. sometimes i would say random things and she would jump on me like a professional wrestler just because her opinion was different than mine that what i thought was invalid. id later find out what i thought was true for quite a number of things she would 'correct' me on. i never told her because i hated it when she did it to me. plus conversations that involved her opinion was just the way it was like it or not. there wasnt a point to even tread that water. i may as well have been poking a rabid dog with a sharp stick. and the way we interacted brought out my Borderline with a vengence. and i honestly despised the fact i couldn't control it. my mind would go blank when she would 'challenge' me and i couldnt defend my position so in the context of things she was right and i wasnt. when all i had ever hoped for was a true conversation with any number of my friends. and a chance to calm down so i had a chance to fight my way out of that wet paper bag i always found myself in. it was usually hard to do considering i usually had just swallowed my foot prior to finding myself in the bag...
i have come to realize that the reason (possibly) that my friends have such violent reactions to some things i say is that they themselves have an open sore and are too busy licking it to see that the reason they reacted so much to something i did was cus there was something in their past that i reminded them of inadvertently and they got defensive or they have hidden guilt . (though they arnt aware of it) however rightly so. from their frame of reference it's the same but that is mostly stigma and ignorance. it just sucks because one of my triggers is people getting defensive or thinking badly about me. i end up acting just the way they thought i was so i at least am getting in trouble for something real. and because i honestly go blank when that happens and often something even more random will pop out of my mouth. and i will say what i think people expect me to say...
it was one such situation like this that brought my PPD fully into light because at least one person was willing to talk to me about how i was coming across. though im sure she just assumed it was just me being me and that there wasnt a new issue compounding it all. a day or so before i had tried to open up to a friend and she reacted by practically falling asleep and didnt really hear what i was saying. she just patronized me and made me even more self conscious and mad. i at least for her when she went thru this i would help by baby sitting. listening to her and encouraging her to talk to her doc or a therapist about how she was feeling. she didnt even come to visit us in the hospital ( i had been there for 12 days before giveing birth and 4 days after because of high blood pressure) she didnt come to see us until just before my baby was discharged from the nicu...
her reason cus babies make her miss when her baby was little. and all i needed was a friend to be there for me and be supportive. i kept asking her to be there... and all i got was excuses. she didnt have to see the baby when i was in the hospital as for most of it i hadnt had her yet. and quite honestly we could have met on the other side of the hospital than the post partum wing so she wasnt subjected to all the newborns. all i wanted from her was support and honesty. i dont know why, i rarely get that from her. it seems we have a relationship when its at her convenience.
i was on the verge of a melt down because of not only this but 2 months before i was due my hubby got a promotion in another province and moved while i was 7 mo preggers.
family that normally i wouldn't expect to be there for me was there nearly every day... but it didnt seem to matter because the one person i asked to be there didnt come...
i was virtually alone takeing care of a 5week premature baby after my mom left and the dad went back to work. she only came i think maybe twice while we were home waiting for it to be ok to travel the distance to the new city with her. and i was there as often as she would let me when she had hers. not for the babies sake but for hers. the baby was just a bonus =) i dunno to me it seems like she feels like im an obligation dunno if thats true but thats how it feels.
but ya.. other than that i still have trouble even remembering i have a kid i have to remind myself at times still. but i don't look at her blankly as often as i did early on. i mean i couldn't even bring myself to rock her it felt weird that i didn't feel the urge to and it hurt to force myself to do it. id also often have to remind myself that when she was upset that she needed to hear my voice and often i would just be holding her silently going thru the motions. it scared me that i had to remind myself to do things that came naturally to me with other peoples children. i was in denial about it all. i was determined not to get PPD so i ignored the signs. though i knew most of them... and because my friend who is convinced im some sort of 'single white female' im sure, had PPD and i didnt want to add another thing onto the pile.m i resented everyone who was more connected to the baby than i was and that resentment surfaced as anger and rudeness.
iunno im sure theres more to write but this has taken alot out of me.
UPDATED GOALS
be honest with myself
Progress 5%
Encouragements: 0
Add your supportComments
You might also like ...
PPD
i know anyone with infertility or a loss of anything that meant alot to you in your life (within two years of …
may you rest cousin duncan.
recently my young cousin 7 years old died in his sleep unexpectedly. everyone was being so dramatic and acting like it …
i think even writing about how your feeling and admitting how your feeling will make you feel better. Alot of women with PPD don't feel a connection with their babies, and from what ive read women that have premature births are more susceptable to it because they in a way weren't ready for the birth mentally (i.e it was a shock/surprise) and they feel subliminally bad about the baby being at risk by an early entry to the world. Your friends sound as though their not taking the time to understand and maybe it would be better if for the time being you cut out the ones that make you feel negative. i did that early in my pregnancy and it helped a lot. By taking care of your baby your doing so well :). Just remember that you grew someone inside you and your helping them progress amazingly and it takes a special person to do that. It helped me reading your post, its nice to have someone who understands, even if they are a stranger on the other side of the world. I'm going to keep reading your entries if you don't mind :).
lj20
Did you get this poem, I',m trying to learn how to send to more than one person:
As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to
ever let you down probably will.
You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder
every time.
You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
You'll fight with your best friend.
You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing too fast, AND you'll eventually lose
someone you love.
So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been
hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness
you'll never get back.
Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin
Sandi in UT.
Hugs for you....hope all goes well!
sandiinut