Journal

today my 21 year old finally told me she is having panic attacks, severe depression and is afraid she is going to be called crazy if she gets help. she has allways been a quiet child. spending time in her room, not many friends etc. she has had times of depression as long as i can remember.  i need to try to explain that mental helth is nothing to be ashamed of, it is hereditary in my family. how do you tell your child you are to blame for all her problems?

she cant keep a job becouse she getts panic attacks, so no ins, no money. hopfully i can find a mental health place with a slidding scale to see her. i wish i was more stable with my own issues so i could handle this without breaking down and crying. i feel so helpless and alone. 

why do i have to be so sad all the time? all i want to do is cry. yesterday i was all over the place in reference to my moods. one min i was agitated then the next crying i just wish i didnt have  to hide the way i feel from my family. they wouldnt understand. how could i expect them to when i dont? i dont have a pdoc apt till the 21st, new doc since the old one graduated from the school. i hate getting to know new docs, i just hope he is a good one.

   my moods have been all overup then down, then up ...but never to the mania stage. i miss it, i liked myself so much more when i felt like doing things, when i  could do it all. i wish i could die there i said it never hav i been this low for so long, dont want to keep going,

  husband is sleeping on the couch right behind me and has no idea how bad i feel..he wouldnt understand i dont think he is capeable of understanding this illness.

  i have a sleep study tonight to get my cpap machine. maybe i will get a better sleep with it. i have been having nightmares for a week plus wakeing up two to three times a night.  my mind never shuts up it races all the time day and night now, i think all in all im worse than i was a year ago. wtf....

  i worked two days in a row. then today i babysat my grandaughter for 12 hours, i am so down and so sore. i feel like a failure, im trying to work it kills me the pain is so bad. plus it knocks me on my but. i can hardly keep my eyes open when i get home.

then today my 2 1/2 yr old granbaby was up and down off my lap . then a storm cam in and she is afraid of thunder. she cryed, and wanted in my lap even more. it hurts to pick her up so much. my body can not stand the extra weight.

i got to hurting so bad i lost my temper with her, i feel like such a bad nana, i yelled at her . my BP is acting up im depressed and dont want to live the rest of my life like this. why is my body so messed up.?couldnt i at least have full control over my emotions? life is not fair. it sucks...