Journal

It's been a long time since I wrote or have even been on here.  I really have been taking advantage of being on a "break" these past 6 months.  But now my 6 months are up.  I have started the process of weening my body off the anti-depressants.  In two weeks I am hoping to be drug free!  I made an appointment to see a new RE.  Our consultation is on April 28th and this will really start the process again for me.  I am hoping I will have a new strength and be more positive and make a baby!  I worry a lot about all the feelings coming back to me.  All the sadness associated with trying and such, but I want this work.  I want a baby, PERIOD.  I will need all of your support more now then ever before because I won't be able to make it through this without you all.  I am anxious to see what this new docs sees when he looks at all my tests results and bloodwork and all that stuff.  I am really hoping he will see hope.  Some way that I can get pregnant again and carry full term and have the baby I have always dreamed of.  Its weird to think that 6 months ago I was in such a bad dark place.  That I cried for days without being able to stop thinking about how sad my life is without a child.  I look back and cannot believe that I was like that.  I wonder what will it take to put me back there again?  What if i get pregnant again and have a miscarriage where will I land then?  I take a deep breathe as I type all of this.  I know I can do this.  I know I have more strength then I ever imagined having.  And I know my husband and I will make great parents to a child.  I am not ready to talk about the what ifs, although they are thoughts I have on a daily basis.  But I do the best I can to push them to the back of my mind.  Please send me whatever strength you can all spare.  This is the continuation of my battle, but in a way its the start as well.  I have been trying to eat better.  I have been going to the gym at least three times a week.  I feel like I am just in a better place right now.  Will that all change after April 28th who knows.  But for now I am going to think positively and know I am doing all that I can to fulfill my dreams. 

Thank you all for reading this and for always being there for me.  I will be posting more often and reading up on everyone. 

xoxo Jen

OMG i am so tired of hearing "when its your time it will happen"  maybe its not that simple?  what about all the people that get pregnant when they are teens, was it just there time?  i guess unless you know what this feels like to be waiting and wanting and poking and proding you just really don't get it.....i just want to get so mad at my friends sometimes when they say shit like this.  sorry i am just so full of emotions right now.  my friends are just pissing me off and then someone goes and says that to me.  it will be 4 years this summer since we "started trying" FOUR YEARS!  and now i have yet another friend talking about how she is going to start trying this summer.  i am sure she will be pregnant before i know it.  just seems so unfair.  i want so bad to go back to the RE and just be like lets get things moving here, but i think i am just so scared of what i might find out or how i will feel if it doesn't work out.  i just am really scared and so instead i just sit here and get made and want to cry.  i will go cook dinner that will take my mind off things for a bit......

sigh

my friend jen had her baby on friday, scheduled c-section.  he was born weighing 6 lbs 13 oz and 21 inches!  his name is Joseph Thomas and i held his for as long as i could when we went to visit her at the hospital yesterday.  i have been reminded of how much i want one of my own and am willing to do whatever it takes to have a baby.  i am so excited for her and her beautiful son!  i love them both so much and only hope the best for them.....but when will it be my turn??  just saying is all.....i deserve a turn i think.  nite ladies.

xoxo