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moodyashell 
i just feel like crap and i have to be funny all the time because thats what people expect of me. i'm tired. i go from manic to angry to sad back to angry before i get to work in the morning. i've done therapy...and meds...and it feels like i just build up a resistance to them. nothing works. nothing will ever work. and the bleakness of this statement is what makes me suicidal. passively suicidal. if a bus ran me over that would be awesome. a brain aneuryism would be better of course but i understand i cant be too picky. i feel like by saying this i am a crybaby, trying to get attention, trying to get a reaction, being dramatic, not taking responsibility, failing at grownup stuff and just really being a loser in general. i lose my temper at work and push people further away. not many can see i want someone to wrestle me to the ground and inject morphine into my system. fewer still can see that i'm crying and bleeding at the same time and it sounds just like yelling.
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you are not a cry baby, you are brave for be here writting in your jornal. I relate to the description too well. vent at least, no worries. hugs from Izis
whisper1215