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nanaof7 
8:40pm, October 13, 2009
Life is beginning to get right down to it for me. Next week is going to test not only my faith but also my emotions and my heart. My sister's and I finally got Mom's memorial service planned and it will be the 24th of June. We have made picture boards and a poem that is touching to say the least. I will post it after the service on my journal. I'm still not emotional as far as my Mom passing away. I miss her terribly and can still feel her presence in my home. It is so odd to not have her here. I want to pick up the phone and call her, I want to complain and bitch and listen to her tell me how she feels. I miss her laugh , which was quite infectious. She was a stern and strong woman but she was mushy inside. I loved that about her. I've thought how she will never tell me again how good my lasagna was, or my meatloaf. We both liked butter beans and now I have no one to share them with. I'll miss her pumpkin ice cream pie at the holidays.And her potato soup. I have tried to duplicate it but it's never close to hers.I miss her scent. She loved lavender and lilac. I will have lavender in my flowers for the wedding in her memory. Balloons will be released in my Mom and daughter's honor.
My daughter's wedding is fast approaching also. Her " soon to be" will be home on Tuesday the 23rd and the wedding is on the 27th. Maybe I will be so busy next week I won't have time to mourn. Instead I'll crash and burn at night and finally get some much needed rest.
Alas it will all be over soon enough.... then when the quiet settles in I can once again contemplate this thing people call LIFE.
I miss you Mom, but know you will always be with me in my heart, and my mind because your spirit lives with me now. I am comforted.........
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I think everything is starting to come full circle for me. Since losing Mom on the 31st of May I haven't seem to have had any tears or emotions. I know this is just part of the grieving process.Or so the counselor says. But today it finally hit me. I went to get my hair cut for my daughter's wedding. I wanted something fun,classy and a little bit sexy. ( the ex will be there at the wedding with his s*** of a wife....) My Mom always used to tell me how pretty my hair was. It is still the medium brown but it is also threaded through with lots of silver. I always have people ask me if it's mine or if I pay for it. The last time I took my Mom to get her hair cut she made Debbie promise to not let me change my hair color. My older sister has made an appointment for me tomorrow to highlight my hair. I was so excited today when I came home... my hair cut is really classy and chic.... I went to the phone and dialed Mom's phone number to tell her how great it looked..... 3 rings later I realized I wasn't going to be able to share that with her anymore. It is so very very hard. My Momma was the first one I called in the morning and the last one I called before bedtime. I don't know why it hit me today. Maybe it's preparing for the wedding or the fact that I finally went and did something different today. All I know is how empty my life feels now and how much I miss her being here to share it with.
We have planned her memorial service for the 24th of June. The wedding of my daughter will be 3 days later. My daughter has allowed me, my sisters Eilene,Karen and LaRae along with my brother Lewis to release lavender colored balloons before the start of the ceremony to honor Mom in spirit. I will also release a lavender balloon for my baby girl Jordan and one for my granddaughter Kylie who both passed away from crib death. Their spirits live on but it just makes life so empty.
Comments
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nana i cant say anything to make you feel better...just know grief is a process and the pain will lessen as time goes on.......memries are what you have to hold on to............they will always be a part of you.......love ya.......
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It is never easy to lose the ones we love and how we reflect this will change over time but I still have times when I think my daughter Cheryl would get a kick out of something I've seen, read or done and she's been gone twelve years now. the grief will change, if you have love and life in your life but there will come times in the years ahead when you'll still feel that lose as strongly as you do right now.
You are in the midst of the cycle of life with the death and wedding symbolizing both ends of the spectrum. BTW, I still talk to Cheryl, and sometimes I still yell at her. My family knows I"m nuts so they are used to me talking to dead people but the thing is talking to her like she is still right here with me does make it feel more like she is.
I feel the need to get my thoughts in my journal today so that one day I can look back and know that I have really lived through this nightmare.
On the 6th of March, my Mom was diagnosed with pneumonia in the ER. She was given meds and sent home. Two weeks previously she fell out of her dining room chair.... just slid right out. I was there and she didn't suffer any ill effects.
Since as far back as December she hasn't really felt well suffering from constant headaches, upset stomach, lightheadedness and overwhelming fatigue.
