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besidestillwater 
12:29am, June 1, 2009
I was listening to an audiobook by CS Lewis, Screwtape Letters, yesterday and I heard something I really need to take to heart.
He spoke about our need to live in the present and do What Jesus Would Do. We should not be focusing on anxiety about what is ahead or tomorrow. Anxiety binds us. We need to focus on the tasks at hand.
I see myself needing to trust God with tomorrow. I am constantly worrying about what is coming instead of living in the moment. I need to learn contentment and to trust Him.
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I want to udnerstand Triggers related to the abuser. I was reading someones post and discovered this topic. I never heard about it before. So there are triggers that I experience in other people that remind me of the abuser.
Wow I think when I have been in these experiences I have been blaming myself for my reaction.
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I want to understand the Lies We Believed as children. These false beliefs were the conclusions of us as children not us as adults. These were the beliefs we came to believe based on our limited knowledge, understand and experience.
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Hard to reach in and find all of those false messages and lies, harder yet to teach that inner child new lessons to replace what was wrongly taught! Your reaction is part of the defense mechanisms that your mind built up during the trauma. It is a normal response of the brain when something "triggers" a danger sign. I hear what you are saying here and I did the same thing. I blamed myself for being over emotional, over reactive, and just plain crazy. I know better now! There are also triggers that can be related to what was going on around you during the abuse. One of my triggers is flies buzzing on a window. Another is the smell of dusty attic. Another is tall grass and trees. Another is a certain type of cologne. Big ones for me, though, the ones that affect me the most, is when I am in a situation with another person and what is going on is similar enough to cause the same feelings of being laughed at, being blamed for something I know is not my fault, being yelled at or confronted when I feel I have done nothing, or being made to feel like I am not doing a job well enough when I know that I am, or even signs of favoritism can be enough to trigger me. Difficult to deal with this kind of thing in a work environment. Finding out what your triggers are is a good way to deal with the emotions and responses to them.
BTW, the reason I came over here is because I wanted to learn a little more about you. I am really excited when I find someone that makes me think or provides more insight for me in my own healing process and I just want to thank you so much for that!!
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Thank you! First, I love watching you piggy. She makes me laugh. Thanks.
You mentioned something that caused me to clench up real tight and freeze. I have not talked about it before so if you do not mind I want to share it while it is all going on.
I went through a lot of peer rejection. The first real noticeble experience was the school year after my abuse (it happened the summer before). It was the last day in school in fifth grade and everyone was signing shirts and for the first time I felt real alone and a lot of rejection. I had no real friends and getting someone to sign my shirt seemed more like a token effort on their part. I do not understand what happened that year that cause me to come to that point nothing stands out. Maybe my age of development just caused me a new awareness. I do not know.
Over the next few years rejection just mounted and I was picked on a lot.
You mentioned being laughed at and that just caused me to freeze up. I guess this is what they mean by tiggers. I need to learn how to free up from this reaction. I know the hurt is still there.
Thanks, really.
Keith
In a lot of pain for the last week. I can't seem to get rid of it. I do forget about it at times but otherwise I just hurt.
I have a number of worries right now and I hope that when they are passed the pain will lift.
Keep me in your prayers,
Thanks
Keith
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A very wise decision based on very wise words. I have read C.S. Lewis' works and always got a lot out of reading it.
mtnmama62
Thank you. You are full of encouragement, that is a very good trait.
:~)
besidestillwater
That is a great way to look at anxiety, very helpful. Hope you have a great New Year!!
serenity101