NightAngelX's Journal

I thought I would just consilidate all my messages and responses on here.  I may write some more after but I wanted everything in one place. 

My first post:

I have inherited depression from my mother, sister, and other family members. In general I'm a happy person, but when I'm down I'm really down. I am engaged to be married to the love of my life and that makes me happy.

However, my job is horrid and I went to school for years and did well and it seems like it was all for nothing. It's like what was my main purpose in life was for nothing and that makes me sad and logically, I know this is only temporary and I have picked myself up before I just need to again. The last time I was this down my then boyfriend proposed. He had the ring and was waiting to set up something special but he just couldnt stand to see me so sad so he proposed, I guess it worked for a few months, but now I guess as happy as that makes me the depression has crept back. The same issue exists.

I have my masters degree and I'm working at a job that anyone could have and I'm not appreciated at work and I'm talked down to. I look young for my age (most people think I'm a teen even though I'm 26) and I'm also rather quiet and shy so that may be why. But all my life school has been my main focus. I loved it. I excelled in it. Since graduation I haven't been able to find a job in my field. The job I have now is just to pay the bills and it barely does that.

I haven't been able to get up the gumption to go to work in 3 days now. I have some vacation time earned but it's going to be all gone by the end of this week if I don't get my butt up and go. And it's horrible that I'm using my vacation time to sit at home and cry and sleep.

I don't know what to do. I am the 'rock' in my family because they all have serious depression and serious issues. I feel I am lucky, I have so many positive things going for me. At least I have a job. At least I have a man who loves me and who I love. So many things to be thankful for, so why do I feel this way? I wish I didn't. Telling myself it's biological used to help, but now it just makes me feel more helpless.

sigh.

Thanks for reading.

One response to a kind messenger:

Thanks for the message. I guess it just helps to talk about things. My fiance is really supportive but I feel bad because he thinks he doesn't 'make me' happy and he does. I can't imagine how I'd be without him. So I wanted to talk with someone who understood better.

It's just like I lost my focus in life. I put school above so many other things for so long and now it's gone, I'm done. And has all my years of hard work paid off? no. I'm miserable. I kinda want to return to school but at the same time I don't want to be in the same boat after I'm done. Because quite honestly, even what I went to school for, I don't enjoy doing. I just enjoyed learning about it. I realized this during my internship but I thought it would go away. So even if I DID get a job in my field I don't think I would be happy. So then does that mean I wasted years of my life? School loans out the ying yang for something I don't want to do? What DO I want to do? I want to be a wife and mother and that is in the future, but in the meantime I have to want to be something. I don't want that to be the only thing that makes me happy because I need to work, i feel lazy and wasteful if I didn't work and use my education.

I don't know.

Another:

Thanks for the information. I saw the book on Oprah. I do believe in that book, that you must be positive for positive things to happen. That is how I generally am 90% of the time I'm guessing. I'm a very happy positive person mostly. If you ask my family or other friends to choose something that represents me they'd probably pick a smiley face with an angel halo. 0:)
But when I'm down I'm really down and usually in a day or so I can pick myself back up, but it's just way harder this time. Dunno why.

Another:

Thanks for the kind words. I think you can definitely relate. One reason I worked so hard in school is so I could have a job I loved. Do what you love, love what you do. So that's just like another horrible thing.
My fiance and I might be moving soon. He was unofficially offered a job in another state, but they are just waiting for things to become official. So I've been living on this hope that I could quit soon and have been looking at jobs in the new town instead of just the one I'm in. But things keep getting pushed back and pushed back. Even if he were to get an official offer tomorrow he wouldn't be able to start until September (he's a manager at a retail store). I can't imagine staying another month, but I know the move and the wedding both stress us financially and me quitting now and then time to get a new job at the new place would be so great. I don't know. I also pride myself on being independent and if I quit I'd be totally dependent on my fiance until I got another job.

Another:

Thanks, that is just it. I've been looking for a job since May 06 (when I graduated grad school). First I was working as a nanny and I kind of enjoyed that but felt I was wasting my skills, I was also 'working for' one of my former classmates.

Now I'm working as a children's caseworker. I'm a licensed school counselor (you'd think I'd be able to help myself more). But this job isn't what I thought it was. I thought casework would at least be close, but no, I'm a glorified babysitter and if I try to extend myself and do more than what's expected of me (out of sheer boredom) I get someone else redoing what I did or being added to 'help' me. I now find myself resenting the kids, wishing they would go away. My best days are the days when I don't have kids at all and I've always loved kids, so this is not a good feeling.

Anyway, I'm constantly looking for a new job. I haven't quit looking. I don't know why I don't get the jobs I apply for. Perhaps I come across too shy. I've asked before and they said it was great meeting me and that I was really good but they just went with someone else. I'm always told I'm in the top 2 or 3 considered, but I never get it. I once did get a part time school counseling job offered to me but I would have had to move and it was only part time so I decided not to take it. I wish i had now. Of course again, I don't think I'd enjoy doing school counseling since I really can't stand the kids anymore. It's not just the kids either, it's their parents too.