ladypb's Journal

why do i have to be so sad all the time? all i want to do is cry. yesterday i was all over the place in reference to my moods. one min i was agitated then the next crying i just wish i didnt have  to hide the way i feel from my family. they wouldnt understand. how could i expect them to when i dont? i dont have a pdoc apt till the 21st, new doc since the old one graduated from the school. i hate getting to know new docs, i just hope he is a good one.

   my moods have been all overup then down, then up ...but never to the mania stage. i miss it, i liked myself so much more when i felt like doing things, when i  could do it all. i wish i could die there i said it never hav i been this low for so long, dont want to keep going,

  husband is sleeping on the couch right behind me and has no idea how bad i feel..he wouldnt understand i dont think he is capeable of understanding this illness.

  i have a sleep study tonight to get my cpap machine. maybe i will get a better sleep with it. i have been having nightmares for a week plus wakeing up two to three times a night.  my mind never shuts up it races all the time day and night now, i think all in all im worse than i was a year ago. wtf....