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nanaof7 
8:40pm, October 13, 2009
I feel the need to get my thoughts in my journal today so that one day I can look back and know that I have really lived through this nightmare.
On the 6th of March, my Mom was diagnosed with pneumonia in the ER. She was given meds and sent home. Two weeks previously she fell out of her dining room chair.... just slid right out. I was there and she didn't suffer any ill effects.
Since as far back as December she hasn't really felt well suffering from constant headaches, upset stomach, lightheadedness and overwhelming fatigue.
She just wasn't bouncing back after the pneumonia. She is 82 yrs. old. I was going over everyday to be with her and take care of things. On the 15th of April she called me to tell me she couldn't feel her legs very well and was having trouble walking. I spent the next 3 days at her house, walking her to the bathroom, giving her a shower, fixing her meals etc.
On the 18th of April I brought her home with me as I still have people who depend on me and my own home to take care of. Her Dr. told my sister and I to take her to Urgent Care as he had done all he could do for her at his office..so off we go. Two hrs. later we are told to take her to the ER as she needs an MRI since she hardly has use of her legs. To make a long story short, after 14 1/2 hrs. at the ER and CT scans, X-rays, blood work and everything else you could imagine we are told my Mom has pancreatic cancer stage 4. She has lesions on her spine in the thorax region and at L4 and L5 in the lumbar area in her lower spine. The upper area is pressing into her spinal column which is why she has lost the use of her legs. SHe underwent emergency surgery to remove the mass in her upper spine and now has a rod, plate and screws holding that part of her spine together. She has lost 25 lbs. in 4 months. She still has the ability to smile and laugh and is a stubborn woman. She will come home with me when she is released from the hospital. Although my relationship with my Mom has been more off than on for much of my adult life, I love this woman with all my heart. I have forgiven her in my heart for everything. I will be there for her and make her final days ones of happiness and the simple things. There have been times in my life that we hated each other and didn't talk for yrs. But she is my Mom, I am her flesh and blood. We like the same things, television shows, crossword puzzles, Scrabble and Ellen!!
I have prayed that God would make her last days an enjoyable experience and keep her in his loving care. I know cancer is cruel.... I think it sucks... I hate it because it is going to take someone I love away from me and I know I will never be able to prepare myself for it. I just pray that anyone who reads this will promise me that if they have any strife with their parents, friends, relatives or whomever that you will take your knees to the floor and ask God to forgive you and let you find forgiveness in your heart. Besides...if God can forgive us who are we to be any different. You never know what life will throw at you. I do........ I am living proof at how fast it can all be taken away.
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Comments
I'm glad you've made peace with your mother and can be there for her as she nears the end. Cancer is so hard to live and die with but in a way it's slowness is a blessing as it will give you time to really make memories and talk with your mom before she goes.
Those who never care for a dying loved one have no idea the mixed blessings doing so can bring when your open to them. Bless you both.
GeorgiaW
hugs nana.......
Hokte
While rereading this entry I thought to myself one of the hardest things there is in life is learning to forgive ourselves.
So many of us came from homes where there was anger and disention between parents and children and some of us are able to over come it and forgive our parents while others never seem to reach that point. The thing is we may forgive them for the harsh words or treatment but we often cannot find it in our hearts to let go of the things we said and did even when we know we were reacting as angry and frightened children.
I hope this end time wiht your mother brings forgiveness and peace into both your hearts, it will be such a blessing for years to come. Hugs and loves
GeorgiaW
I apologize for not noticing this sooner. I lost my parents when they were 57 and 53 (Father and then mother) and within 8 months of one another. They only got to see one grandchild who was still a baby. I missed them when my second child was born. We new my Dad was sick, but my mother was very sudden and I wish I'd had time to say goodbye.
Cherish the time you have with your Mom. Pancreatic cancer is a terrible disease. A friend of mine was just diagnosed with it as well, also Stage IV. It has touched so many people I know. God Bless.
COgirl