lovewins's Journal

i hate being sick. i hate living in a loud area where there is noise. so i went out to be alone in the park and low and behold i was in pain. the ears sux. i felt so alone. walked around felt like shit. i exploded when i came hoem venting to moms about feeling like crap and the past that come to invade me. i can not focus and get away from my issues. i can not read away or ipod away my issues like i am told to do. i had enough. i pray to god. but i see no physical evidence of him in this cruel cold world. but lemme bite the words now. ds is a form of god helpin ppl. i think  alot because i feel ear head pain all day and i guess it is exaggerated by stress feelin lonely. and also i feel helpless. i try to let go but all i feel is pain all day. i cry inside and oustide. i vent away on ds but the pain hurts me deeply. i know many go thru alot on ds too. i know africa needs money for food. still i feel bad about who i am like i am a criminal who is serving time in life. but i know i am good. i just want proof all the time which signals i have low self esteem. went back on my psych meds. i needed to calm down so i took them. alone empty soulless feelin like i am out of reality. no love no respect within i need to love me more but i am burned tryin to love me and at the end of the day i feel bad inside. i wished i was loved in the physical form by someone. thk god for moms but that is not enough. i feel lost confused. i feel unloved and alone. pain is all i feel. i walk around sad. i wish i could disappear into another world. i feel underappreciated. i know ds loves me. but in the phsyical i do not see love. i just hate life. OK BASH ME IF U WANNA OR GIVE ME LOVE I DO NOT CARE ANYMORE. NO ONE'S OPINION MATTERS CUZ I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK ANYWAYS. I WAS BORN ALONE AND I WILL DIE ALONE ANYWAYS. I FEEL LIKE WHATEVER I SAY IS REAL AND I HAVE THE RIGHT TO FEEL. I CAN NOT SUGARCOAT PAIN. I FEEL ANGER SADNESS LONELY AND I AM FRUSTATED WITH MYSELF AND OTHERS. I GUESS IT DOES REFLECT ON ME. BUT I CAN NOT SEEM TO MAKE PEACE. I GUESS I ANSWERED MYSELF. NO MONEYOR WOMEN CAN SATISFY MY URGES. I JUST AM PISSED THAT I WENT THRU CRAP. I GUESS WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE ANGRY. I GUESS I WAS TOO HARD ON ME. I JUST FEEL SO ALONE AND I WAS SAD WITHIN. SO NOW U KNOW THE REAL SIDNEY. I AM VERY DEPRESSED. I AM GOIN SO MUCH NOW I AM BACK ON MY PYSCH MEDS. I JUST CAN NOT TAKE IT. I FEEL DEAD. OK SEE YOU AND U ARE WELCOME TO BASH OR LOVE. BESIDES ALL IS DONE AND I ACCEPT LIFE AS A BULLSHIT STRUGGLE SO I SAY FUCK THIS GODDDAMN WORLD !!!