Journal

After leaving my Husband, I pretty much lived between the Hotel I worked at, friends houses, and my car. I did this for about a month.

Eventually, I met my boyfriend. He was my lifesaver. We have lived together for over a year now. He has a four year old daughter, and has accomplished alot of things in his life.

I have had to adjust to ALOT of different things the past year. I lost my car(it was in my Ex's name), I'm unemployed. It kind of feels like my freedom was taken away from me in exchange for a decent home-life. I'm not use to being confined to one place, and not making my own money.

I do go in and out of depression---deep depression. I know that my Boyfriend is doing the best he can for me and his Daughter. It's just me; I need to learn to deal with the stress in a healthier way!

My mother called me at 6 am this morning to tell me my Grandfather passed away last night.

(R.I.P. PawPaw  -  I love You  - july 31, 2007)

I handle death very well. I'm just upset with myself for being selfish these past few years and loosing contact; not telling him certain things, or doing certain things, not helping..........

Oh well, nothing I can do now. He's in a better place anyway.......

Things off the top of my head that cause me to self-harm: (in order)
1. Drinking----I love to drink and sometimes have a little to much. The night always end's in self-harm. I've lost all my friends.
2.Rejection----Don't reject me! I hate being rejected. Hate it! Hate it! Like, suicide, Hate it. and i'm not suicidal.
3.Anger----Why get pist and hurt the one's I love, when I can hurt myself, and get satisfaction from it.
4.Stress----I have way too much of it, and It has to be released some way.
5.Control----I could never control what happened to me when I was younger, I cant exactly control the stress in my life now, If you upset me, I cant control my feelings. But I can control the blade!
..........................................

 I usually don't feel the pain. I know it's there when I begin to bleed, but I guess because of the state of mind I'm in at that moment, I just don't think about the pain. I feel the pain as soon as I start to bleed; It calms me down, like a drug. It's strange......I don't really scar, but I have realized when my cut's begin to heal, I get really anxious; like, I'm not ready for them to leave me. I guess I have alot of emotional scars, and I like to pull them to the surface. Things are less scary when you can see them......