She just wasn't bouncing back after the pneumonia. She is 82 yrs. old. I was going over everyday to be with her and take care of things. On the 15th of April she called me to tell me she couldn't feel her legs very well and was having trouble walking. I spent the next 3 days at her house, walking her to the bathroom, giving her a shower, fixing her meals etc.
On the 18th of April I brought her home with me as I still have people who depend on me and my own home to take care of. Her Dr. told my sister and I to take her to Urgent Care as he had done all he could do for her at his office..so off we go. Two hrs. later we are told to take her to the ER as she needs an MRI since she hardly has use of her legs. To make a long story short, after 14 1/2 hrs. at the ER and CT scans, X-rays, blood work and everything else you could imagine we are told my Mom has pancreatic cancer stage 4. She has lesions on her spine in the thorax region and at L4 and L5 in the lumbar area in her lower spine. The upper area is pressing into her spinal column which is why she has lost the use of her legs. SHe underwent emergency surgery to remove the mass in her upper spine and now has a rod, plate and screws holding that part of her spine together. She has lost 25 lbs. in 4 months. She still has the ability to smile and laugh and is a stubborn woman. She will come home with me when she is released from the hospital. Although my relationship with my Mom has been more off than on for much of my adult life, I love this woman with all my heart. I have forgiven her in my heart for everything. I will be there for her and make her final days ones of happiness and the simple things. There have been times in my life that we hated each other and didn't talk for yrs. But she is my Mom, I am her flesh and blood. We like the same things, television shows, crossword puzzles, Scrabble and Ellen!!
I have prayed that God would make her last days an enjoyable experience and keep her in his loving care. I know cancer is cruel.... I think it sucks... I hate it because it is going to take someone I love away from me and I know I will never be able to prepare myself for it. I just pray that anyone who reads this will promise me that if they have any strife with their parents, friends, relatives or whomever that you will take your knees to the floor and ask God to forgive you and let you find forgiveness in your heart. Besides...if God can forgive us who are we to be any different. You never know what life will throw at you. I do........ I am living proof at how fast it can all be taken away.
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I'm glad you've made peace with your mother and can be there for her as she nears the end. Cancer is so hard to live and die with but in a way it's slowness is a blessing as it will give you time to really make memories and talk with your mom before she goes.
Those who never care for a dying loved one have no idea the mixed blessings doing so can bring when your open to them. Bless you both.
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hugs nana.......
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While rereading this entry I thought to myself one of the hardest things there is in life is learning to forgive ourselves.
So many of us came from homes where there was anger and disention between parents and children and some of us are able to over come it and forgive our parents while others never seem to reach that point. The thing is we may forgive them for the harsh words or treatment but we often cannot find it in our hearts to let go of the things we said and did even when we know we were reacting as angry and frightened children.
I hope this end time wiht your mother brings forgiveness and peace into both your hearts, it will be such a blessing for years to come. Hugs and loves
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I apologize for not noticing this sooner. I lost my parents when they were 57 and 53 (Father and then mother) and within 8 months of one another. They only got to see one grandchild who was still a baby. I missed them when my second child was born. We new my Dad was sick, but my mother was very sudden and I wish I'd had time to say goodbye.
Cherish the time you have with your Mom. Pancreatic cancer is a terrible disease. A friend of mine was just diagnosed with it as well, also Stage IV. It has touched so many people I know. God Bless.
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I've been so busy I hadn't got around to reading your journal post. I sat here reading and cried. I remember going through the stages of my husbands cancer. I think I was in denial or unable to process what was happening. I'm a med tech so I understood in my head but not in my heart. When he hit stage 4 and they stopped chemotherapy and told me to let him go I fought so hard with them. I miss my husband so much. I miss his smell and how when I came home he would yell out Baby Boo. I miss his laugh. I loved his laugh so much. I miss his hands and his hugs. His ashes are here with me and I have his picture above them. I feel him here but I know he's with God. I still sit sometimes and wonder why this had to happen. I know you know what I mean. All I know to do is trust that God will help me live through this. Thank you for allowing me to have access to your journal. Anytime I'm reminded of Murray is a special time. You helped yourself by writing and gave me the gift of memories. Joy
mourningagain
I am sorry to hear that you have lost your mother! I hope you are starting to heal! I have been going through my own things! I am going to start VBI here soon! I miss ya friend! Love ya, Denise!
Blackbeltbipolar